The whole shebang..... What can a bunch of anatacid tablets can do for you on a hot sunday afternoon ?.................

And so it is, My sister came home today after a five day misadventure with some persons or others who I don't know. It's funny how she pratters on reporting on every little turn of events. gitter gitter pratter pratter, that is what I hear. Prat prat prat and gitter giggle bla bla titter... over and over and over her voice is turning in my mind as a constant reminder that we are nothing alike in taste or designe. I feel like telling her "Sheila, you are what I use to define stupid, because as far as I can tell there is no other collection of atoms on this earth that is quite as stupid and ridiculous as you are!"... But that wouldn't be very nice would it ?.. I woke up this morning thinking of how nice some kinds of math are, and why I like them for this or that reason. Interesting bit of ,dreaming I did by the way I was in the joose selling place telling people about the numbers that live inside the jooose machines. Little blue number 4's that eat meat and shit out copper colored liquid...... So what do I do ?.. I stare at pages all the time. On the pages are collections of symbols which we have decided are special and given sounds ... The collections are put together in magical ways to make meaningful words and other some such statements as can be made by special symbols in magical combinations. I like to stare at the ones which other people have given praise, so I can stare at them and they can take on meaning in my mind, producing images and all sorts of things feelings, ect then I can praise them as well and feel good knowing that I have good taste just like everyone else with good taste....... So what is wrong with me ??... I have narrowed it down quite well indeed it is that i have an increadibly black and white all or nothing attitude about everything. See I like to make all these little mechanical models of people and things in the universe and I rely on that model to decided just what actions amount to what outcomes and other things of that nature. The models inevitably fail and I am left confused and disoriented. It is because I like to be sure of things and without some kind of model I never feel quiet sure of anything, I abandon my models all of the time and so I am forced constantly to be making new models and never even being able to do anything with them because the constantly fail and I start over again. I can't do anything that i don't have some kind of model for, because I have to be sure of the outcome and so if I have no model I am not sure and I just sit there in idle.... Over and over the cycle goes. I jump back in fourth in a distructive pattern between extremes of behavior just trying to eek out some regularity and soundness in anything. I just can't deal with randomenss and irregularity, I hate broken symmetry !!..

Bla bla bla life goes on ................. There is no explination or excuse for my behavior ! regards Mike