I am back here again, sitting at a screen and typing. It is hours later, it feels like years, I feel like I have aged by years. I can't get past that, I am older and I can feel it...
Not that I am older say than I was this morning, it is different, I am just older, older than something. I percieve that I have age, an age, and that I am older... before that I never thought of it, I was ageless and never older, never getting older, finality is strange. I have a feeling, a strangess lurking in the foreground of everything. I can't see it or taste it or smell it, I don't know if it is there because it is everywhere at once, I just know that things are different than the are supposed to be, or, than they were before. It is maddening, it is uniformly pronounced upon every schimera and corporial body in my mind, my body, the strangess.. How can it be a strangeness when I have no means by which to distinguish what is normal from anything ?.. everything is strange ~!~... I know I have felt differently, food tasted differently and the world itself felt/looked/smelled differently, comfortable. And now it is alien, strange and unruly, slimy... this skin feels wrong, these clothes, this voice, even the air seems to me an alien fluid which fills and caresses my vacuous places, which with some reched warmth caresses me as though it were a well known friend.....But I am violated by it's embrace, I know that it is strange and yet I can not escape it... This vile wretched shell, it is like a dead animal, freigtning and repulsive as though there were some life gone out of it, some life that normally makes it vibrant and attractive and is now gone... it is unnatural... I sat this morning and had a cup of coffe, that is when I first noticed it, when I tasted the coffee and it was all wrong, something wrong with it... I thought it had gone bad and I made another pot... I held the cup to fill it again and the cup felt aweful, cold, the feeling got into my hand and I dropped it, the cup shattered on the floor and I did not feel anything... I made no mistake, something was wrong with the cup and I suffered no loss.. I tried another cup of coffe and I couldn't stand it... it was disgusting and horrid.. I spat it out immediatly and then my father asked me what was wrong.. His voice was strange and his face was aweful to me, who is he ?...It came like a dream and I felt like I was spinning then, the strangeness was everywhere and I could feel the strangness of my skin on my body ... my own flesh was decieving me, hiding what was supposed to be there.. I had quickly forgotten where I was and I let out a slight scare, suddenly as it had began I stopped spinning... I was standing in my kitchen (MY KITCHEN).. the one I have stood in a thousand million times,, but the strangess was not gone, I just became slightly happy, surrounded by all that was obsurd and strange, without reason, without form, it had nothing ... I could identify everything and I do not know how or why because it was all alien... The world feels dirty in a sense, like a bum is dirty, like a freightning vagarant because he isn't right and clean and sturdy... Where am I ????

A letter to a cat in april while the flowers were blooming ............. Regards Mike