June 24, 2006

Chunky Beef Alert: Queen Beef

I'm a nice guy.

It's true. I don't even have to try. I genuinely care about other people... their welfare... their happiness... there what-have-you. That's just the type of guy I am.

That's one of the prevailing reasons why I got into psychology. To help people in the best way that I can.

But don't cross me. It's just one of those lines.

Some of you may remember when I was foolishly nearly driven into driving into an oncoming car in high school. (Oh, who am I kdding. You sons-of-bitches don't even read this board anymore because you're too busy playing WoW or some other WoW-type equivalent. Bastards...)

Over the years, I have singled out people who have done so... or who I just don't like for whatever reasons I have: David Sanders. Tom Cruise. Alphabet Soup.

Well, I have a new one. And lo-and-behold, she makes the newest installment of:

Chunky Beef Alert!

The Queen walks with her drone... searching for the beef.

Meet the leader of all that is Chunky Beef. Queen Chunky Beef. Sure, she might not look like the biggest CB out there... but you don't have to be to be the leader. Rest assured, she could eat you. Whole.

Let me explain something to you. You do NOT call the Seattle Animal Shelter on me to complain about how my outdoor cat is going to die because it has no shelter when it does have a fuckin' shelter all because you don't like that he's an outdoor cat. Boo hoo Chunkizilla. If you were so worried about my cat's health, you wouldn't fuckin' smoke around my cat. Why don't you take a wet nap to your inner lungs before you come near my cat again. Hey, I know, if you are worried about shelter, why not liposuct some of your body fat and build him a little home from it.

With the amount you have, you could build him the Taj Mahal.

But I know this one... she didn't call the Seattle Animal Society because she was worried about the shelter... she called because I didn't want to lister to her go on and on about the various dangerous associated with living outdoors. Funny, how in the thousands of years before cats lived in houses, they seemed to do alright for themselves in the wild.

And you know, I'm not annoyed that she was worried about my cat. I'm annoyed that she tried to enforce her Whalrus will upon me behind my back, while puffing her smoke in my vacinity.

Some of you might remember my old rants about kangaroos. Well, be prepared... because Tubtastic here is my new focus.

June 21, 2006

An American Food

NOTE: I had to make this post quickly, because I was getting nightmares at seeing Chunky McSpears everytime I opened this site.

Remember when, during a picnic or barbeque, or ho-down for our country readers, there was that moment when the first hamburger was freshly grilled off the... well... grill.

I remember those moments. They are what makes summer barbeques great. Getting that burger. I preferred mine with a little bit of melted cheese. Oh, and some ketchup. Though lately I've moved on to mustard.

That's right, fuck you Heinz. German bastard. (German engineered bastard.)

There's something so delicious about those homemade burgers. And it's not like they cost much to make. Just a few patties, some buns, and your condiment of choice.

Sometimes though, we don't have time to make our own burgers, so we go to some place to have a burger. Like MacDonalds (eww.) or Wendys (less eww.) or Red Robin (variety of decent mixed with eww.). Of course, with these places, those burgers can increase in cost (Red Robin being the most expensive.)

I think a Red Robin burger costs like around 10 bucks, give or take. But hey, it can be worth it. (Jalepeno Burger, bitches!)

Well, following that logic, then THIS:

Fru Fru.

Has to be the most tasty burger on the muthafuckin' (source: Sam Jackson) planet.

This tasty-gem costs 100 dollars. NO... wait... actually, with tax and garnishes, it costs: $124.50.

(And, of course, you can only purchase this burger if you belong to an exclusive club where the membership is $40,000 with a $3,600 dollar yearly fee.)

Excuse me, while I...

There really is a sucker born every minute.

I'm sorry, but a $43,724.50 burger? Are you fuckin' out of your mind? Seriously? Gentle Jesus this is the stupidest thing I have heard of yet. (Aside from Carrot Top.) I mean... for fuck's sake... the only thing this solves is that people will be less likely to become Chunky Beef (see previous post below).

Of course, not to be outdone, Hickville, USA has come up with the anti-stupid expensive burger, by shoving as much crap as they can in it.

Introducing the Monster Thick Burger:

Look ma, it's Australia... no wait... that's just the type of food truckers named Mel eat...

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "Thank God someone has invented a way to subtly kill fat people."

Because that's what this thing does. At 1420 calories and 2740mg of sodium, this thing could stop the heart of a walrus.

At least we still have In-and-Out Burger.

June 20, 2006

Chunk Beef Alert: Celebrity Scaredown

I have to say, by and large, I've seen some very scary things in my time. Especially living in Seattle. Not so much because it's a scary city... rather a very tame city... but because when you group a large number of people together, there are always those odd ones that slip out and make themselves prominent. And I'm not saying the cool odd ones. Or the entertaining odd ones (see James Collins. But the odd ones that make you question humanity and beg for a quick and timely death (painless optional).

Humanity has a way of doing that. Sometimes you are immensely proud of it, and sometimes you shudder at the thought of being linked genetically with it.

And that harrowing thought brings me to tonights...

Chunky Beef Alert!

HAHAHAHAHAhahahahahah...-gasp, gasp-... HAHAHAHAHahahahahaha

Wow. You know, for years I hated Britney Spears for making me want to gouge my ears out every time her voice came over the radio... and then I felt a little sorry for her because she married White Trash on Legs. Now... wow. Wow. I mean... wow.

I mean, it's probably hard to remember back in the day... but THIS:

WAS Britney Spears.

So... Wow. I guess all I can say is, I feel a weird sense of pity mixed with uncontrollable laughter.

And the scariest part... she hasn't changed her dress style since her younger picture.

June 11, 2006

Chunky Beer Alert: Hospital Dangers!

I don't understand people. At least, not all people. And I don't understand how some things are structured.

Take, for example, how some hospitals have McDonald's built right into them. I mean, seriously?

What the fuck are you thinking?

The nearest I can figure is that it's an attempt to bring in repeat customers. Mr. Johnson, who has a heart-valve transplant because his heart is tired of pumping greasy burgers through his beaten up old veins, goes straight from his hospital bed down to the McDonald's and orders up a McHeart-Attack, SuperSized, of course... and bam, two weeks later, he's spending more for a second heart-valve.

Way to go Douchebag Johnson.

And that brings me to Chunky Beef, Smoker Lady.

Seriously? At a hospital?

I took this at the VA Hospital, where there is a smoking shelter. No, scratch that, there are like three smoking shelters. What the fuck? I can understand something like that at a bar or restaurant... but at a hospital? Why not just get rid of it and force people to adapt. For fuck's sake! It's smoking, not eating... (although in this case, this lady seems to have a problem with both).

You know what, if she wants to smoke, make her ass walk down the block and smoke there! It might help deter her from smoking a little. And that is providing exercise. I just cannot comprehend this act of providing shelter to someone who's already harming their body. If you really want to be a risk-taker, smoke in the fucking rain!

June 01, 2006

Chunky Beef Alert: The Dangers of Bus-Ridin'

Today I am starting a new special, called "Chunky Beef Alert" in which I bring to you, all those that read this blog (all 1 of you), the dangers of those I designate as Chunky Beef.

Now, before we get to the dirt and grit of the post, I should at least explain what Chunky Beef is and what Chunky Beef is not.

Chunky Beef IS NOT simply a large man or woman.

Chunky Beef is a large man or woman that pisses me off or is obnoxious.

Lastly, Chunky Beef is WHOEVER I say.

Simple rules, no?

And now, meet our first Chunk Beef Alert:

Much like pictures of the elusive Big Foot, Chunky Beef Bus-Man, dodges behind urban "trees" to avoid the camera.

I have a problem with people who blantantly don't take care of themselves and then demand compensation. It's like someone who drinks when they have liver disease. And I'm not talking about those who have mental health issues. That's different. The ones who simply refuse to try and change... they bother me.

So the same goes for this Chunky Beef. I ran into this, and barely survived a mauling, when I was waiting for the bus. While waiting, Chunky Beef Bus-Man was sitting on a bench (all of the bench) smoking a cigarette outside of the smoking shelter. Contaminating my air. Yeah, that's right. Fat and smokey... and then he cuts in front of me while getting on the bus.

Fuck you Chunky Beef Bus-Man. I do not need to make space for you when you are threatening my existence with your gravity-altering mass of destruction. You're very presence has probably altered the tidal ebb and flow of the oceans.

Hey, here's a thought: Try a Lean-Pocket with some Nicotine Gum!

I know it sounds mean, but if you were trying to be healthy, I would not have a problem with you.