December 31, 2003

[S.NoW]

You know what sucks... what sucks is when asian-alaskans call you, but because you were on the phone with someone else, or because you can't make it to the phone, they decide not to leave a message or try calling back later.

Damn you jimmoi. Damn you and you being asleep right now.

In other news... I am bored out of my mind. Nothing to do here... and I can't get ahold of anybody. Justin and Breanna are out... Jimmy's in alaska... haven't tried James yet, but he usually is sleeping these days.

What is wrong with all you and your need for sleep? I hate you all.

This post is going nowhere, and I had such a good idea for a post too. Bah, this is definitely turning into the type of posts that I hate.

oh and... snow rocks. Yes it does. Those of you who can't drive when its snowing... you all just suck at driving. :P See how i make grandiose generalizations like that. Snow is great. It cools things down... like... hot things. And people can snowboard on it. Yeah...

Now i know some of you are saying... "you can't snowboard on three inches of snow in your backyard". To those of you, i say, "have you actually tried it?!"

Exactly.

To the others who are saying, "snowboarding is gay", i say...

well...

"you are gay".

Keep 'em comin' you bastards.
SNOW RULES
On another note, I'd like to rant.

SNOW



I fucking hate the snow.
Granted, it's damn fun to go into a parking lot and have an e-brake party all over the place...if there aren't cops around.
But that's the only thing it's good for.
It's cold as shit, and we all know how I love the cold. It makes it a bitch to drive in, gods forbid ya have to go up/down many large and/or steep hills. Most importantly, it fucks up plans. In school, it sucked because on occasion they'd call school out, so we end up sitting at home on a day that we hadn't planned on, so we can't do much (Playing in the snow is fun, but that is what Mt Rainier is for), originally it meant one day less of summer vacation - which was a total bummer. They eventually fixed that by making "snow days" days that we had off....unless they called a day out for snow sometime that year. So here you are all excited that ya have a day off, then people are like "oh...that's a snow day...we have to go to school that day"
God dammit.
If ya want to go long distances? Sorry...not happening, I know I certainly don't want to drive on the freeway unless I know it's safe (which it isn't right now)
Tonight I had plans. I was going to go out right after work and hang out with some chick I met at the mall/hung out with the other night. What happens? I'm at work and it starts snowing. By the time I get off work, there are inches. I know I certainly can't risk going in a ditch, seeing as how I get arrested if caught driving. Tomorrow, I have plans. I'm suppose to go to a party with this chick, get drunk -- have a good New Years, all that fun stuff. But of course, here's the snow -- and chances are it's going to snow all night long, make it damn near impossible for me to get anywhere tomorrow, and ruin my New Years Eve.
Man oh man.

I hate the snow.

December 30, 2003

Ok, so for those who I haven't told already (and those few who couldn't figure it out on their own)

The post about the day after Christmas was obviously a fake.

I posted that because I came under fire from my ex (of about 2 months now) for the post I made about Christmas day. (Which was true in it's entirety) I'm appearently an asshole for everything I did in that post (Regardless of the fact that I'm single)

So...since my life on the board is obviously watched so closely -- I decided to make a new post =)
Note: Everything in that post is real, up until after the "verbally attacked by neurotic craziness" or whatever. Everything after that was simply to spark anger for my entertainment, being the asshole that I am =)

Upon waiting a few days, I decided to make a probe, see how it worked.
Here is the result:

FlaymeRaven: I know we're not talking now - but if ya don't mind me asking -- is the father thing going ok, because regardless of anything that still bothers me.
Darkeningmidnight: why the fuck do you give a shit why dont you go and fuck that druken hore you were with when we talked last
Darkeningmidnight: ppiece o shit
Darkeningmidnight: go to hell
FlaymeRaven: what drunken whore
Darkeningmidnight: the foursome with andy
FlaymeRaven: ah that.
FlaymeRaven: heh
FlaymeRaven: aright just askin
FlaymeRaven: bye =)

Man, I didn't think it'd work that well, since most people figured out pretty easily that it was total bullshit. (Now granted, although I am confident in my ability to get multiple girls in bed...Andy just isn't the type of person I'd prefer to be sharing that with) =P

Heh.
And yes, multiple people will probably be like "shutup steve we don't want to hear about your ex-problems" but man oh man, it's funny -- I can't resist. (I'm not invited to be an asshole like this very often, you see)
[Correction]

So Jimmy pointed out to me that it was actually Steve-o that first brought up the whole topic of a naked Steve and Andy, so my apologies to Bonnie and James...

... though i still imagine that 1) the army would warp anybody's line of thought given enough time, and 2) James didn't mind thinking of naked Andy and Steve.

That being that, I was thinking of top-five lists of things because I got into a conversation of top five Sci-fi movies with Jimmy and so that has been etched into my mind for some time. So that being that... I decided to make a top five list of inventions that have changed man:

  • Top Invention Number 5- "The Microscope": It changed the way science was done. In fact, really it made science. It made the general populous jump from cutting rabbits feet off for good luck to killing bacteria.
  • Top Invention Number 4- "The Wheel": Cliché but definitely true. Whoever has a car, I'd like to see you argue this one.
  • Top Invention Number 3- "The Computer": Probably the most influential invention of the previous century. They are in thousands of homes now... and if you're the Collins family, then they are practically in every room of the house. One day I'm gonna go visit and Michael will be playing Starcraft Five: The Super-Zerg Agenda in the bathroom.
  • Top Invention Number 2- "The Camera": I thought about putting the videocamera, but really that's just an extention of the camera. Picture takin' rocks... and everyone does it. And there's something about looking at a picture that's fifteen years old of stuff you just don't remember. Pictures carry weight.
  • Top Invention Number 1- "The Telephone": I think, personally, it's the best invention. Or at least the most influential. You can talk to people hundreds and thousands of miles away. We can talk to people in space. I can call James and say, "pick me up from the busstop bitch", and he'll say, "tza!". Don't you see!? Wonderful.

Meh, I must be bored. Only people who are bored or psychotic make top five lists. Just look at High Fidelity.

I'm done here.
quick question...does anybody know offhand how many miles it is between south-hill/summit area and bethel?
just curious because the other night i actually was bored out of my skull and walked that distance and i was wondering how far it was

December 29, 2003

[Graphics Galore]

Wow, I didn't really expect anybody to follow up on that whole badguy list, mostly cause I figured the board stopped getting readers. Now, I didn't actually think some of those belonged on my list, and some did. Koopa, nah, not really...

But who could deny the Joker? Seriously, the guy was fucked up, and if you were to go based on kill amounts alone, then he's up there. So is Darth Vader, whatever you all might think. Like was pointed out, he ran the Death Star! He was prepared over and over again to kill billions upon billions of people. Just because he was forgiven in the last five minutes of the movie, that doesn't mean anything. If anything, he should be given more credit, because he managed to avoid the Star Wars version of Hell after killing billions of people. The guy was an EVIL GENIUS.

Mr. Burns. I actually thought about him and the Predator, but in both cases, they seemed to switch between the bad guy and good guy roles. Predator in Predator I was an awesome badguy... but in Predator II he was more a "lethal enforcer". Mr. Burns was just greedy. I don't know if that counts in of itself.

And Hans Gruber. Okay, that guy rocked. Hands down he was awesome... definitely should have thought of him...

Of course, when you consider that I put together the post in five minutes on the spur of the moment after finishing a game of Mario Kart, I think I did okay.

That all being said... I had a bunch more to post, but I don't remember what it was.

OOOh yeah... so apparently one of three things possibly happened yesterday.

First, the backstory:

I went out to go to Target. I went out to get some shaver blades for my razor because I needed them. Yay, interesting. Then I bought trash bags because the house needed them. Then I pondered for awhile about buying a video game. I didn't. Then I pondered about buying a movie. I didn't. Then I went to Best Buy. I pondered the video game again. I didn't buy it. The movie. I ended up buying two: Chasing Amy and High Fidelity. I like them, what can I say.

Then I decided to go home. I go home. I unlock the door and go to my room. And what do my wondering eyes behold but 12 small red tinsel trees lining my room, and a larger 13th tree, red tinsel, above my bed. I think. I go to my roommate Ginny and talk to her. She says she didn't know about it, but that she saw a tall-ish blonde girl wearing a white snow-jacket with pink stripes walking around the house and in my room. She had blonde hair. She didn't get her name. Other roomates were then asked. Nobody knew anything. Some weren't home at the time, others locked away in their room. Result: I have 13 red tinsel trees in my room, the origins of which are still unknown to me.

So this leaves me to wonder... what is going on. And now to my three theories:

  • Theory Number 1: The Roommate Conspiracy: It is entirely possible that one or more of my roommates are lying about the whole red tree thing, and that they did it as some sort of Christmas-joke. I could see them doing that... or at the very least, I wouldn't put it past them. However, obviously by looking at the trees, someone had to buy them, first of all, and go through extra effort of setting them up to be placed around my room. Now this clashes with most of my roommates, who can be lazy and whom I couldn't see spending that much money on some random Christmas-joke... at least not without some good reason.

  • Theory Number 2: The Mistaken Room: Now it is also quite possible that my room was simply mistaken for someone else's room. Certainly it is possible because while each of us have friends, each of our friends may not know exactly which room belongs to which person. It is possible that my room was mistaken for Joe's (asian, some of you know him), or Allen's (asian, again, some of you might know him - mostly jimmy). However, despite the plausibility and likelihood of this possibility, it seems a little off because I have plenty of pictures of me in the room to make it seem like my room. From pictures of us all at paintball, to a couple of me or me and Kristen, it seems unlikely that someone would make that mistake.

  • Theory Number 3: Secret Admirer/Friend: Now this one seems very farfetched because it just seems farfetched. Coupled with a couple of other things. While I do know of a couple of girls that are a little tall with blonde hair, none I know have white snowjackets with pink. Only two girls even fit that general description, and one of them is in Europe right now. The other doesn't know where I live, and its not likely that she would do this. It's not likely to be Kristen, because she's not tall with blonde hair. She's short with red hair. Now, it could be that she or another friend had another friend do it, but again, it seems too farfetched to be in the realm of real possibility.

And there you have it my friends... my quandry. As you can tell I'm both puzzled, and very... very bored such as to have posted this. But hey, at least i didn't put disturbing images of andy and steve doing sexual naked things with each other like Bonnie and James apparently like to fantasize about. James I can understand because that eight year mark is fast approaching (I know, old joke, but c'mon, it fit for its purpose)... but Bonnie? Why would you think that?

I imagine it's because of serving in the army, doing whatever she does. Maybe it snaps the human mind more than the government is willing to admit. Maybe it's those anthrax vaccines that they were originallly forcing people to take. Maybe it inducing images of andy and steve naked and touching each other. I'll have to add that to the growing list of reasons not to enter the armed forces.
say what you want about peter north,
but all in all you cannot deny that MISSION EROTICA (x) and MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS (x) were the pinnacle of cinematic achievement in 1998.
-ANOTHER LINK-
-CLICK ON ME-

yeeeup

December 27, 2003

hahahaha.
I've been working on a mspaint - or maybe even flash.
with steve and andy and two girls and pool cues.
and high fives and dialogue like :


steve-o: Are you fuckin' that bitch?
( points at woman Andy is obviously fucking from the rear )
andy: Dude! I am so fuckin' this bitch!
( gives thumbs up )
( steve slaps andy's ass )
steve-o: TAG OUT! SWITCH!
( steve and andy both hobble from their respective 'chicas' who both smile in unison )
bitch #1: Are you going to fuck me?
( bitch #1 points to herself )
andy: German Engineering, see my soldier rise to the occasion!

bitch #2: On your mark!
( both andy and steven hunch their backs )
bitch #2: Get set!
( they then wiggle their hips, making genitalia flop around with a sickening " plofph " sound )
bitch #2: Go!
( both men pounce on the women... )


you get the idea.
just you wait. i'll get around to
"The Sexual Mis-Adventures of Steven and Andy"
Ew. I just pictured Andy naked. Then I picture Steve naked. Then I picture them naked together...touching...and laughing...and having a good time naked...I'm all about being naked...but not with more than one person touching me...too much information...want to post but know i shouldn't...ah, fuck it...post.
Best day after Christmas EVER!

Went to play pool with uber cue again.
Andy also got an uber cue.
Uber hot chica shows up, great body, good face, flawless.
The one open table doesn't work.
I invite her and her friend to play teams, to be nice (and stare at ass)
They do.
Got phone #'s.
Come home.
Get verbally bombarded with neurotic craziness from ex, almost scaring me.
Get stressed.
Call phone #'s.
Go to hot girls house, with Andy.
Girls are.....wild.
Take part in first 4 person orgy (omg.)
Girls want to bring in webcam.
Connect to yahoo.
Continue orgy.
Run out of energy.
Post.
Girls laugh.
Being drug off for bed now.

December 26, 2003

Best Christmas EVER!

Got an uber pool cue.
The new Blood Omen game I been bitching about.
Got plastered.
Went to a bar to play pool.
Was at bar for 5 mins, came about as close as possible to a bar fight as possible without actually getting there.
Got guy kicked out for bein so drunk/startin fights.
Hit on stupid drunk guy's girlfriend. (It was also her birthday)

Yep. Great Christmas.

December 25, 2003

I keep wanting to use X T Christmas in some context or another.
But I cannot for the life of me figure something out.

So I hear there is a rave in a warehouse in seattle,
called X T Christmas.

I don't know I got nothin.

edit:
zak p o w: same ol bullshit
Flayme Raven: different day?
zak p o w: days no longer make any sense to me.
Flayme Raven: ?
zak p o w: you going to go to the XTCHRISTMAS RAVE?
Flayme Raven: .....
Flayme Raven: ?
Flayme Raven: assuming you didn't just make that up
zak p o w: its a HO HO HOLIDAY rave man
Flayme Raven: it'd be a dead rave
Flayme Raven: with nobody there.
Flayme Raven: ....?
zak p o w: you going to the CHRISTMAS REEFER rave?
Flayme Raven: wtf is with you?
zak p o w: I heard there was going to be a COKED UP HAUNUKA rave but its fuckin' full of jews.
zak p o w: you goin to the ANGELDUST rave?
Flayme Raven: And James, there is not rave in Seattle tonight called XTChristmas.
Flayme Raven: there is one rave that anyone will even be at
Flayme Raven: and that rave won't even have a decent number of people
Flayme Raven: so shutup.
zak p o w: THChristmas rave?
Flayme Raven: Are you getting some sort of jollies out of this? If you were actually making funny jokes -- I'd laugh at them, but you're simply being....stupid.
zak p o w: I hear they're going to play SANDSTORM at he IRAQI rave.
zak p o w: celebration catching sadam and all that
Flayme Raven: See that was almost funny
zak p o w: I really need to work on my drug culture
Flayme Raven: yes you do.
Flayme Raven: since rave is not a part of drug culture.
Flayme Raven: anymore than 'rock concert'
Flayme Raven: or 'rap battle'
zak p o w: or 'smoke out' or 'shoot up'
zak p o w: or 'hot boxing'
Flayme Raven: ....
zak p o w: sorry wrong IM window
Flayme Raven: ?
zak p o w: I was considering the SECRET SPEED SANTA rave ( S^3 )
zak p o w: but I figured the HOLIDAY HEROIN bash rave would have a higher turnout.
zak p o w: I hear there will only be alcohol at the REDFACED REINDEER rave.
zak p o w: in the end I decided I will go to the " TURN OFF THE LIGHTS AND PUMP UP THE VOLUME SO WE CAN GET HIGH AND DANCE OUT OF THIS WORLD " rave.
zak p o w: but if there arent many people there I'll goto the FREEBASE THE SNOWMAN rave
zak p o w: I hear the UPPERS and DOWNERS they'll have will be colored green and red. aint that some holiday spirit.
zak p o w: oh shit - friend of mine just informed me of the ORNAMENTAL OVERDOSE rave.
zak p o w: the KETAMINE KHRISTMAS rave
Flayme Raven signed off at 11:22:59 AM.


I got him to warn me to 35%
best part of my whole damned holiday.
Bah-fucking-humbug.

December 24, 2003

Fuckin blogger.

Publish bitch.
PUBLISH!!!

Appearently the server takes a Christmas vacation as well.
Gah.
Ok fine.

I'm sorry, The Ring was horrible -- only reason I enjoyed it was making fun of the stupid audience. Don't see why people liked it.
Yes, The Butcher was badass, though.
So...here's my 5.

#5. Mr Burns (The Simpsons)
Do I really need to explain?

#4. Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Come on, who didn't love to hate this guy? He was the most badass blade-outfit sporting ninja of our time. In the second movie, the part where one of the turtles gets a glimpse of him while thinking he was dead....you know that just got everybody's excitement levels pumping.

#3. Peon (Warcraft Series)
"ZUG ZUG!"

#2. The Butcher (Gangs of New York)
Pretty much what Aaron said...but he also had a top hat and a funny mustache.

#1. Kefka (Final Fantasy 3[6])
He was nothing but a comical underling that everybody underrated at first. A follower. But his leader didn't turn out to be absolute, pure evil. So he threw him off a floating island, and did something that pretty much destroyed the world. He then decided to become as powerful as a god.
Not to mention his theme song pwned.

cyclope45: anyway
cyclope45: im gonna go to bed
cyclope45: eat pudding
cyclope45: i love you nigga
zak p o w: lubz
zak p o w: like lugz
zak p o w: only not
zak p o w: not the shoes you know
zak p o w: like luv
zak p o w: only lub
zak p o w: but luv is slang for love see
zak p o w: and lub is slang for luv
zak p o w: see
zak p o w: get it
zak p o w: lubz
zak p o w: get it
zak p o w: dude its fucking funny
Auto response from cyclope45: shut the fuck up.
ALSO: the girl from the ring? are you mental? first off, the no motive is a little too michael myers ( who was a good villian too-killed just because he was evil) and darth vader rools over skelator. did skelator ever wipe out an entire planet?

Another five. Mangus Lee, Vampire Hunter D. he was horny, and noone was going to get in his way of poon.
Bruce, Jaws. a mindless killer, ate nekkid college kids. Jack Torrance the shining. Was trying to kill his own family. Keyzer Soze, usual suspects. Diabolical i guess is the word. and finally, Urkel from Family matters. Arch Nemises of Carl Winslow, his Hans Gruber.

Yeup. I must be really bored. How about Vicious from Cowboy Bepop?

December 23, 2003

you are all fools. you both failed to mention the greateast villian ever:



thats right bitched. HANS GRUBER! This guy was cool, ruthless and he had an awesome voice. and he was german, and we all know how evil them germans are.



CLUBBER LANG (note, i couldnt find one good picture of him, and youd think so being that he's played by Mr T, but just shows how evil he was...CLUBBER LANG DOES NOT TAKE PHOTO!! I PITY THE FOOL YOU TAKES A PICTURE OF CLUBBER LANG). This guy was just an asshole really, until he threatened to eat Rocky Balboa's children. Mike tyson modeled himself after the CLUBBER and look how evil he is.



A-ROD. Ruined baseball, and now he wines about playing for a losing team, when A) left the mariners because he felt that the rangers had a better chance of winning ( the mariners had the best record in baseball the next year) b) his contract is causing the rangers to lose and c) he worships the devil.

the last two i cant post pictures of because my broswer is all fucked up. SO:

T-1000 and Hannibal Lecture. yeup.

So, Christmas is the day after tomorrow. Great. I work tomorrow. I work on Christmas, from 4 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon with a bunch of people that I DO NOT LIKE for a bunch of people who I DO NOT LIKE and then i have to go to my aunt's house and be polite. Hmm....I don't know how well this is going to work out. I think I wasted all of my holiday spirit 2 months ago when i was actually excited about it. Now it kind of just feels like a chore. I want to be in the Christmas spirit, but I'm just too damn tired. ugh. I hate everyone who is in a good mood. Man, I'm a whiney bitch.


Umm... I don't think those are the five greatest villains of all time...

If I were to make a list it would go something like this:

"The Butcher" (Gangs of New York)
This villain was totally original. He evaded a stereotype as much as possible, and he had an accent that made him even more genuinely evil. He ruled all over every villain on your list.

Samara (The Ring)
That little girl was fucking creepy. Not to mention she had no motive, she existed merely to cause other displeasure which is what made her an interesting villain.

Skeletor (He-Man Cartoon)
Now, while this cartoon was gay in general. It had one redeeming factor, a badass villain. I think you all know why he belongs on the list.

Castor Troy (Face/Off)
Only when Nicholas Cage is him, not after the switch. He has those two gold pistols with the black dragons on the grips. Nicholas Cage is a badass in this movie when he's playing the villain.

The Predator (The Predator Movie)
The Predator in the first movie is awesome hands down.

I would also agree that Kefka, Sephiroth, and the villain from Ninja Gaiden 1 were all really good video game villains, I was just trying to steer clear of them.

Also, Jeff, Agent Smith? WTF? He's one of the reasons I don't like The Matrix in the first place.

Also, Darth Vader isn't that cool, any villain who can be instantly forgiven by a thirty second monologue of redemption was obviously not that evil in the first place.
Kefka was the coolest bad guy of all time.

So....screw you and your list.

December 22, 2003

[The Cause and Effect]

You have no idea how hard it is to post when your computer doesn't work...

On the other hand, some of you might not have any idea how... "freeing" it is to not have your computer work.

Anyway, I was thinking today... as i always do... and today's thought came to the idea of Villains.

That's right... the good ol' badguy. And I thought... wow, good badguys are hard to find. After all, the world needs badguys. Without badguys, we'd have no goodguys. Without badguys, we wouldn't have hour-plus long movies that bring us to such highs and lows, making us wonder... will the goodguy really win?

Anyway, to that end, I have composed a list of the top five Villains of all time, in reverse order:


  • King Bowser Koopa [Super Mario Brothers/NINTENDO]: That's right... the King of all evil turtles, and the constant nemesis to Mario and Luigi. He first made his appearance in the Super Mario Brothers game of the old 8-bit Nintendo system, and since then he has appeared in subsequent sequels. In most every game he has appeared in, he has been the major villain. Each time, he captures the Princess and makes it extremely difficult for Mario to get her back. In the first game, he managed to tangle with Mario/Luigi eight times, seven of which he always managed to escape. Boswer was such a villain that at one point he even employed his children to do his dirty work.


  • "John Doe" [Seven]: One of the best all-time villains, partly because of his creativity and style, partly because of his intellect, and partly because of the way he interacted with the detectives searching for him. He was always in control, always one step ahead of them. He had a plan so well thought-out that he managed to get himself arrested and still affect his last two "victims".


  • Agent Smith [The Matrix I, II, III]: Love the Matrix, Hate the Matrix, it doesn't really matter. One of the only redeeming qualities of the Matrix movies is Hugo Weaving's Agent Smith. The very way Smith holds himself in the movie speaks of his true villainness. During much of the movie, he manages to maintain his eerie calm, even in the midst of losing. His complete disgust and contempt for the human species rises well above what you might expect from an outsider. I would almost say that his contempt for humanity is higher than most any other character out there.


  • Darth Vader [Star Wars III, IV, V, VI]: Darth Vader, the single most evil man the entire empire ever created. Watching him enter a room made anybody shudder. He was the man responsible for the near complete destruction of the Jedi. He was instrumental in the collapse of the Republic. His presence was necessary for the Emperor to truly come to power. Who wasn't afraid of Darth Vader when they saw him choke one of his generals just by looking at him?? He was willing to kill his son several times, and kill his daughter as well.


  • The Joker [Batman]: The single most evil, vile villain of all time. The Joker. In any incarnation that you can remember, whether it be the movies, the cartoon, or the comics, the Joker rules over all in terms of villains. Several times he tried to kill mass populations using various means: gases, bombs, nuclear weapons, etc. When he kills, he always kills with a smile, and laughs about it later. His constant interaction with Batman is one for the ages. Sometimes Joker would kill just to get Batman's attention. For him, people are tools... no, toys in a big game.



Yes, without our wonderful villains, life just wouldn't be as interesting. Why would you need Batman, Superman, Spider-man, Neo, Mario, or any of the countless others? There would be no point. Though we may despise them, you can't get rid of them. Most superheroes must understand this, because so few of them actually kill their nemeses... if they did, they'd quickly be out of a job.
What the hell are you talking about...

It's "Never have to try to turn you mad"

December 21, 2003

BANG YOUR HEAD!!! METAL HEALTH WILL DRIVE YOU MAAAAD!!!

god, quiet riot rools.

December 20, 2003

I just have one thing to say:

I fuckin hate the pathetic white slime. and Steven, because if it were not for Steven, I would know nothing of his existence.
I will try to post my picture.

Christmas 2003


James, please fix my picture.

December 19, 2003

So I found myself wondering: why would someone fuck a horse; why would you think to make a porno out of it; how would you go about it?

You get yourself a couple of skanky porn queens, because everyone knows regular non-skanky porn queens wouldn't fuck a horse - they do have standards after all. You drive around in the country for a while until you see the perfect porn-star horse. Go up with skanky porn queens, camera crew, etc. and knock on the farmers door:

Porn Producer: "Uh, hey, can we, uh...borrow your horse for, uh, an hour or so?"

Farmer Bill: "What?"

PP: "Yeah, just, uh, need to, uh, get some footage for our, um...documentary."

FB: "What the fuck...?!?!?!"

PP: "We're with the, um, uh...Discovery Channel"

FB: "Well, I reckon..."

PP: "Good, um, it would be great if you didn't, uh, watch, for, um...authenticity"

FB: "..."

PP: "Say, that's a 'he' horse, isn't it?"

FB: "Yeah..."

PP: "Good..."

FB: "You're not gonna hurt him now..."

PP: "No, I imagine he'll quite enjoy it."

FB: "Wha.."

PP: "Here's an old gym bag full of money."
Okay, I'm pathetic.
Here's the story:

I'm now starting to reap the benefits of getting paid a third less. I'm off until January 5th. Not on vacation, I just don't need to show up. Not contracted to work those days. But I'm fucking bored. I've been off work exactly four hours; drank three beers (by myself), talked to my mom on the phone (she called-just started a new, shitty job and needs someone to talk to about it. My dad's no help because he hates his job and takes every chance he gets to bitch about it), and read some Poe (Murders of the Rue Morgue).

Starting off a holiday boring. At this rate, I'll be going to work Monday just for something to do. My boss: "What the hell are you doing here?" Me: "Ran out of beer, watched all the good porn, need something to do."

Proof that the French (which compose a whole 16th of my genetic makeup) are fucked up: "Rue Morgue." "Mortuary Street." Who the fuck names a street "Mortuary Street?" Weird bastards. Although, the statue they gave us does kick ass.

Jimmoi, you need to get your right-wing asian ass on a plane down here.


We got some beer to drink and discussions to have.

Speaking of planes, I've decided to go to Europe this spring. Why not? It's only money. Figure I'll start with the United Kingdom, for two reasons:

1) I speak the language.
2) I know a Brit.


Fuckit. Time for a shower and some prescription pain killers.

December 18, 2003

I am finally compelled to post - but post of what? As of late I've had nothing to say. I didn't even have a response to Bradbury's comment about my persona under the effects of intoxication. Mind you - I wasn't piss drunk / scratch that - all I can remember is popcorn, a nice waiterman, and doughnuts. Let's go on a side tangent shall we ( reguardless of the fact that I still haven't stated a specific direction for this )

A little something about my first time at a bar

Well you see the thing is I'd never been to a bar, and after my first beer bonging I was saying to myself " well it is a night of firsts " - and no, I don't mean I was thinking of anal sex because I've gone down that road long long ago - I'm talking about bars. We met up with Bradbury at sharis - the one that doesn't allow smoking, where everyone who we " use to know " worked there - but now they don't so the shitty food isn't worth the shitty service. I now frequent the Shari's which allows smoking - they have a tad bit more "somber" feeling to them at 3am on a wednesday, and the regular service there already "knows" me a little bit. In any event : So after the waitress sat us down in a booth where she had to REMOVE THE WOODEN WALL FROM ( when on the other side of the resturant there was clearly empty four-person booths ) - I turned to Bradbury and said : hay, you wanna just blow this place and goto a bar?

He was hesitant at first, but after awhile when nobody showed up on time were were out of there like a chocolate cake that grew legs and a mind finding itself in the center of a fat-woman's home on a friday night. We showed up and this guy whom all I remember about him was " nice " served us beers - and I've come to actually crave the taste of guiness now : so when jim-bo gets down here we're definately going to have some dark-ales. For some damn odd reason now everytime I smell second hand smoke I have an unsatiable urge for a White Russian / Caucasian. Man thems some good drinks, we'll have to have a shitpile of those too. Anywho I've gotten bored of my bar story now.


You dig my blockquote? Yeah I've been using them a lot as of late, damn you Jeff. I have decided that the reason that the board is seeing so much activity is because of Christmas. Everyone is in some god-awful holiday spirit and feel the need to communicate their happiness and joy to eachother. May I be the first to wish you all a terrible christmas, I mean it. I hope your presents are ones that you dont want, and if you do get what you want - that you forget to buy batteries and you cannot use them until some good time into the next year because every store you goto will have sold out of batteries. I hope the food you eat on christmas gives you some sort of rot-gut and you have to go to the hospital and they'll diagnose you with rot-gut cancer and say you'll only have until 2 months into the next year so you better hope some store gets some batteries. Then I hope you find yourself sexually impotent because of the rot-gut and unable to sexually perform because thats all that matters in the world is if you have sex or not. Thats right, thats what sort of holiday cheer I have for you.

And anyone who knows me knows that I'm all talk. That I'm a real nice guy. I forgive people easily and don't hold grudges. I give of my own freely ( unless it's bacon. Bacon is something else, mang ) - and when someone asks me for help, or well someone I know asks me for help, I am more than happy to ablige. There are those in the world who call me an asshole, that I do not know how to treat my friends, or that I am cold, emotionless and heartless. To these people I say you have no sense of humor, and that you deserve the fatuous bullshit filled lives you manifest onto yourselves. Those who get along with me are those who will find the humor in a man who survives three wars as a war veteran only to be run down by a sixteen year old in a van while he goes to check his mail. The sort to find humor in a young woman who loses her legs after a violent rape incident but little did the rapist know was that she had AIDS from being a prostitute, and prostitutes without legs make more money off of men with fetishes for paraplegic women : so who really got raped? The kind who will laugh at you when things are going bad for you, when you've lost all hope, and when you're having a really shitty day, but who'll help you get your mind off it all.

Shit I'm on another tangent.
Moving on.

...

Shit I've suddenly lost interest in writing anything.
One last bit - When Jimmoi comes down he's expressed interest in a paintball game.
I've talked to pinkos (and her current girlfriend ), jeff, bradbury, napster, michael, and aaron who all have showed interest in joining.

I plan to contact Mr. R, Drew, Mike Rigney, Justin/Breanna, jOe, Steven, Bonnie, and D.T. to see if they'd be interested.
Hopefully if anyone remembers " The target crew " members - see if they'd be interested as well.

meh. im going to sleep.
[How is eight tentacles really better than two arms?]

Hahahah, that was great Jimmy... really great. Where did you find that and do you know if it's true?

Ahhh... excellent.

So yeah, I'm officially done working at the one job that I'd been working at for the last two years. Wow... times flies and all that cliché stuff. I will say though that I did enjoy it, and you feel weird when you leave a job that you actually liked. I remember when I left Target I couldn't contain my glee. I mean, I was leaving Target. I was leaving Target and I was moving on up to UW.

Now it's different though. I'm out of UW and I'm leaving a job associated with UW. It's weird cause I've defined the last couple of years of my life as a college student. Now I'm not that anymore. Meh. Not that any of you bastards care. No... too busy to take time out of your box-makin' lives to care.

Especially you Michael Collins. EVERY STEP!

The cool thing is everyone threw me this going away party... felt weird being the only one under thirty there... potentially I think I was the only one under fourty... but hey, they were all cool, and they gave me a bunch of money as a Christmas gift. Weird when people do that. Not money per se... but when they get you something when you don't expect it.

I think I'm gonna start doing that... giving gifts to people who don't expect it. Instead of all you.

Yes... especially since all James got me one year was a weird Shark thing that when you pulled the string the shark came chomping up the string after a half-eaten man.

WTF was that?!

Hehehe, you guys are great. I still have that shark thing... how funny is that? That and the gay-transgendered Power Ranger. I can't find all of his helmet though... but i still got'em.

Hurry up and get back Jimmy.
something to read to pass the time:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered saying, "Hello." I
politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and hung up.I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the
phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window...so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right
after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I
had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said,

"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" .
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." T hen I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me!," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

Anger management at it's very best.

[Lazer Tag]

Hmmm, yeah, it does sound interesting in that way that actions movies sound interesting. And it has Kate Beckinsale... and she is hot. Not just hot, but HOT. Maybe it's the british accent. You know, that's the real reason we came to their rescue back during WWII.

And damnit, everyone is seeing Return of the King but me... you fucks. Oh well, I read the book anyway, so I know how it ends... it's not like Peter Jackson is gonna change it on me. It's not like I find out that Frodo decides to keep the ring, puts it on, and becomes Lex Luthor, in the most insane crossever ever.

Heh, i wonder would Tolkien would do if that ever happened to his story... i mean if he were alive.

Unless he is resurrected in that new movie starring Hugh Jackman... and the only way Hugh Jackman can save the day is poppin' out with his claws and ripping Tolkien a new one.

... stop giving me that look you bastards.

It's it interesting how I've actually begun posting more now that my laptop has decided to bite it. Bah. Not that it's completely dead. Rather, I just have a thousand dollar twenty gig hard drive. Oh well, that's what I get for not buying a laptop bag and just carryin' it around in my backpack that I've had for four years.

Oh and here's something interesting for those of you who don't watch the news... (strangely I've started doing that more often as well. I think something is seriously wrong with me.) Michael Jackson decided to become Islamic last night.

Which brings me to my great idea for December:
If I ever become super wealthy and famous, I'm going to do odd and erratic things. For example, I'll randomly change my name to various things like: Joe Kickass (yes I stole it from the Simpsons, but they aren't real so ha!), Reginald Winters, Luke Groundwalker, and "The Psychologist formerly known as Luke Groundwalker".

I will also begin dangling cats out of high-story windows... Cats are funnier to watch dangling than are children, at least in my opinion.

Because when you think about it, people are going to remember Michael Jackson far more for his behavior of late than his music, not that he wasn't good.

That's all.
-LINK-

HAHAHHAAAAAA. oh man. remember the show? in the library? and james was talking about getting breanna stuff if she ever died, and set her up as a coffee table? hahah...oh man. once again james-someone beat you to the punch and took your idea. muhahaha. funzo.

anyway. i need to find out how im goign to get home next week. i believe the dates will be monday - sunday. but we shall see. paintball. bars. movies. christmas. funzar.

anywho. i hate you all. peace niggas.

December 17, 2003

You know your life has taken a drastic downturn when:

A) M. Collins has a better 18th than you did.
B) Jimmoi is surrounded by more hot tail than you are.
C) You start getting spam en español.

Wait - hold on.
A) I don't remember my 18th birthday. Judging by how things usually went on a non-birthday-night-out for me in high school, I'm guessing it was pretty wild.
B) They're the Hotties of the Frozen Tundra, and I am surrounded by MILFs and hot 24-year-old teachers.
C) Spam is less annoying when you can't understand what it is they're trying to sell you.

Hmm.....

Nope, still pretty bad.

Damn you Jimmoi, you Asian Republican, you. You need to bring some of those strippers with you when you come down here. If you come down here.

But I am looking forward to a lively political debate with you in a pub somewhere. Maybe we'll have Piss-Drunk James along again.

I must say, James hammered is really quite entertaining. And I mean that in a good way. Think about how much James notices and points out life's little idiosyncrasies sober. Now, take away higher reasoning and inhibitions. Good stuff.
HAHAHHAA. DeathBears. ah. that made my day.
on a serious note, Return of the King like Revolutions made the entire triology for me.

im starting going out with that stripper friend of mine again. now she brings along other strippers, so i walk around surrounded by 6-8 hot strippers. i kinda felt like a rapper.
im rarely sober nowadays, and i even began to bring my flask to work and drink there (on a side note, crown is uber; thanks for the suggestion james). during one of our drunken debates b/t me and eddie, the subject of god came up. i guess i was trying to explain the whole jesus on the cross forgivness thing and how i saw it as a loophole/cheap way into heaven. christianities main flaw in my opinion. but while i was explaining it, eddie brought up return of the jedi. no matter how much you hated darth vader and how evil he was and all the people he killed- luke, the audience and the filmakers all forgave him. so, in a way...darth vader is the sinner and luke is like jesus.

-LINK-


thats a link to the new Hugh Jackman movie. or Hugh Jizzi. seems interesting. in the fun action dont take it too seriously or your head will explode sort of way. kind of like the Mummy. Incidentially, the Mummy was based on an old adventure/horror movie from universal...much liek Van Helsing is...but i like Hugh Jizzi more than Brendon Fraiser (though the director for the mummy and mummy returns is also doing this one...fuck...).

Well im through with this post. plus i need to take a shit. fucking zacho needs to post. and james and bradbury and steven...hmm...aaron too. fuckers.
[IRS]

You know your life is crap when Michael Collins has a better 18th birthday out than you did when you were 18.

Damn you Michael. It will now be my life's goal to crush you at every step. EVERY STEP!

In other news...
Justin is doing okay. Not that any of you actually know, but he had some "unable to breath" problem a couple weeks back. That was the day Bonnie came by James house to visit and insisted on giving everyone hugs. Bleh. Hugs. Hugs are those things the Carebears used to kill people with. Don't be fooled. They may be called "Care"bears... but they are really Deathbears with pelts of pastel fur. Don't believe the lies.

Well anyway, I guess he went to the doctors and all they said was, "Yeah, we dont know what's wrong with you, so have an inhaler." Damn. I could be a doctor.

Anyway, he's feelin' better, so i say when Jimmy comes down for Christmas, if he does, we all get together during that week. Mucho Gusto.

And finally...

EVERY STEP Michael Collins... EVERY STEP!.
Just turned 18, and drove around looking for things to do. Stoped at a gass station said " yeah im looking to buy a cigar. " The lady looked at me like, this must be some joke, after she noticed i wasnt joking ( about 10 sec ) she asks for my ID. This has to be the funnest thing i EVAR have done, I whiped my ID out like james bond and smiled.

I drove away with a cigar is my mouth, not lit because I dont want the car to smell like crap, Pluss I dont smoke. ( fuckers were all busy )

Went to school got some papers done and will be doing yet ANOTHER online internet class that this time has more hands on. 80% of the students didnt get all their credits because there was not enough time put into them or not complete. Me I got 1 credit and it was in math, the rest were not nuff time. I mentioned job and the teacher i will soon have mentioned a program where I work, I get a credit, and I get paid. It may be fredmyers, but money is money at 7.50 an hour.

aahh tonight will be fun, gunna get all my old buddies that i havent seen in quite a bit and were all gunna act like rich people at a poker table with cigars....minus the table....and the being rich....and um...add an arcade

OH!!!! and by the way, i have a new system =) I love it alredy...and have MADE love to it alredy Mwahahahahah

UPDATE!!!!


Just as i was about to go to sleep a friend of mine says " hey lets go do something " alright, its my 18th B day, screw sleep. Drove out to arrons house ( on which he said i could have temple elemental evil if he could find it....which he didnt ) picked bnuddy up and we went out to paint the town a redish blue green.


First stop was hooters, the skimpy outfits and lowcut shirts were GOOD but not the poll dancing awesomeness i expected on TV we had a JUMBO BURGAR OF DOOM!!!! We sat right next to the food bay where the ladys have to get drink and food. Every time they came by to give the order to she cheff they would put it on a line and serv it, like vollyball, it was so hot. We were full and the looking at skimpy clad women was geting boring, so we went to the cash register and one of the women i knew.

Lady " hey didnt i go to school with you?!?!?? "
me " yeah... whats up. "
Lady " You prolly didnt graduate did you. "
me " naw I'm in internet classes working on it, so why are you working here ??? "

At which point she took offance and gave me a cold stare. We paid and left.


Next was buying legal porn. We went to our local White castle megastore and upon entering i was greated with HOT LESBIANS!!! Well.. it was a poster but feh. Guard asks for my I.D. and the first thing out of his mouth is " wow you just made it, happy birthday. " Hours went by, laughed at just about EVERYTHING, some things scared me a bit... like a dildo as big as a YARD STICK. anyways I bought a hot cheerleader on cheerleader mag, some edible pantys and a nekid lady lighter. RIGHT when i payed for the pantys, I opened and ate the edible pantys ( if any of you want a alright snack for 5 bux i reccomend those. ) They werent as gummy as i expected.

Walked out the store and smoked a cigar... was fun, then the whole " man i smell like smoke " thing came and the " god my mouth taste like crap " so smoking is really not for me.

Stoped at a gass station and bought some loto tickets, be real funny if i won, which i wont. That was the night. I think i did just about EVERYthing there is to do when you turn 18, except buying hookers


December 16, 2003




gotta admit...doc oct looks pretty cool. anywho:

-LINK TO TRAILER-
[Ask for Change]

So Michael turned 18... damn... who'd have thought that day would come. I personally thought you might die of some disease and one day when we visited Mr. J.collins, we'd see you slumped over a computer with Planetside, or whatever game it is you young'un's play nowadays...

18... meh... you'll soon find it to be a big jip, if you haven't already. All you really get to do is sign up for the draft and buy cigarettes. Look what it's done to jimmy, what with the superSMOKER that he is an all... Though i suppose it's something to do nonetheless.

Oh, and you can legally look at naked girls... like i'm sure that hasn't happened already thanks to the internet. Good ol' internet, taking away one more reason why people look forward to being 18.

I had this funny-ass picture to post, but unfortunately, I can't figure out how to do that right now, even though Jimmy told me how to. I was listening... i just didn't store it away... that and he started talking military talk - i think he was covering 'cause one of the higher-ups came into the room and he's not allowed to make them calls that he always makes.

Oh well.

Hey Bradbury, you wouldn't know how to repair defunct monitor problems would you? Or know of someone who could for a fairly reasonable price. I trust that you wouldn't ream me like most repair places would.

Bah, that's all i got for the moment.

December 15, 2003

[Pity List #4]

Before I start my rant of who should be pitied... i must apologize... for I have not posted in like a week or more because my monitor decided to go out. I suppose in reality that's my fault... my fault for stuffing my laptop in my bag crammed with a whole crap-load of other stuff (paper work, camera equipment, video tapes, etc.) Either way, I'm screwed now... because I can't use the computer... the hard drive still works, as is evidenced by the fact that I'm reading information off of it using the G5 Mac in Mary Gates Hall...

Good ol' UW Tech Fee... I knew it'd be good for something.

So now on to the fourth person who needs to be pitied... and pitied bad...

And again, as before, this is not so much a person, but persons...

this time, it's a category of person... Backers-of-the-gulity-in-the-face-of-common-sense, I call them.

Do any of you remember the story a couple of weeks ago where this 400-lb black man... and yes, before you ask, he really was four hundred pounds, according to my recollection of the story. He might be a little less, but IF i remember correctly, he was definitely above 300 pounds. Well, anyway... so this big 400-lb black guy is pulled over and the cops are prepared to arrest him for some crime, when he goes nuts and starts fighting with the cops.

In the end, the BIGman dies. And here is where my Pity fits in.

There is a whole community of people who are now crying police brutality and police crime because the BIGman died as a result of the fight between the cops. And I do mean fight. It wasn't a beating... it was a fight. The police tape seems to clearly illustrate this. Did they go a little too far... potentially... but then again... the man was 400-lbs.

And that's not all. Let's break this idiocy down a little bit.

This guy was 400-lbs of mass, filled with adrenaline, and get this... drugs... this will be important later. So this guy is zonkin' out... angry because the cops want to arrest him... and i'm sure he's wondering, "oh just what did i do wrong?"
(For information sake, I think he was driving under the influence or something... might have been speeding... don't remember). Now, a mass of 400-lbs decides to start pummeling cops. What do you do? Well, you fight back.

That's what the cops did. They fought back. Maybe they made a slight mistake by continuing to hit him while he was down... but by the looks of the tape, he wasn't exactly unconscious... he was kicking and such... and if you ANYBODY in that situation, you're adrenaline is kicked into high gear and you are fighting for survival. That means, you make sure the person who is well and above bigger than you can't get back up to knock your head in.

Seems clear cut right? Well, not so. Apparently the community of people are outraged. "YOU KILLED HIM!" they shout. Fine... they are hurt and angry and untrusting. It's prolly a community that has had problems in the past with the police... Fine. Question things... FINE. But do not... DO NOT SAY THE FOLLOWING: "He was such a gentle man, who never hurt anyone, and wouldn't hurt anyone... and was innocent."

No. NO NO NO. NO! I myself may or may not agree that the fight got out of hand. But the man was NOT INNOCENT. Why do people ALWAYS say that. "He was innocent!" "He was misunderstood!" He was misunderstood probably because as crime lab toxicology reports showed, he was doped up on heroin or crack. D'oh. Real innocent there. He had priors for being physically aggressive. A man that big... oooh, big surprise. He prolly has the adrenaline and testosterone levels equalling the entire state of Rhode Island. Big suprirse that he might get a little... miffed.

This are the people I pity. Pity too ignorant to realize that, while yes maybe he didn't deserve to die... neither did the cops who were doing their job. Think about it. If a 400-lb man came charging at you like a raging bull, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make sure you are safe?? Especially if he's drugged out and doesn't feel pain like a normal person would.

For those of us who know him... think of jOe. If jOe was hopped up on an overdose of heroin-laced twinkies and came lunging at us like a lunatic... who would sit there and take it? Who'd reason with him? I think Steve-o knows best what a raging jOe is like, choking the life out of you? Yea, jOe's a kind-hearted guy... but if something makes him snap... he'll kill you and you'll try to defend yourself.

For the people who were saying, "OOOH the police are evil and they hate us and they are brutal..." Think before you say stuff. Yes, some police are brutal and need to be put in check... but not every situation is another example of Police Brutality. Not every situation involving the police will end up being a Rodney King.

I really pity you.
ive seen him read three of his books and 2 of his movies and still hate him.
.... I am NEVER EVER drinking water outside my house or drinking bottled water. IF any you bastards get a skin eating virus- STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME OR I GuNNA'CUT YOUR ASS.


Just watched Cabin feaver. Sweet jesus cakes its funny scarry and on the list of " stupid movies you should watch allong with those other crappy movies. " It wasnt bad, but it wasnt good, and it had some funny parts near the end.



makes me never want to go camping :(






Got LoTR tickets for showing on the 17th at yelms movie place. should be good :D

December 13, 2003

1. Michael Moore is a fucking jackass who's idea of " debate " is knocking on someone's door at 4am in the morning and when they, disgruntled - decide to yell at him and slam the door in his face / cuts the video footage to look like they were, in fact, just reacting to " HEY DO YOU THINK THAT STARVING CHILDREN IN BOSWANIA SHOULD BE LEFT TO ROT IN THE STREETS WHERE PIGEONS FEAST ON THEIR EYEBALLS? " -- his documentary which won awards " Bowling for Columbine " didn't even fell like a fuckin' documentary, more of a propoganda film. Also : he is fat. Jimmoi should make a documentary about how fat people are fat, and the world would be a better place if we started a new national socialism government but instead of "the jewish problem" it would be "the obecity problem"

2. FUCK BUBBA HOTEP. THIS MOVIE WILL BE THE BEST CINEMATIC EVENT IN ALL OF HISTORY. OMG OMG OMG.
So explain: Why do you hate Moore?

Have you:
A) Read one of his books?
B) Seen one of his movies?
C) Heard him speak (anywhere but the Oscars)?
D) Gained any knowledge about his views/ideas aside from the badly slanted media coverage of the aforementioned Oscar fiasco?

December 12, 2003

fun thing to do:
Go to google. type in miserable failure. click on "i'm feeling luck."
neeto.
another fun one is typing "french military victories"

anywho. i post in binary now.

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"It's some sort of bubba ho-tep."
-LINK-

i hate michael moore. but this is funny.

the one is just cool. -Another Link-

im bored obviously.

final link: CLICKITY CLACK-

December 11, 2003

_FUNZO_
link. awesome/ 11 minutes. the guy is a god. im sure most of you have seen this, but im way out of the loooope.
anywho. watch it. it gets better. a god.

December 10, 2003

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

>a half-gallon of 2% milk
>a carton of eggs
>a quart of orange juice
>a head of romaine lettuce
>a 2 lb. can of coffee
>and a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated,

"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,

"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did
you know that?"

The drunk replied , "Cause you're ugly."

December 09, 2003

DOOOIT!!! CLICK ON MEEE!!!

u want to go home for christmas and see that movie dammit.
i have nothing else to post really.
[Jeff's Pity List #3]

Yeeup, it's that time again kiddies... time for another edition of the Pity List, as I list another person who should be Pitied for the pathetic pieces of crap that they are.

Well, this time, the foo to be a'pitying isn't one person... not even two... but three foo's to be pitied. And those fools are the cast of the News Show: "Good Day Live": Steve, Dorothy, and Jillian.

Now we all know and have come to love with a pinch o' hate the news programs that we see on Q13 Fox. And as for Jimmy, I'm sure he has some Alaskan Q13 Fox... probably with anchors that are also Frozen Hotties of the Tundra, or whatever he calls it...

... and we know just how much the news anchors on that news show sucks. We know how much I hate them. We know that rabbits on crack could do a more accurate job of reporting the news... and we know that there can be no worse news program on Earth.

WE ARE WRONG.

For the forces of evil and vileness have decided that the toxic waste of reporting put forth by Fox and Geraldo was just not enough. Now they have the program: Good Day Live.

Consider it a mix between the Fifth Wheel (if any of you have ever seen it) and Q13 Fox. The show is hosted by an old man named Steve Edwards, along with his blonde sexy co-hosts Dorothy Lucey and Jillian Barberie... both of who i would really call all that sexy. Okay okay, MAYBE Dorothy Lucey is sorta hot... but the moment her personality and lack of intellect shine through, she loses the sorta hotness and just becomes annoying.

First lets start with Mr. Steve Edwards. This guy... you have to admit has something going on for him. He's probably 90 years old... okay maybe he's not that old... but still... he's an old man who prolly has a viagra-pump hooked directly into his heart, hosting a show along side two women who are young enough to be his daughters. He tries to act cool and hip, and the scary thing is that if it weren't for his obvious age, he could probably actually pull it off.

So what's the problem with this? HE'S A NEWS ANCHOR! You aren't really supposed to be cool when you host the news. It's not in the job description for a reason. Be charming, fine. Be warm, fine. Be attractive, fine. But you're not supposed to be cool. If you're cool, then your not an unbiased or reliable source of information. Cool ? Reliable! How often do we have to learn this lesson people?!

After good ol' Steve Edwards, let's take it up a notch. Dorothy Lucey. Now, to be honest, I don't really know much about her, because of the three of them, she's the most tolerable. My remarks earlier were probably a bit harsh, but deserved since she's decided to cast her lot with these two other rejects. She's got the looks to be a good journalist: i.e. attractive and yet professional looking. Too bad that's all she's got. She at least makes the good sense judgement to remain fairly quiet on the program - at least during the few times i've seen this godforsaken show.

And then there was Jillian Barberie. Let me point out one highlight which should make it obvious why she should not be anchoring for a news program: Barberie’s talent beyond Good Day LA has earned her special appearances on various television shows. She has a recurring role as “Foxy Levin” on V.I.P. with Pamela Anderson. That was taking from her bio on the official site. FROM HER BIO!? OOooooh, aren't we special... we played a blonde bimbo on a show with PAMELA ANDERSON!! And she is now anchoring for the NEWS?! C'mon people? We might as get Carrot Top to start doing the traffic reports!

You should see this trio in action on the news. Barberie is loud and annoying and makes stupid jokes, like those seen on her "eX-treme dating" show... I sat through one of those shows... and let me tell you that along with Mi-2, that was a complete waste of my life that i'll never get back... Damn, why can't there be any good late night tv shows.

The worse thing is that supposedly this show is spreading across the US like locusts. Apparenty they started in a small town and have since grown to being show in cities all over the US. Thus, if Jimmy isn't seeing it yet in Alaska, it's only a matter of time before they hook a cable up to a moose for better reception and get this show tuned in. Oh Jimmy, I betcha can't wait.

Why oh why is this crap on TV?! Pity these people... for they must be pitied... and pitied soon.

Oh, i suppose for good measure, i should put up a link to their site...

but i won't. HAHAHAHA... oh here, http://www.gooddaylive.com

It's not a link, because I didn't want to make it a link. You lazy bastards will have to copy and paste if you want it. If not... believe me, you're not missing much.
oh fuckin' shit.
Bruce Campbell as Elvis
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

oh fuckin' shit shit shit.
gawd damn I'm going to have to see that movie.

NOW PLAYING IN SEATTLE WASHINGTON?!
who wants to go on a road trip?
dear jesus.
i about shit myself.


CLICK ON ME

go watch this trailer. its gonna be awesome.
You gotta love people who make threats online.

It's even better when they don't get the fucking joke.

But since no one visits this board, it must be one of you guys....

December 08, 2003

so gilliam's new film is complete. nicole kidman and robin williams who were suppose to be in it are replaced with uma thurman and some polish actor. anywho-the movie is called Brothers Grimm and im too lazy to actually post the link to it on IMDB.

Also: Matt Damon, who is also in the new Gilliam film will be in Bourne Supremecy. I guess he just finished filming that too. yay. so hope is in me for movies next year.

also-i did not knwo this, but Peter Jackson's first film was Meet the Feebles. good movie. wow. too bad his making the remake of King Kong.

i need to take a shit, but i cant b/c of the freakin exercise and with my luck, i try to pinch one out Alarm Blue will go off (chemical attack). yea.

anyway. i hope you all eat a lot of bacon and die of heart diesease.
Reveal truth ised the.


hmm.

The reveal is truthed.
( changed link, pussies )
The truth is revealed.

December 07, 2003

The Lessarm Home.

volunteering to go to the desert. after watching one too many episodes of BAND OF BRUTHAS - which in fact is actually band of brothers but throughout the whole show I enjoyed thinking of it being bruthas and all of the main characters being black people and saying things like " SNIPER ON THE ROOF, NIGGA " and " I GOT YO BACK " and introducing eachother from where they are from with names like " Compton " and " South Bronx " and eating government chicken and watermellon - however I digress.

As to my insinuation as to running to the military like a little schoolboy who gets picked on everyday and then runs home to mommy and cries and then his father ( the US MILITARY ) comes out and lays down the law on the boy and beats his ass blue ... shit I'm going off topic again. We'll deal with something simple. Movie Reviews.

- Twenty one grams -

in this film you'll find yourself, for the first half of the film, confused on what exactly is going on with the 'timeline' of the film. Initially I thought that it was going in reverse - like memento : but around halfway through the film you realise that it is just 'chopped up' like pulp fiction - only not as good. Benicio del Toro plays an ex-con who crossed-over. Some of his lines about Jesus, God, and Faith are lines that will forever haunt my memory - and he does a most excellent job of acting them out. I actually have heard rumors of Academy nominations floating around in the air. Some girl's husband and children dies and she becomes a widow - and man oh man is that god damned widow fuckin' hawt. Turns out she falls in love with this duder who isnt that good looking at all and throughout the whole film I kept thinking to myself " Ah man I am so much better looking than that guy, c'mon - you know your hawt widow ass is yearning for a good dickfuck, why not come over to my place " - but unfortunately I didnt speak those things outloud and only thought them - and also : the widow couldn't read minds so she never really did consider coming over. In any event : things happen in the movie, and it is really dramatic. In the long run it is a really good film if you want a real good 'reality' movie. If you wanted things to explode, chase scenes that drag on longer than ten minutes, or some sort *SUPER COOL ACTION* - skip it. If you want a movie that even made me feel ( if just a tiny bit ) remorse and sorrow for lives of other people, this movie is for you.

- Thirteen -

Imagine that you're a woman for an instant. And if you're already female, imagine that you're not the stupid fucking cunt that you are and imagine that you're some other woman that I'm about to describe to you. Imagine that you're in your thirties or fourties and you have a younger daughter who is, in what I like to call "Prime Insemenation Years", Thirteen years of age. Now imagine this bitch wants to be little miss popular and fit in with all the girls who sleep with black men. You're spending your time smoking cigarettes and trying to raise your child on your own - all the while trying to fuck some guy ... I don't know exactly what was going on because I was too busy having it play on fast forward x4. Let me tell you something about fast forward x4 - its twice as fast as x2, and you still get to hear the people talking while you watch the film. So you get a calvin/chipmunks effect. Throughout the whole film you get to watch some whiny little whore complain about the following things : not fitting in, what clothes she has to wear, her mother, her period, makeup, her little brother, blah blah blah blah. All of this until she meets some cool girl and steals a wallet from some old lady and they " GO SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!! " - where they buy six pairs of shoes a piece and she finally gets accepted into the cool club. The rest of the movie goes downhill because she doesn't get raped - finds solace in drugs, tries to commit suicide because her cool friend fucks some black man, and something something I dont know I didnt pay attention. If you are looking for a movie that'll waste a good part of your life that you can never get back, although is a good movie to say that you saw and that it really opened your eyes to the trials and tribulations in which a woman goes through at a young age so that you can get some bitch to suck your cock - it's a great movie. Shit. Maybe if you're a woman you could wear a strap-on and she can suck your plastic ( are they made of plastic? ) dong and you can call her a dirty slut, but then you'd have already been 13 and you could bond with her on an entirely different level than some man.

- Kill Bill VOLUME FUCKING ONE -

I'm going to say this here and now, anyone who says Kill Bill is better than Pulp Fiction is a " ITS NEW SO IT HAS TO BE BETTER " cuntbag who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the wall. Uma Thurman ( you'll notice she is in the writing credits ) was terribly miscast in this film. Of course, I am not an Uma Thurman fanboy who wants to bend her over sappy tree stumps. Lucy Liu, however - is one hot woman. I found her extremely attractive in Payback. Speaking of Payback, between the two of them ( Kill Bill or Payback ) - I'd rather watch Payback, I'm not exactly a Mel Gizzy fan but fuckin Lucy Liu is hot in that film too. Jesus fuckin' christ Lucy Liu is hot. Um, yeah. This film has action and swords. Speaking of swords . . .

- Azumi -

Now if you want some sword fighting action, this is your god damned film. Directed by Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura and shown with subtitles this movie is fucking badass. It has swords, it has blood, it has assassins and ninjas. It has poor innocent people being slaughtered by bandits with swords of doom and Azumi isn't that bad of a looker herself ( although definately not as good looking as Lucy Liu ) - in any event I saw this movie and thought to myself " This is the movie that Kill Bill attempted to emulate " - and it holds true to it's genre. Kitamura also did another film by the name of Versus, which I am most definately going to have to see.


Next up will be Scary Movie 3 and The Last Samurai.


HAAAAAAA

The Homeless Arm.

anywho. im going to try to get sent to "the desert" this summer. volunteer and such. i feel that i need to get away from everything. kill something. eat mres. get the whole military experience. also-i need to save money, and i figuare you aint got nothing to buy with all them bullets flyin' over your heeeed.

so im gonna see 21 grams after this exercise. Benicio. fuck yea.

JIMMOIS' TOP FIVE ACTORS:

Mel Gizzi
Bruce Wizzle
Benicio Del Toro
Johnny Depp
Hugh Jackman

yeeeup. i have to go poo.

December 06, 2003

The armless home

Top 10 Reasons to watch the 2003 Video Game Awards on Spike TV

10. Rey Mysterio fighting. (The one wrestler I've actually come to like, due to the nifty air-acrobatics)
9. Steve's burning desire to visit the MGM Grand in Las Vegas himself.
8. Lots of chicas in skimpy outfits.
7. Jenna Jameson announcing.
6. Politically incorrect humor.
5. A drunk, racist puppet.
4. Cool stage shows loosely tied to each award winner.
3. Cheerleaders cheering for each award, surrounding the screen-in-the-ground displaying each game.
2. The wives of previously said wrestlers interrupting the match..wrestling eachother...stripping eachother down to their bras and panties, and continuing to wrestle eachother.
1. Video games.


Top 2 Reasons to not watch the 2003 Video Game Awards on Spike TV
2. DMX on stage
1. You don't get Sp......see next list.

Top 1 Reasons you missed the first few minutes of the 2003 Video Game Awards on Spike TV
1. You were walking to your neighboors so you could borrow their cable.
Home the armless.
Arm the homeless.

December 05, 2003

I like blue.
21 grams. heard good things. you best write a review.
at least tell me how benicio did.
21 grams.
odd film.
my ear wont stop twitching.

so another arferce week another arferce exercise and with just two days back i got in trouble three times already. now, according to the huffster, im goign to have to "fight for my bacon."
why does coffee make you feel the need to shit?

i paid my phone and cable internet bill and replaced my powersupply and videocard so my computer should be online soon. UO time eh? it better be as fun as you fuckers say it is. i might be able to come down this christmas. it will be nice to celebrate the birth of my savior.
and no kiddies, im not going overly christian on you fuckers. i just think it would be good to be back. again. for christmas. yea.

my room got burned in a fire that happen to the room directly below me. the fire took out my bed, did some smoke damage, but the sprinkler systems actually saved most of my room. lucky me, Le took my teevee, fordyce was fixing my computer and my speakers were pushed in the kitchen ready to move into another dorm. so i lost nothing in the fire. i just have to live in the room across the hall. i finished moving all my shit there last night. like i said, everyone else had my stuff, so i just moved two things.

its seems like everytime im on leave fordyce is fixing my computer.

sanchez made the perfect copmpliation cd that he worked on from the day i left until two hours before my plane arrived. it was uber.

im typing merely cus im bored. i have nothing better to do. no werk during an exercise only when we're attacked, and we're on a "similated island" so no real attacks are made on us. im speaking in tounges to all of you now.

Jim Carey is making a new movie. Its based on the teevee show "The Six Million Dollar Man". it will be called the "6 Billion Dollar Man." infaltion. like the 1.29$ jumbo jacks. ive always thought they should either make a movie based on the GREEN HORNET (which they supposedly are w/ Jet Li as Kato) or CHiPs.

Question: the machines in TERMINATOR. Skynet. What wouyldve happened if they killed all the humans? IF machines are functions, than they were programed to do only one thing. To Kill. even if they had AI they would still have the programing. To Kill. I was talking about this with jeff, and i thought that they would have to create more humans. And i decided that the function of a human being was to fail. be imperfect. and of course the conversation trailed off and we started to think about the programmigm and the scripts that woudl go into the Function for jOe, but thats going off subject. I see myself as a function. ive actually always seen myself as one, and never heard anyone else really say it until i watched the big kahuna (which was a dissapointment btw). in the military this is more relevant. i guess thats why soilders commign back from war are always fucked up. They had a function. To kill. now, they have no function. format c:

welp. im done. like a loaf of bread.




December 02, 2003

Yeah...movie nitrous.
Everyone now equates all nitrous oxide with NOS (a brand name). It's like Kleenex.

But the way they show nitrous in the movies - pure crap.

I'll have to get my bottle filled and show you guys what it's really like. Sure, its a nice hand-of-god acceleration compared to what you get without it, but for the kind of money the movie cars have sunk in to them, there are much better ways of going fast.

Not to mention, NOS is only good for drag racing. Straight lines. No where do people actually road race (that is, go around corners) with nitrous.
[Jeff's Pity List #2]

Now, I know you were all thinking that the next person on my list would be Nelly...

And in truth, it was supposed to be, but that got messed up because I decided he was a special case to be focused on.

So instead, the next person on the Pity List will be none other than Mr. Fast and Furious himself: Paul Walker.

"Paul Walker", you ask... "Why Paul Walker?"

Well, watch JOY RIDE, and then you'll have yourselves an answer... as if Fast and Furious and 2 Fast 2 Furious weren't bad enough.

First of all, let's talk about 2 Fast 2 Furious, as I always meant to talk about that piece of crap, but never got around to it.

How to start off... well first of all... 2 Fast 2 Furious already blows by removing the one actor who actually had some... resounance, in the first movie. Vin Diesel.

With him gone, your left with Paul Walker. Oh, and that other black guy... I don't remember his name. I think it was Tyrese... but I don't really remember, nor do I give a crap.

So the movie starts off with a street race, which is appropriate enough I suppose, since the movie is about illegal street racing...

and the illegal street race, which i must point out at this point must be being hosted by Bill Gates, because these people all have suped-up cars... like... I know people who street race want nice cars... i understand that. I sympathize with that... but these cars... had so much work done to them, that you have to wonder what these people do for a living to be able to afford it - and this question will come again in a second.

So Paul Walker strolls in... er, drives in... err... fast and furiously flies in with his car, and the race starts...

... and the movie takes a downhill plunge from that point on.

During the race, they seem to find all the back streets throughout Miami that have absolutely no other cars, no other cops, no other pedestrians... AT ALL. I know it's late at night... but walk around any city, ANY WHERE, and there will be SOMEBODY... SOME CAR... around. But not in the FAST AND FURIOUS city of MIAMI... WHOOOSH!

I mean... they are driving everywhere, taking turns... all that good stuff. Now at least in the first movie, they kept it to a straight-away. For illegal street racing, that just makes more sense. Well, with Vin Diesel gone, that small shred of common sense went with him.

Then during the race comes the NOS. We all remember NOS, don't we kiddies? Well, they sure do. Bam! It's NOS time... which translates to... Bam! It's WARP SPEED TIME!

Seriously. Once you hit the NOS, the surrounding environment becomes lots of tiny little blurs and you begin to travel the speed of light. Hah Einstein, your little theory of realitivity didn't take into account for NOS, did it?! Didn't think so.

Well, there are so many other bad points to this movie that I should really continue this review in a separate post, something titled, the truth about NOS... VROOOM!

Plus it's getting off topic... about how Paul Walker is a horrid actor and a horrid human being, and we should pity him for his patheticness.

Now he's making Timeline. I can only imagine how horrible he's gonna muck that up. I bet he travels back in time... fastly and furiously.

At least one thing is good. He turned down the offer to be Superman for the next Superman movie. One reason... he didn't want to tarnish his reputation cause he wants to make lots of money. (Too late there asshole!) His second reason... he thought Aquaman was better than Superman.

Fuck you Walker! I'm not a die-hard fan of Superman... but AQUAMAN?! What the hell? For the longest time Aquaman was a little pansy sea-version of Superman. If you thought Superman was a boyscout... then AQUAMAN was the gay boy-scout leader. Then DC decides to up the ante by makin' him edgier with that hook for a hand. Yeah... and giving him long hair. Yeah... that really works... real FAST AND FURIOUS! AQUAMAN. I was hoping he would have said Batman... or Wolverine... or even BIRDMAN. BIRDMAN beats AQUAMAN. That's how sad AQUAMAN is. Oh, I can communicate with Dolphins...

Now, don't get me wrong, I like Dolphins enough. Smart creatures and all... but when you're fighting DarkSeid or some hostile alien force, you tell me how a fuckin' Dolphin or Shark is going to help you.

AQUAMAN: Must fight flying saucer... but too weak... must call on the Dolphins...
~Dolphins... attack flying saucer for me... jump... jump high...~
DOLPHIN: ~I hate you AQUAMAN. Slave-master Bastard~

I hope, in all honesty, that they decide to make a movie about AQUAMAN, so that Paul Walker will play the role, and this way the world will see just how much both Paul Walker AND Aquaman suck. And this time Paul Walker will suck underwater, instead of on the streets of mythical Miami, a city so happenin' and lively, that people apparently go to sleep once the sun goes down, to make room for the thousands and thousands of rich street racers, led by Ludacris (which i have to say, was the only redeemable character in the movie).

I hate you Paul Walker. I hate you, and I Pity You.
Vern Fonk, baby!

Seriously though, an 18-24 year old single male with that kind of record isn't going to find cheap insurance.

...

You probably have food poisoning, not the flu. Influenza doesn't hit that suddenly, and doesn't cause massive gastrointestinal upset.

December 01, 2003

Well it seems flu season is offically here...seeing as how it knocked me on my ass last night.
Funny you should mention Sharis because thats where the onset of it all became horribly obvious when i became violently ill in the bathroom after eating a ceasar salad and half a french dip. Man what with the chills that followed and the muscle ache youd think that i was a recovering heroin addict.

Hey does anyone know of any companies where a guy with 2 accidents and a moving violation to his name can get decent insurance?