December 31, 2006

December 02, 2006

Oh, my!

Fun stuff. I never have anything fun to post, but now I do!!!

So I went to Safeway and convinced a cashier that there was a local bear problem. It was so much fun! The conversation went something like this.

Me: So, have you had much of a bear problem?
Him: What?
Me: Have you had any bears in the store?
Him: Not that I've heard. . why?
Me: The weather - all this rain has damaged the vegetation in the forests, and so bears are comingout of the woods to look for food. There have been some issues with them coming into grocery stores.
Him: No! I haven't heard that.
Me: (increduously) Don't you watch the news? It's been all over Komo 4.
Him: No, I haven't. . I don't think we'd have that problem here. . .
Me: Well, I just figured being so close to capital forrest and all. . .

So, reading it here is lame and not nearly so fun. . but I totally had this poor idiot believing that a bear might come into Safeway and get him by the end of it. So now, I'm telling everyone I know to talk about the bear problems if you happen to be in the Yelm HIghway Safeway in Lacey. Gotta keep the story alive if I really want this kid to freak out! Yeah.

November 16, 2006

My Civic Duty... yeah... something like that

Seattle City Hall
Originally uploaded by NONfinis.
So I'm now on my second day of jury duty... which isn't really jury duty, but more of just showing up and waiting for something to happen. Apparently as a citizen of Seattle you are required, if asked, to serve two full days of jury duty. Most often is seems like all you do is sit around and wait for them to call your name, and then wait some more. If you're lucky, you'll eventually end up in front of a judge waiting to most likely be dismissed. I haven't reached that point yet, but I did get to see the prosecution and the defense.

Interesting stuff, this jury duty and civil service. Yeah. It's not really bad though, and my job is paying for my time off. If I get selected, I might even serve until the end of November.

Sweet potato pie.

By the way, the picture is not of the court-house. It is, however, of City Hall. I considered taking a picture of the courthouse inside, but I don't know if they'd like that. And yesterday Seattle was going through what could only be described as the second coming of Noah... that bearded bas-- you know what, nevermind. I've already racked up enough anti-heaven points, and if God doesn't have a sense of human, I'm severely fucked.

But yeah, civic duty. Interesting stuff. I just wish I had had the chance to grab breakfast this morning because I'm fuckin' hungry now.


October 29, 2006

23 acres of good ol' Roy livin'

So I found this when I did a search in YouTube for "Roy Washington." I hadn't expected to find anything. I really hadn't. I really hadn't wanted to. So imagine my fright upon seeing that someone was actually putting Roy on the map, so to speak. You know James, you should consider buying some of this land, so you can continue with your so-called experiments. Which I haven't forgotten about. My operatives, mostly Mr. Wappler, have provided me with hard-drives full of information that I am currently pouring through. I am convinced that when I am done, I will have the truth behind your nefarious deeds.

So yeah... I enlisted.

I enlisted in the Peace Corps. Is it just me or does the word volunteer no longer mean what I thought.... it is actually going to cost me more to join the peace corps than it would to just stay working. I have more medical tests and dental stuff to do to actually be accepted as a volunteer than most people will go through joining the military. I didn't have to go through this much stuff when I enlisted in the air force... so wonder why they need more tests for volunteers? Seems like a way to weed out the crazys perhaps? So now I am looking at some extensive dental work, a whole lot of blood tests, a full physical, eye exam, and a fun appointment with my favorite doctor... my gyno. Luck me. (I know you really love that image dont you?) But the good news is that I now know my approximate leave date, and geographical region. I will be in eastern europe in august of 2007 (as long as I pass the medical reviews) and I will be gone for 27 months. Doing something with my PR degree. I'm hoping for the Ukraine or Romania....

October 26, 2006


Nick bradbury
Originally uploaded by l0ckergn0me.
Being bored, I was randomly typing in names on the Series-of-Tubes when I found this guy.

I found him after typing "Nick Bradbury".

That's right Bradbury... someone is impersonating you. I suggest Jack Bauering him. But that's just my solution.

Oh and James, I have not forgotten about you. I have my associate (Wappler and Co.) looking into this so-called device of yours. We'll see what is really going on. I highly doubt it's this miracle time machine you are trying to peddle.

Experiments in Standard Variable Space Manipulation and Time Distortion Fields

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff. As much as you’d like to think that I’m out here in Roy doing absolutely nothing productive with my time it would figure that you are absolutely wrong in such a conclusion. Absolutely. For example, I have just recently finished my first prototype with my hand-held trans-dimensional space-time (TDST) manipulator and have been doing some test studies on it.

And here you thought Roy was just full of cows and hicks – had you seen a little show by the name of Eureka on the Sci Fi channel, you’d know that’s exactly what everyone here wants you to think. Turns out, Roy is a hotbed of abstract scientific studies and there is a large lab deep underground the town where multitudes of experiments are held.

Once I found out about that, I quickly filled out forms to see if I could get this made. . .

And while it may not look like much, I assure you – there is a whole lot more going on in the inside. I’ve disguised it as nothing more than a portable keyboard connected to a dvd remote, but to the professionally trained eye, it is obviously not.

I've placed letters on the image to help me define what each piece is. (A) is the prompt selector, where you type in exactly what you want moved, and where/when you want it moved to. (B) is a highly volatile connectivity cord which I cannot fully disclose the material used to transfer data, but considering that we're dealing with metaphysical transmutations and space-time, you can certainly imagine that its potent stuff. (C) is the real meat of the prototype; it houses the space-folding drive, permutation calculator, and a few other gadgets and trinkets which I also cannot disclose at this time (Competitors you know)

I can, however, show you this quick-and easy test run I did at home on a glass table. On January 26, at approximately this hour in the morning, I took a photo of my glass table. I had made sure to completely clear off the table before taking the photo. Today, at roughly 10:44am, I cleared off that same table and placed a roll of toilet paper on it. Making sure to note that it was situated on the left side of the table. Then I fired up the TDST manipulator and put in the following information: 1. Roll of toilet paper on glass table. 2. Move// Approximately 1 foot to the right 3. Time// 9 months prior. Now at the time that I took the photo, remember that the table was cleared off.

Once I activated the TDST manipulator, here is that VERY SAME PHOTOGRAPH. Be sure to make note of the time stamp, that is very important. So you see, Mr. College Grad Fancy Dancy Jeff Paulino Smarty Pants Know it All ... I'm not just sitting on my ass doing nothing productive after all. Some of us are actually pioneering hardware in previously unexplored venues of space/time travel. Who knows, maybe this prototype will lead the world to a golden age of transportation where fossil fuels, or fuels in general are practically obsolete. Huh, you ever thought of that! DID YOU! NO I DIDN'T THINK YOU DID!


October 25, 2006

Socialize the Bunny

Lemon Wedge
Originally uploaded by NONfinis.
Living around a college campus, you begin to notice just how much people drink as a way of socializing. (Which, given that, I would have expected more bars around the UW.)

When I was actually attending the UW, I didn't do that much drinking. Not at bars anyway. Hell, I bet James and Jimmy and the rest of them probably did more of that then I did.

Plus I wasn't a big fan of the whole "smoke in bars" thing. (Sucks to be you Jimmy.)

Of course, now you can't smoke in bars and I've been to a few. It's fun to watch everyone. I participate, sure enough, but the psychologist in me still people-watches. Especially fun is watching the annoying frat guys who hit on the obnoxious slutty girls. (There's an accident waiting to happen... an accident they'll probably name Joe or Mandy, or whatever the most popular boy/girl names are these days.)

We need to go drinking sometimes. Yes, that's what this post is making me think. I haven't hung out with many of you in a long time, nor have I shared a drink with you guys in awhile.

Of course, once again, you pieces of crap don't bother to actually read the board. Or write. Or at least read.

I will punch you all in the neck.

Contrary to what you might be thinking, I was not drinking at the time of this post.

October 19, 2006

You Really Aren't that Funny

Birthday Drink
Originally uploaded by NONfinis.
Alcohol is an interesting thing, especially when it clouds judgements and makes you think your funny.

Maybe that's when it's more annoying. I can deal with people who became abrasive or stupid. That's fine. They were probably that way to begin with.

But the ones that thing they are funny when they get drunk? No. Or the ones that think that they are great conversationalists and whatever they have to say is the most important thing in the world to say.

Yes... not a big fan of those types either.

I'd prefer to punch them in the neck, if possible.

Thankfully, I don't get that way when I drink. I... well I don't know how I get... Truthful. I think that's it.

Oh, and I get very good at pool.

Like Jack-Bauer good.

October 18, 2006

Gettin' to Know the Peeps

Weird Superhero Guy
Originally uploaded by NONfinis.
Yeah... I really have to wonder if this guy is the lamest superhero of all time. I mean... my understanding is he is supposed to be some sort of Garbage-Man superhero type. They gave him a strong-man body suit and Oakleys.


Honestly. His super-power is picking up after my crap. Seems like a super-weakeness to me. He's a glorified janitor. Not to knock janitors, as they were probably some of the smartest people at Bethel. (Sad for Bethel really.)

I really wish this guy was David Sanders. Man do I wish that. But no, I'm sure that fucker's probably living on the beach and has five houses all across the country.

Stupid Tiger Woods wannabe...

Where was I going with this post?

Uhm... kids, stay in school?

October 11, 2006

Almost Famous

In order to spread democracy...



I'm spreading something...

I present this guy:

I can guarantee that this guy has probably never appeared on the Series of Tubes before. Not a once. So shine on homeless guy asking for change. Shine on and welcome to your fifteen minutes of fame.

And if you ever want to meet him, I usually see him around 3rd and Seneca in downtown Seattle.

Just a warning... he might ask you for change.

October 08, 2006

Doesn't He Look Familiar?

So a couple of weeks ago (and by weeks, I meant months, but I was too lazy to hit the backspace key a few times and type in months, and so instead I've written all of this out), I was walking around Downtown Seattle when they had their immigration rally.

There were a lot of hispanic/mexican peoples out there.

At the front of the Federal Building were all sorts of protestors. Protestors protesting the immigrants. Protestors protesting for immigration. Protestors protesting the ones protesting immigrants...

And then there were the Nazi's.

I know they exist and all, but you still never expect to see them. But there they were, the Nazi's.

So I snapped a few pictures and I thought to myself...

... this guy looks familiar:

It occurs to me... doesn't he look like a Nazi-version of Steven Segal? Doesn't he? Just a little?

October 05, 2006

Can't You Just See It?

I was perusing through my growing collection of pictures, and I found this one:

Can't you just imagine him as a cranky old man yelling at kids to stay away from his garden...

Only instead of a garden, it would be some sort of lawn ornament shaped from the broken computer parts that have inhabited his life? And a dog running around the pile.

October 02, 2006

Aren't people soooo nice?

Yeah, so I went to dinner with a friend last night. While eating, my truck was broken into and the stereo stolen, along with my ipod, my old cell phone, and a brand new pair of underwear I just bought at Victorias Secret. Sadly, the part I am actually upset about is the undewear... they were brand new!! I didn't even get to wear them first. Although they probably wouldn't have been stolen if I had worn them first... that would be gross. Everyone keeps saying to use my insurance, but the problem is that I have a $500 deductible. Meaning that the value of the shit in my truck was less than $500 (or right about that amount) so I would have to pay for it anyway. The good news is that I just bought a new cell phone (that LG Chocolate) that can do mp3's so I don't have to worry about the ipod or the phone being stolen. But I can't wear a phone for underwear, so I'm out $15 on those. And the truck stereo was a POS that I had bought to replace the last stolen one... so it was only worth about $35 bucks. It still sucks.

September 28, 2006

June 6th was a Monday.

Dear jEFF:

Your old pics on the June 6th post don't work, and I want to see them. I want to create a "People I know" chart, too!!!

September 27, 2006

Time Travel, on the Cheap

I haven't been down to Tacoma in awhile. Or Roy, if you want to be specific.

Fuckin' Roy.

You know, Roy should be considered the Most Vile Thing Imaginable, because it is. I don't care what you say, it is. When I do a movie or short video clip series on the shittiest places to live, Roy will be at the top of my list. Or I'll make a photobook about it.

But I'm getting mildly off-topic.

Not that there really was a topic to begin with.

I haven't been to Roy in awhile. The last time I was tehre was sometime in July. I was there because I had to go down to the American Lake VA Hospital to meet with a patient. While I was there, I stayed at the Collins' House. That because everyone stays there.

It's an unwritten rule. If you are traveling to Roy, you stay there.

It's the place that time sort of just forgot. Or really never cared about. If you want to remember the old times, go stop by.

I feel like I could have been hit with a break five years ago, and only just woken up and I'd think that it was still 2001. It's comforting to me. In the event of some sort of world-wide apocalypse, I might go there to die, choosing to die in the comfort of the familiar.

Unless I'm hookin' up with Natalie Portman... then I KNOW where I'm dying.

For those of you who also haven't made the pilgrimage lately, here's a little reach-back:

Just watch, in ten years, I'll go back and take a picture and it will look the same, except instead of an Xbox on the ground, it will be the Xbox 1080 or something like that.

You know it's true. You know it.

Cooler than Stephanie.

Man, yesterday was the best day ever! Dr. Jekyll came over for coffee and the best damn cake ever, and then went to go see Little Miss Sunshine. Choice quotes for the evening:

"So, I just drinked my shot down."
"Josie is weilding a knife at the bee!"
"Do you have to ge married for us to host a bridal luncheon?"
"There are two types of people in this world. . ."

Next time is highly anticipated. I fixed my camera (finally!) like, 2 minutes after she left, so pictures will be posted when we have more cake. Or popcicles. Mwahaha.

Checking In

So as to not have people assume that I'm not checking the board and working on stuff... I provide you with my filler post.

See... what a great filler post this is.

Secondly, I should kill you both for assaulting my retinas with that... My God... My... it hurts to remember it.

I don't think I could offer something as visually disturbing as both of those images. I don't think I have the willpower to look for something so visually assaulting. So there you go, you win on the visuals.

Of course, I've actually run into people that look like that. Namely my horrible Chunky Beef neighbor below, who continues to harass my friends about the outdoor cat. I'm going to have to Bauer her soon... or at least take lots of pictures of her with a wide-angle lens and run an expose on her.

How I hate her.

It seems like every year or every couple of years I have that one person that I just cannot stand for the life of me and I spend several moments plotting ways to destroy them. I'm not sure why of this... probably some broken childhood problem lurking in the shadows.

So this concludes Filler Post. I'll have something better later. When I feel motivated. Yeah... motivated.

September 25, 2006

Another submission for the Most Vile Thing Imaginable!

Oh, I wouldn't?

I love you, RaechelleLaRee, and I would love you even if there was a goat available.

September 22, 2006

September 19, 2006

Let me preface this by first saying that yes I do have a significant phobia of germs. That being said, I can also establish that my phobia of germs goes hand in hand with my dislike for public restrooms. Although I am not as bad as "shit brick," I have on many occasions opted to hold my need out of fear of contamination.

My darling Heather has posed that when addressed by the very adorable Dane Cook, that the public facility is some sort of laughing matter. I on the other hand would like to offer Exhibit A as my first example of why the public facility is one of the most vile things imaginable:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Aww yes, and let us not forget the reason I have lost sleep on many nights. The idea that when you need to go to the bathroom, and you open the stall and view a horror like this...
My worst nightmare come true:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lest we not forget the things men must endure... at least you can stand and not have to touch it... although looking at it would get me bad enough not to go...

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Finally, I must note that there is a good reason why I do not like to touch the door/objects in a public restroom. See here what I see in my head every time:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Tell me you have something more vile than this? I think not.

My offering for "the most vile thing ever"

I believe i have found something much more vile than yours heather dear....

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Natural Reaction

Congratulations... now I really do know what it's like to throw up in one's mouth.


Very pleasant.

September 18, 2006

I would like to offer up a submission for. . .

The Most Vile Thing Imaginable!!!

This is a picture from my private collection of thinspiration. I'm a fat bitch, but I am not yet this fat; so I look at this picture whenever I have the desire to eat comething that is going to make me this fat. Has anyone else lost their appetite yet?

{edit. . } I totally just noticed that the Chunky Beef on the far left is copping a totally unsexy feel on the lard ass in green. I hope that jEFF isn't masturbating too furiously to this one! {edit competed}

Been a while....

*takes a look around and realizes not much has changed around here other than the layout*

thanks for the invite back again ;) its always appreciated to feel welcome somewhere... sadly I have missed this place a little. the old blogs are nostalgic to say the least...

September 15, 2006

I Very Badly Want to Punch Someone in the Neck

I try to get to work at 8.

About 1/3 of the time to 2/3 of the time, I don't.

About 1/3 of that time, it's my fault. Maybe 1/4 of that time.

The rest of the time, there is some universal balancing act that works in such a way that I cannot make it to work until about 8:26.

Most of the time, it's the metro system's fault. Today for example, the bus was late. Again. Go figure. You'd think that I would just wake up early.

Fuck that. I barely get enough sleep as it is. And this night I actually had slept well enough that I could wake up early or at least on time. But the bus had to be late.

Today's fiasco though, had nothing to do with the bus. Well, maybe it did in that I arrived when I did because of the bus. But as I get off the bus, to cross the crosswalk, I entered the twilight zone.

I look up, see the white man glowing, I look down and start crossing. And sure enough, I get pulled over by a motor-bike cop. Because when I looked down, it started flashing. Maybe it started flashing before I even looked down and I'm remembering it wrong. It doesn't really matter, because in the end, it had JUST STARTED FLASHING.

And guess what... apparently it is against the law to cross when the hand starts flashing. I didn't know that! Did you? (I automatically hate you if you did.) I always thought of it as a yellow light... you can still make it. And since it had just started to flash, I don't even see the harm in it anyway. And the cop was sitting right there... would I have purposely jay-walked in front of a cop if I had known that was a crime?

Look at this buffaloshit. Look. $46 because I was fast enough, and fit enough, to cross a short crosswalk with a just-started-to-flash hand. No posted rules about the crosswalk either. I asked about that, to which the cop replied, "it's on the web". What if I don't have a computer? (Ignoring that I'm posting this on one...). "Oh, it's in the library too..."

Because I have the time to spend my off-time in a library hunting arbitrary cross-walk rules?!

If you don't want some to walk across a crosswalk sign... don't flash the fucking sign. Blast that light with a million megawatts of electricity. Afraid someone will be caught in the middle... here's a solution. Don't change the car's light green for 15 seconds.

Honestly. I don't even care if you have a fuckin' hand-flasher or not... whatever the rule is... POST IT SOMEWHERE FOR SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY READ.

I'm not mad at the cop... he's just enforcing a rule because he's supposed to. I'm mad at the idiots who put this rule into place and then decided not to tell anyone about it. I certainly don't remember this rule in any driver's ed class I took.

So now I get to take time out of my schedule to contest a fuckin' ticket!? Oh, and the kicker... as I'm being written a ticket for jay-walking... two morons actually do jay-walk across a busy street.

Today is not a day to cross me.

September 14, 2006

Things on Motherfuckin' Things!


I haven't posted in awhile. But, unlike you bastards, I am posting. Do you know why? Because I care. Never let it be said that Jeff Bauer does not care. It's Bauer jack-asses. As soon as a save up the amount of money it takes, I'm changing my last name. I'm done with that weak other last name. It has done nothing but kept me down in life.

So that's right. New Jeff. And not that Phej crap either.

I went to Boston a couple of weekends ago... as some of you know. My true friends know that at least. The rest of you just suck. Suck like Chunky Beef kind of suck. (Which reminds me, if any of you see Mr. Parr, punch him in the neck and then take his picture so I can post him as another Chunky Beef.)

Now then... where was I...

Oh yeah, so Boston. (By the way, nobody calls it Bean-Town there... well nobody I talked to anyway. They did have a pub named Bean-Town pub though...)

I didn't eat there. It looked too East Coast for my West Coast blood. Didn't want to cap some foo's or anything either.

My trip to Boston also marked the first time I have ever flown (since being a wee baby - and that doesn't count). And wouldn't you know it...

There were Snakes on my Motherfuckin' Plane!

Okay... so there was only one snake. And okay... so it was rubber.


But I still Bauer'd that snake good.


This is why you all don't read this site anymore... isn't it?

September 12, 2006

Meanwhile, does anyone know how to invite someone here? Raechelle wants back in.

August 07, 2006

Car Collectin' Crazies: Volume 1

It gets harder and harder each day to spot a Chunky Beef. Perhaps that's a good thing and people are starting to actually think of their health. Unfortunately, it makes for long periods of no posts.

My apologies for that.

But lo-and-behold just as I thought the world was getting to be a bit saner... I stumbled onto something I hadn't seen in a good six years:

Puh...puh...puhlease mistah... can't I have just one...)

Yeah... that's right. Car Collectors.

The bane of my existence. Well, them along with...

  • Wallabies

  • Britney Spears

  • Tim Eyman

  • Tom Cruise


  • Snakes on a plane (because I wanted to cash in on that internet phenomenon as well

  • Queen Chunky Beef that lives downstairs in my house's basement

So I've decided to let that guy above kick-start this fun new segment: Car Collectin' Crazies.

Let's take a look at the specimen above. You can't see him from the front... that's because it's dangerous to stare at a car collector in the face. If you do, you run the risk of catching their vile disease and you too may start living at home with your parents at the tender age of 42.

You may also start to smell, reeking of desperation and Doritos (specifically the Nacho Cheese Doritos). Or corn-nuts. Or feces.

Probably feces actually, as these unholy monstrocities have never known the love of a bar of soap.

What makes them so unholy? Simple. Do you see that little kid there? Well, that little kid probably wants nothing more than to pick up the latest cool Hot Wheels car... something shiny and in black probably. But what does this Car Collectin' Crazy want? Why he wants to hoard them all to himself like a real life Kingpin... selling them on eBay or Craigslist or wherever else he can pawn off his ill-gotten cars.

The one you see before you is actually one of the "Blenders" as I like to call them, because they ALMOST look human. Almost being the key word. If you look close enough, you begin to see the three day old pizza stains and couch fibers embedded on their skin from where they sleep on their parents couch for thirteen hours at a time.

You remember all those nightmares your parents would tell you at night that would happen to you if you were a bad boy or girl.

Well they exist.

And they shop in the Hot Wheels toy car aisle at your local department or toy store.

Bring the pitch forks.

July 21, 2006

Chunky Beef Alert: Bio-Mechanical Beef

Here's my problem.

There are good people in the world. There are bad people in the world. And then, then there are lazy jack-asses. Not the lazy-jackasses like Jimmy or James. I'm talking about the lazy jack-asses who get in my way, smell funny, and/or take advantage of things...

Things such as people in wheelchairs.

One of the biggest problems with this country is that people are getting unhealthier and unhealthier. For example, they get FAT and they SMOKE. Seriously. Pick one. I would say pick the one that doesn't offend me as much... and you would think that would be getting FAT, because smoking stinks...

But if you've rode a bus in any city, you'd realize that fat people seem to abhore soap. (Not all fat people, because some who are overweight are genetically so, or are so because of injury, and I do sympathize with them... but for all the others, this applies to you.) So I can put up with one or the other, but not both.

Or anything close to that. For some reason, I find it personally offensive when someone does something doubly-unhealthy (i.e. the smoking and the fatness). I also find it offensive when a person takes advantage of things that were clearly not meant for them.

Where is this rant going? Right... here:

Oh my God... they've gone mechanical.

Now, on first glance, you might think... "Great... Jeff's lost his mind and now he's picking on vets who can't walk... should have seen that comin'..."

And while it's true, mental stability is always a give and take with me... I haven't lost my senses...

This guy that you see... he can walk. I know because before this picture was taken, he used the wheelchair to rest his bag. Meanwhile, he walked around a bit and was sitting on the bench (taking up more space). Then when the bus rolls around, he gets into the wheelchair and holds his bag and wheels up to the bus. He did this so he could have his own FUCKING SEAT!

Yes. That's right. That's laziness. That's laziness that affects me. It affects me because it means he takes up a bunch of seats with his FUCKING wheelchair while people then have to stand. He does this because he's too lazy to hold his own bag. Now, he does have a cast... but he could still use crutches. And after seeing his behavior, I have to question whether the cast is a prop.

I dated a girl who's mom's legs were amputated. Now she needed a wheelchair. The great Biomechanical Chunk over here hardly does.

And I bet he smokes.

Smokey McBio Chunk.

June 24, 2006

Chunky Beef Alert: Queen Beef

I'm a nice guy.

It's true. I don't even have to try. I genuinely care about other people... their welfare... their happiness... there what-have-you. That's just the type of guy I am.

That's one of the prevailing reasons why I got into psychology. To help people in the best way that I can.

But don't cross me. It's just one of those lines.

Some of you may remember when I was foolishly nearly driven into driving into an oncoming car in high school. (Oh, who am I kdding. You sons-of-bitches don't even read this board anymore because you're too busy playing WoW or some other WoW-type equivalent. Bastards...)

Over the years, I have singled out people who have done so... or who I just don't like for whatever reasons I have: David Sanders. Tom Cruise. Alphabet Soup.

Well, I have a new one. And lo-and-behold, she makes the newest installment of:

Chunky Beef Alert!

The Queen walks with her drone... searching for the beef.

Meet the leader of all that is Chunky Beef. Queen Chunky Beef. Sure, she might not look like the biggest CB out there... but you don't have to be to be the leader. Rest assured, she could eat you. Whole.

Let me explain something to you. You do NOT call the Seattle Animal Shelter on me to complain about how my outdoor cat is going to die because it has no shelter when it does have a fuckin' shelter all because you don't like that he's an outdoor cat. Boo hoo Chunkizilla. If you were so worried about my cat's health, you wouldn't fuckin' smoke around my cat. Why don't you take a wet nap to your inner lungs before you come near my cat again. Hey, I know, if you are worried about shelter, why not liposuct some of your body fat and build him a little home from it.

With the amount you have, you could build him the Taj Mahal.

But I know this one... she didn't call the Seattle Animal Society because she was worried about the shelter... she called because I didn't want to lister to her go on and on about the various dangerous associated with living outdoors. Funny, how in the thousands of years before cats lived in houses, they seemed to do alright for themselves in the wild.

And you know, I'm not annoyed that she was worried about my cat. I'm annoyed that she tried to enforce her Whalrus will upon me behind my back, while puffing her smoke in my vacinity.

Some of you might remember my old rants about kangaroos. Well, be prepared... because Tubtastic here is my new focus.

June 21, 2006

An American Food

NOTE: I had to make this post quickly, because I was getting nightmares at seeing Chunky McSpears everytime I opened this site.

Remember when, during a picnic or barbeque, or ho-down for our country readers, there was that moment when the first hamburger was freshly grilled off the... well... grill.

I remember those moments. They are what makes summer barbeques great. Getting that burger. I preferred mine with a little bit of melted cheese. Oh, and some ketchup. Though lately I've moved on to mustard.

That's right, fuck you Heinz. German bastard. (German engineered bastard.)

There's something so delicious about those homemade burgers. And it's not like they cost much to make. Just a few patties, some buns, and your condiment of choice.

Sometimes though, we don't have time to make our own burgers, so we go to some place to have a burger. Like MacDonalds (eww.) or Wendys (less eww.) or Red Robin (variety of decent mixed with eww.). Of course, with these places, those burgers can increase in cost (Red Robin being the most expensive.)

I think a Red Robin burger costs like around 10 bucks, give or take. But hey, it can be worth it. (Jalepeno Burger, bitches!)

Well, following that logic, then THIS:

Fru Fru.

Has to be the most tasty burger on the muthafuckin' (source: Sam Jackson) planet.

This tasty-gem costs 100 dollars. NO... wait... actually, with tax and garnishes, it costs: $124.50.

(And, of course, you can only purchase this burger if you belong to an exclusive club where the membership is $40,000 with a $3,600 dollar yearly fee.)

Excuse me, while I...

There really is a sucker born every minute.

I'm sorry, but a $43,724.50 burger? Are you fuckin' out of your mind? Seriously? Gentle Jesus this is the stupidest thing I have heard of yet. (Aside from Carrot Top.) I mean... for fuck's sake... the only thing this solves is that people will be less likely to become Chunky Beef (see previous post below).

Of course, not to be outdone, Hickville, USA has come up with the anti-stupid expensive burger, by shoving as much crap as they can in it.

Introducing the Monster Thick Burger:

Look ma, it's Australia... no wait... that's just the type of food truckers named Mel eat...

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "Thank God someone has invented a way to subtly kill fat people."

Because that's what this thing does. At 1420 calories and 2740mg of sodium, this thing could stop the heart of a walrus.

At least we still have In-and-Out Burger.

June 20, 2006

Chunk Beef Alert: Celebrity Scaredown

I have to say, by and large, I've seen some very scary things in my time. Especially living in Seattle. Not so much because it's a scary city... rather a very tame city... but because when you group a large number of people together, there are always those odd ones that slip out and make themselves prominent. And I'm not saying the cool odd ones. Or the entertaining odd ones (see James Collins. But the odd ones that make you question humanity and beg for a quick and timely death (painless optional).

Humanity has a way of doing that. Sometimes you are immensely proud of it, and sometimes you shudder at the thought of being linked genetically with it.

And that harrowing thought brings me to tonights...

Chunky Beef Alert!

HAHAHAHAHAhahahahahah...-gasp, gasp-... HAHAHAHAHahahahahaha

Wow. You know, for years I hated Britney Spears for making me want to gouge my ears out every time her voice came over the radio... and then I felt a little sorry for her because she married White Trash on Legs. Now... wow. Wow. I mean... wow.

I mean, it's probably hard to remember back in the day... but THIS:

WAS Britney Spears.

So... Wow. I guess all I can say is, I feel a weird sense of pity mixed with uncontrollable laughter.

And the scariest part... she hasn't changed her dress style since her younger picture.

June 11, 2006

Chunky Beer Alert: Hospital Dangers!

I don't understand people. At least, not all people. And I don't understand how some things are structured.

Take, for example, how some hospitals have McDonald's built right into them. I mean, seriously?

What the fuck are you thinking?

The nearest I can figure is that it's an attempt to bring in repeat customers. Mr. Johnson, who has a heart-valve transplant because his heart is tired of pumping greasy burgers through his beaten up old veins, goes straight from his hospital bed down to the McDonald's and orders up a McHeart-Attack, SuperSized, of course... and bam, two weeks later, he's spending more for a second heart-valve.

Way to go Douchebag Johnson.

And that brings me to Chunky Beef, Smoker Lady.

Seriously? At a hospital?

I took this at the VA Hospital, where there is a smoking shelter. No, scratch that, there are like three smoking shelters. What the fuck? I can understand something like that at a bar or restaurant... but at a hospital? Why not just get rid of it and force people to adapt. For fuck's sake! It's smoking, not eating... (although in this case, this lady seems to have a problem with both).

You know what, if she wants to smoke, make her ass walk down the block and smoke there! It might help deter her from smoking a little. And that is providing exercise. I just cannot comprehend this act of providing shelter to someone who's already harming their body. If you really want to be a risk-taker, smoke in the fucking rain!

June 01, 2006

Chunky Beef Alert: The Dangers of Bus-Ridin'

Today I am starting a new special, called "Chunky Beef Alert" in which I bring to you, all those that read this blog (all 1 of you), the dangers of those I designate as Chunky Beef.

Now, before we get to the dirt and grit of the post, I should at least explain what Chunky Beef is and what Chunky Beef is not.

Chunky Beef IS NOT simply a large man or woman.

Chunky Beef is a large man or woman that pisses me off or is obnoxious.

Lastly, Chunky Beef is WHOEVER I say.

Simple rules, no?

And now, meet our first Chunk Beef Alert:

Much like pictures of the elusive Big Foot, Chunky Beef Bus-Man, dodges behind urban "trees" to avoid the camera.

I have a problem with people who blantantly don't take care of themselves and then demand compensation. It's like someone who drinks when they have liver disease. And I'm not talking about those who have mental health issues. That's different. The ones who simply refuse to try and change... they bother me.

So the same goes for this Chunky Beef. I ran into this, and barely survived a mauling, when I was waiting for the bus. While waiting, Chunky Beef Bus-Man was sitting on a bench (all of the bench) smoking a cigarette outside of the smoking shelter. Contaminating my air. Yeah, that's right. Fat and smokey... and then he cuts in front of me while getting on the bus.

Fuck you Chunky Beef Bus-Man. I do not need to make space for you when you are threatening my existence with your gravity-altering mass of destruction. You're very presence has probably altered the tidal ebb and flow of the oceans.

Hey, here's a thought: Try a Lean-Pocket with some Nicotine Gum!

I know it sounds mean, but if you were trying to be healthy, I would not have a problem with you.

May 26, 2006



The Seattle Metro System. An endless supplier of strange oddities. And that's just the people that ride it.

You wake up in the mornings somedays... after your dog takes a crap on your bed and you're forced to bleach the hell out of it... to board a bus filled with people who instinctively all want to punch you, or you want to punch them, square in the neck.

Again, there's no real reason why. It's just this feeling when you look at them, or they look at you. It's group misery. While the bus isn't all that bad, there are those days when it's all that bad and then some. Those are the days when you wish you could take a nerf bat on board and just start whackin' people left and right.

Or that you could just Jack-Bauer them.

Case in point: Sausage-Man.

Now you might think, hey, a man who gives sausages. (And if your James, you're thinking... "yumm, I want to eat his sausages".)

But no, it's not like that. He's no hot-dog vendor. He's a guy that smells like sausage. But not good sausage. Three or four day old sausage that's been left out a plate in front of a dingy window by the sink. Covered in its own oils. Even most forms of bacteria don't want to grow on it... just the smelly kind.

And he sits there, on the bus, talking to some larger woman, who's playing with some sort of decrepit old police scanner/radio that looks like it came from the 70's (you know, back when all the cool, hip technology came from). And you wonder, "Do they know each other?" and "How can she stand his sausage-smell?" and "Maybe she smells of sausage?"

Or, "Is he flirting with her?" - which is quickly followed by a prayer that they never have sausage-smelling kids.

Don't get me wrong, I don't care how big or small you are... fat, skinny... whatever. But you don't have to smell bad. Common courtesy... if you are going to sit next to me in public, try to at least bathe once in awhile.

Instead, I'm stuck feeling nauseated and sick because of Sausage-Man. And after over thirty minutes of this, because the bus was stuck downtown, I really did want to Jack-Bauer him:

You've Been Jack-Bauer'd! Enjoy a hole in your wife's leg!

May 23, 2006

Cyber-Mega-INTRA-WEBtastic Security


One of the things that often happens at most places of employment is that you have to go through training. Be that safety training, cashier training, customer service training, sexual harassment training, potty training... whatever.

And often, it is one boring piece of shit experience.

We all know what I'm talking about. We all know, because we've all gone through it. Even those of us without jobs currently have still gone through it. Hell, they even put us through that bullshit in high school.

Of course, it's not always there fault. After all, there are some very stupid people out there that probably would do the most enormously stupid things, like playing with exposed electrical wires that are obviously sparking with electricity.

But for the rest of us, it is rather pointless, and almost insulting that we have to go through training, and also watch training videos, that seem to have been made for a toddler with Down syndrome (or for Fred Phelps. Fuck you Fred Phelps.)

My personal gripe is the safety videos and safety training... both of which I had to do again, as part of a yearly cycle. So I'm sitting there, at my nice and neat little offi-cube (a slash between an office and a cubicle for those of you that fall into the Fred Phelps category), doing the online training safety video... when we approach the topic of cybersecurity. And then this picture pops up:

Now honestly... what the hell is that? Why the hell would someone sit at a computer with a fuckin' ski mask? Most computers I know of (unless they are Macs) have no built in camera. And this being the VA, I can tell you that there are no cameras floating around overhead watching your every move. (We're too cheap and too underfunded for that.) So that means they paid some fucker to wear that ski mask and sit like a moron to take a completely unrealistic, childish, and downright insulting picture. It's like telling someone, "Now see here... if you aren't careful, this bad scary man with the mask could steal your information!!! Oooogadiboogadii boo!!!"

Stupid cybersecurity training video.

And seriously... what sad excuse for a human being would actually sit with a ski mask on in some chair and act all spooky bank robber like?

May 14, 2006



I want to know something.

Why the hell do people think that I want to see their ass-cracks? Seriously. I don't. Even if you were the hottest person on Earth... I don't want to see your ass-crack.

Well, maybe Natalie Portman. I'm undecided on that one. Or that chick from Lost.

But even then, I'm not sure. I'd rather have them wearing a parka.

There is definitely absolutely nothing appealing about seeing someone's ass-crack. Nothing.

Especially when I'm eating chowder on a sunny day. I guess it being a sunny day really has nothing to do with the fact that I was eating chowder. But it was sunny, and it's for setting the setting.


So anyway, there I was, after having gone to the Seattle Cheese Festival, and getting loaded on cheese, eating chowder. The Crab Pot. Good chowder. Not the best chowder... I'm still on the hunt for the best chowder. But damn fine chowder nonetheless. So there I was, enjoying my chowder... when McChunky decides to sit in front of me, her back facing me. And there it was... ass-crack.


Staring me down, while I'm eating. But I can't fault her completely, she did decide to pull down her undersized shirt a little, which meant that instead of showing all of her flabby backside, she was only showing 25% of her flabby backside.

Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.

May 13, 2006

You Never Truly Escape


Seeking nostalgia, partly because I saw an old friend (from the 5th-6th grade era) today, I decided to go looking through my vast collection of pictures. As I was doing so, I ran across a picture that brought me back to my days of working at Target.

Ah, yes, for those young'uns that don't realize it (and you all really need to start respecting your elders - Michael, DT, I'm looking at you fuckers), I used to be a part of the grand Target family.

(You know, that family that you try to hide away and pretend like you aren't related to.) To be sure, I wasn't the first of us to work there. That honor is purely reserved for Jimmy. But I was one of the first in a line of many of us who would go on to work there.

Others such as:

  • Jimmy Miller

  • Michael Collins

  • Zacho

  • Steven Pearson (I think... someone verify this for me, if you're not all too busy playing WOW)

  • Joe Ellefson (someone you don't know)

  • Kyle Batie (another someone you don't know)

  • Cali Archer (see above)

Yeah... now I know some of those are names that you don't know. Ohhh, big surprise, Jeff knows people outside this group of people. Maybe if you all read the board and posted, I wouldn't need to go off and make new friends. I blame you all.

But anyway, suffice it to say, many of us have felt the taint of Target.

And specifically, the taint of this man:

OMG, It's Roger... At UW... Is nowhere safe?
"Let's hit it hot, hard, and heavy!"

Yes, good ol' Roger.

Now you might be askin': "Why Jeff, why are you talking about this man when its been years since you've had to work under his oppressive aussie thumb?" Well, because I was a fool.

A fool?

Yes, a fool. For years, I stayed up here in Seattle, around the UW, thinking that I was safely tucked away in my corner of the state. And then, much to my surprise, this man shows up... and at the one place I would have thought I was the safest: UW. Look at that picture carefully... notice that he's not inside a Target... or a SuperTarget... or some sort of UltraMegaTarget? That's because he's hanging out in Mary Gates Hall... trying to recruit more Targetears... the bastard.

And he recognized me. Which is the sad, scary part.

I lost where I was going with this rant. So to tie it up... you all keep in mind... those things that you fear the most... those things that you thought you could escape by running away... oh no my friends. You never escape. They always show up... whether or not you expect it.

Hmm, I wish I could say I was happy with this post, but I'm not. Not that it matters. You all won't read it. Lazy bastards.

May 08, 2006


Rolling Damage

I am a firm believer that in order to grow and succeed and evolve and whatnot... that you have to face adversity. That's just how the whole growth process works.

And yet, I'd like to know how a fuckin' blown tire really helps me.

Two days ago, Saturday (May 6th. 2006), I was scrambling to put together all the pieces for a bachelor party at a paintball place in Everett. And what was supposed to be scheduled, wasn't. So in the end, trying to get nine people up to a place in Everett with only a three-seater truck and a motorcycle made things a little difficult. But then we got my roommates truck, and all seemed to be working just fine. That is...

until I was told to follow the the truck into a gas-station because people thought it was a shortcut. Then when they realized it wasn't (and I had already known but went along - my mistake) I had to circle around the block, finding myself at an intersection with no immediate right turn available. Then someone suggests making a "U-ie" and so I try that. And I misjudge the distance between the car and the curb. And I hit the curb. And I hear that fun sound of a tire exploding.

And there goes Paintball.

I post this not to entertain you retards - since none of you ever read this board. I post it to remind myself of another time when I was driving, and then told to do something that I didn't initially want to do... and that lead to an accident.

That incident, of course, was the headlights-kicking-in incident way back in the days of Bethel High School. When I followed a car that tried to run me into oncoming traffic. And after following for a bit, under the suggestion of the carload, those inside said, "fuck it, never mind" and I slammed on the brakes, the car went for a spin, and ended up in a ditch. Truthfully, nothing was wrong with it, other than we had to push a little to get it out. But I was mad, and I kicked in one of the headlights.

Go figure.

Somewhere there is a lesson in all of these incidents. I suppose it is to not listen to you people when I drive, as I do so much better that way.

That or I need anger-management class.

That or I just need to start driving more often to hone my skills.

Of course, if I one day hit a pedestrian due to situations similar to above, I'd get at least 100 hit points.

So that's something.

May 05, 2006



So I was thinking lately... actually not so lately... that we should all do some paintball again. I've been saying that for the past few years, but you fuckers never actually help go through with it. And of course I know that money is a part of the issue, but I'm sure we can all figure out a way to get around that. At the very least, we could make it a yearly thing. A "jimmoi-day" mega-summerpolooza of sorts... Everybody seems to enjoy a good --olooza.

Which also reminds me... we haven't done any sort of camping thing. That's partly my fault... I've been busy often. But I think that the next three day weekend I have off, we should all go to Fort Lewis and do a little cheap camping again. (And this time I'll bring my paintball gun, so if Mike has any fish or trout problems, we can deal with those.)

I don't know that anybody reads this board anymore, but it was worth a try. You bastards are probably too busy with your WOW to read this. Or post. And the supposedly new forums... yeah, that seemed like a joke. That and I've never really liked forums anyway.

May 01, 2006

0004 - Most Hated, 2006

You know, you bastards should really come to Cupcake sometime.

Of course, you all are too busy playing WOW. Or whatever other MMORPG that has come along to grasp your attention. And for that, I hate you all.

Which reminds me of other things that I dislike.

That's right, it's the Hate List 2006. Or the Most Disliked. I don't remember... I just remember having some list that I would make on a yearly basis, when I remembered it.

So yeah. We'll try that again:

The "I Hate..." List 2006

  • 10. Smoker Guy on Bus - Now this isn't to say that I hate all smokers. I know Jimmy and DT like to smoke. Haha, there go your lungs you fuckers. But I don't hate them. What I do hate is this guy that gets on my bus after smoking the tree equivalent of all a state forest, and then saddles up right next to me. Damn you Smoker Guy on Bus.

  • 09. Brokeback Mountain Lovers - Not all those people that like Brokeback Mountain. Just the ones who like the movie and then get all pissy when I don't want to watch it. News flash people, just because a person doesn't want to watch a gay cowboy movie, doesn't make him a) homophobic, b) closet gay, or c) Tom Cruise. I don't really like very many cowboy films. So I have no interest in the movie. Oh, and I really don't want to see two guys doin' it. Doesn't mean I don't like gay people. I'm pretty sure there are plenty of gay people out there that don't like watching two straight people gettin' it on. You don't call them heterophobes.

  • 08. Bill Nye, the Science Guy - I just don't like the way your name sounds.

  • 07. Karl Rove - You haunt my dreams.

  • 06. Casper, the Friendly Ghost - Fuck you Casper. There is no way you are going to be that friendly all the time when your a ghost. Nobody can be. Not unless you are the ghost of Mother Theresa, and even then, I bet you'd be pissed off that your dead. And you can't be the ghost of Mother Theresa, or your name would be Mother Theresa, the Friendly Ghost. No, best bet is your the future ghost of Casper Van Diem, who died in the future, or is perhaps dead now, and went back in time to a time and place when people didn't know how much you sucked. And if you are him, Casper, I doubt you'd be that friendly, knowing that you were once Casper Van Diem. Unless you lose your memories when you die, then, and only then, would I see you being overly friendly, at having forgotten how much you suck.

  • 05. Tickle Me, Elmo - Pedofile.

  • 04. Harry Whittington - Pure stupidity. Who in their right mind would actually be five miles near Dick Cheney with a gun?? Good sir, it is your own fault.

  • 03. Suri Cruise - For being the child of Tom Cruise. Choose better parents next time.

  • 02. Every Single Contestant on American Idol - It is because of you all that that fuckin' show continues to stay on the air.

  • 01. Tom Cruise

    - Even if you tried, you couldn't be less of a douchebag than L. Ron Hubbard. You brainwash you actresses, impregnate them (which I still doubt, I think it was another Scientologist crony) with your vile seed, name your children idiotic names, create hyper-shitty movies like MI:2 (thank God, J. J. Abrams is making MI:3, so hopefully it won't be the shitstorm that MI:2 was - fuck you Woo, your making the list next year), and your name is Tom Cruise. Fuck you Tom. You've only been watchable in a few movies, and you can't even hold a candle to actors like Brad Pitt, Philip Seymore Hoffman, Christian Bale (to name a broad, diverse few)... hell, even Carrot Top (okay, maybe that was a bit overboard). But oh so how I loathe you.

Ah, there's something to be said about traditions, and about hating on Tom Cruise.

Fuck you Cruise.

April 01, 2006

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
since I was born.
And now it's all right. It's OK.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

Well now, I get low and I get high,
and if I can't get either, I really try.
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes.
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.
You know it's all right. It's OK.
I'll live to see another day.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah. Stayin' alive.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm,
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right. It's OK.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
the New York Times' effect on man.

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere. Somebody help me, yeah.
I'm stayin' alive.

March 30, 2006


Wow Adam, I'm surprised anybody is still trying to post on this. Way to go man. Way to not let this thing die when both of its legs have been chewed off by rabid kangaroos.

Kangaroos... man that brings back memories.

Dangerous memories of a time spent persecuted by--

Anyway, you have inspired me to post more on this. Of course, I don't expect that inspiration to last very long - quite possibly 45 minutes.

But hey, it's something right?


March 29, 2006

Keepin' alive....