September 28, 2006

June 6th was a Monday.

Dear jEFF:

Your old pics on the June 6th post don't work, and I want to see them. I want to create a "People I know" chart, too!!!

September 27, 2006

Time Travel, on the Cheap

I haven't been down to Tacoma in awhile. Or Roy, if you want to be specific.

Fuckin' Roy.

You know, Roy should be considered the Most Vile Thing Imaginable, because it is. I don't care what you say, it is. When I do a movie or short video clip series on the shittiest places to live, Roy will be at the top of my list. Or I'll make a photobook about it.

But I'm getting mildly off-topic.

Not that there really was a topic to begin with.

I haven't been to Roy in awhile. The last time I was tehre was sometime in July. I was there because I had to go down to the American Lake VA Hospital to meet with a patient. While I was there, I stayed at the Collins' House. That because everyone stays there.

It's an unwritten rule. If you are traveling to Roy, you stay there.

It's the place that time sort of just forgot. Or really never cared about. If you want to remember the old times, go stop by.

I feel like I could have been hit with a break five years ago, and only just woken up and I'd think that it was still 2001. It's comforting to me. In the event of some sort of world-wide apocalypse, I might go there to die, choosing to die in the comfort of the familiar.

Unless I'm hookin' up with Natalie Portman... then I KNOW where I'm dying.

For those of you who also haven't made the pilgrimage lately, here's a little reach-back:

Just watch, in ten years, I'll go back and take a picture and it will look the same, except instead of an Xbox on the ground, it will be the Xbox 1080 or something like that.

You know it's true. You know it.

Cooler than Stephanie.

Man, yesterday was the best day ever! Dr. Jekyll came over for coffee and the best damn cake ever, and then went to go see Little Miss Sunshine. Choice quotes for the evening:

"So, I just drinked my shot down."
"Josie is weilding a knife at the bee!"
"Do you have to ge married for us to host a bridal luncheon?"
"There are two types of people in this world. . ."

Next time is highly anticipated. I fixed my camera (finally!) like, 2 minutes after she left, so pictures will be posted when we have more cake. Or popcicles. Mwahaha.

Checking In

So as to not have people assume that I'm not checking the board and working on stuff... I provide you with my filler post.

See... what a great filler post this is.

Secondly, I should kill you both for assaulting my retinas with that... My God... My... it hurts to remember it.

I don't think I could offer something as visually disturbing as both of those images. I don't think I have the willpower to look for something so visually assaulting. So there you go, you win on the visuals.

Of course, I've actually run into people that look like that. Namely my horrible Chunky Beef neighbor below, who continues to harass my friends about the outdoor cat. I'm going to have to Bauer her soon... or at least take lots of pictures of her with a wide-angle lens and run an expose on her.

How I hate her.

It seems like every year or every couple of years I have that one person that I just cannot stand for the life of me and I spend several moments plotting ways to destroy them. I'm not sure why of this... probably some broken childhood problem lurking in the shadows.

So this concludes Filler Post. I'll have something better later. When I feel motivated. Yeah... motivated.

September 25, 2006

Another submission for the Most Vile Thing Imaginable!

Oh, I wouldn't?

I love you, RaechelleLaRee, and I would love you even if there was a goat available.

September 22, 2006

September 19, 2006

Let me preface this by first saying that yes I do have a significant phobia of germs. That being said, I can also establish that my phobia of germs goes hand in hand with my dislike for public restrooms. Although I am not as bad as "shit brick," I have on many occasions opted to hold my need out of fear of contamination.

My darling Heather has posed that when addressed by the very adorable Dane Cook, that the public facility is some sort of laughing matter. I on the other hand would like to offer Exhibit A as my first example of why the public facility is one of the most vile things imaginable:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Aww yes, and let us not forget the reason I have lost sleep on many nights. The idea that when you need to go to the bathroom, and you open the stall and view a horror like this...
My worst nightmare come true:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lest we not forget the things men must endure... at least you can stand and not have to touch it... although looking at it would get me bad enough not to go...

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Finally, I must note that there is a good reason why I do not like to touch the door/objects in a public restroom. See here what I see in my head every time:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Tell me you have something more vile than this? I think not.

My offering for "the most vile thing ever"

I believe i have found something much more vile than yours heather dear....

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Natural Reaction

Congratulations... now I really do know what it's like to throw up in one's mouth.


Very pleasant.

September 18, 2006

I would like to offer up a submission for. . .

The Most Vile Thing Imaginable!!!

This is a picture from my private collection of thinspiration. I'm a fat bitch, but I am not yet this fat; so I look at this picture whenever I have the desire to eat comething that is going to make me this fat. Has anyone else lost their appetite yet?

{edit. . } I totally just noticed that the Chunky Beef on the far left is copping a totally unsexy feel on the lard ass in green. I hope that jEFF isn't masturbating too furiously to this one! {edit competed}

Been a while....

*takes a look around and realizes not much has changed around here other than the layout*

thanks for the invite back again ;) its always appreciated to feel welcome somewhere... sadly I have missed this place a little. the old blogs are nostalgic to say the least...

September 15, 2006

I Very Badly Want to Punch Someone in the Neck

I try to get to work at 8.

About 1/3 of the time to 2/3 of the time, I don't.

About 1/3 of that time, it's my fault. Maybe 1/4 of that time.

The rest of the time, there is some universal balancing act that works in such a way that I cannot make it to work until about 8:26.

Most of the time, it's the metro system's fault. Today for example, the bus was late. Again. Go figure. You'd think that I would just wake up early.

Fuck that. I barely get enough sleep as it is. And this night I actually had slept well enough that I could wake up early or at least on time. But the bus had to be late.

Today's fiasco though, had nothing to do with the bus. Well, maybe it did in that I arrived when I did because of the bus. But as I get off the bus, to cross the crosswalk, I entered the twilight zone.

I look up, see the white man glowing, I look down and start crossing. And sure enough, I get pulled over by a motor-bike cop. Because when I looked down, it started flashing. Maybe it started flashing before I even looked down and I'm remembering it wrong. It doesn't really matter, because in the end, it had JUST STARTED FLASHING.

And guess what... apparently it is against the law to cross when the hand starts flashing. I didn't know that! Did you? (I automatically hate you if you did.) I always thought of it as a yellow light... you can still make it. And since it had just started to flash, I don't even see the harm in it anyway. And the cop was sitting right there... would I have purposely jay-walked in front of a cop if I had known that was a crime?

Look at this buffaloshit. Look. $46 because I was fast enough, and fit enough, to cross a short crosswalk with a just-started-to-flash hand. No posted rules about the crosswalk either. I asked about that, to which the cop replied, "it's on the web". What if I don't have a computer? (Ignoring that I'm posting this on one...). "Oh, it's in the library too..."

Because I have the time to spend my off-time in a library hunting arbitrary cross-walk rules?!

If you don't want some to walk across a crosswalk sign... don't flash the fucking sign. Blast that light with a million megawatts of electricity. Afraid someone will be caught in the middle... here's a solution. Don't change the car's light green for 15 seconds.

Honestly. I don't even care if you have a fuckin' hand-flasher or not... whatever the rule is... POST IT SOMEWHERE FOR SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY READ.

I'm not mad at the cop... he's just enforcing a rule because he's supposed to. I'm mad at the idiots who put this rule into place and then decided not to tell anyone about it. I certainly don't remember this rule in any driver's ed class I took.

So now I get to take time out of my schedule to contest a fuckin' ticket!? Oh, and the kicker... as I'm being written a ticket for jay-walking... two morons actually do jay-walk across a busy street.

Today is not a day to cross me.

September 14, 2006

Things on Motherfuckin' Things!


I haven't posted in awhile. But, unlike you bastards, I am posting. Do you know why? Because I care. Never let it be said that Jeff Bauer does not care. It's Bauer jack-asses. As soon as a save up the amount of money it takes, I'm changing my last name. I'm done with that weak other last name. It has done nothing but kept me down in life.

So that's right. New Jeff. And not that Phej crap either.

I went to Boston a couple of weekends ago... as some of you know. My true friends know that at least. The rest of you just suck. Suck like Chunky Beef kind of suck. (Which reminds me, if any of you see Mr. Parr, punch him in the neck and then take his picture so I can post him as another Chunky Beef.)

Now then... where was I...

Oh yeah, so Boston. (By the way, nobody calls it Bean-Town there... well nobody I talked to anyway. They did have a pub named Bean-Town pub though...)

I didn't eat there. It looked too East Coast for my West Coast blood. Didn't want to cap some foo's or anything either.

My trip to Boston also marked the first time I have ever flown (since being a wee baby - and that doesn't count). And wouldn't you know it...

There were Snakes on my Motherfuckin' Plane!

Okay... so there was only one snake. And okay... so it was rubber.


But I still Bauer'd that snake good.


This is why you all don't read this site anymore... isn't it?

September 12, 2006

Meanwhile, does anyone know how to invite someone here? Raechelle wants back in.