it is cold in this room

or is it just inside me - i don't quite know - nor can i tell the difference - i think the cold prevents me from realizing my insides are moving - its a rare thing that, my insides moving and rather disturbing - makes you think there is a different entity inside of you ( note to mike ripping open a pillbug to allow multiple copies of itself run free, only to be eaten by ants ) - i feel like my head is to be ripped off any thousands of sickly perverse copies of myself are to come rushing out of my insides. ok so maybe not. but there is something there - and the bloody cold is keeping me from realising that it is - it could be debated that since I know it exists and that the cold is covering it up that I do know it is there, but let me clarify - i do not feel it there - so i can rationally percieve it's existance, but not be caught up in it.

a lot of things are like that. like sex for example. too many people say that I cannot know sex without experiencing it. but that is besides the point. do i have a point? i dont exactly know - but let me start at the begining - if there is a percievable begining to any of this - now i'm getting caught up in the fact that there cannot percievably be a begining to anything merely because in stating that there is a begining you are stating that there will be an ending - and you arent always around for an ending - and the ending isnt really all that percievable anyway - so the whole concept of begining and ending are merely supplanted onto things to make us believe that there was a definate " START " and a definate " FINISH " - but what difference does that really make?

I think I might have a brain problem. Last night - and consecutively ( now ) make me be believe so. I get sharp pains. I don't bother with thinking, or talking, or paying much attention to it - because I figure everyone else has them too - but you see : they dont - and that's something I've been trying to hide from myelf for a long, long time - it would be fun if I had some sort of brain problem - it would be a big excuse for being the way I am - that's what I think I look for the majority of the time - a big excuse for me - because as it is now - there is no reason for the way I am - but I tell you : there is SOMETHING to what I am - I know that - because I can't get rid of it - so it's there - but the question is WHY - why is it in me : and why on earth ( or what intent on earth ) - does it have to be in me for?

Do any of you feel that? A need to be - a need to be ... I don't know - I need to be something but not " something " like everyone else percieves something to be - but to be SOMETHING - it's hard to explain - ... just a need to be ... argh. Well it's in me, that need - and I try to shove a pillow over it's face and smite it for all I'm worth but it just doesnt seem to happen - it always rears it's ugly head in some form or another to snap me in the god-damned rear and say "HEY BUDDY, YOU'RE SPECIAL!" and all I want to be is un-special. I get so much flak from people when they see that thing in me - and they wish they had it - they wish they had it so much so they could do all the things they've dreamed off - so they could be the best they ever were - so they can be that something but cant because they've not got that " thing " - and then they see me with it - and I'm fighting as hard as I can - as hard as I bloody well can not to give in to it and they dont like that - they want that - in fact if they had it they say they could do all the great things - but it's different when you know that you can - and that you are somehow meant to do things like that - you just dont want to - or i dont want to - because I want to be me - and how can I be me when the thing inside of me always is what it is reguardless of what I want to do?

How can you be you when you get in the way?

eh.

what am I going to do today?
i seriously, from the depth of my being - do not know.