i believe i may have found a " fix " -
as the knot is gone!

i need to find a studio - and ( of all things ) audition ---
do actors get paid? does it matter if they do or not?

for some damn odd reason : the concept of me being an actor makes me feel better : makes the sickness go away : makes me feel all ... stable again > then i start thinking into it : about how i cannot act or whatnot : and how i cant remember lines much of any at all > and i start getting that knot again.

but what difference does it make?
i need to find a studio and audition.