and so on

here i am sitting down : after many troubled dreams of this and that and sweat-filled nightmares throughout the night, and even day - i have come to the conclusion that i should probably come to the board and ask a question of all those participating.

the question is about drugs, which ironically is exactly what the bloody movie Requiem for a Dream is about. RfaD portrays it in a sense, however - that made me never want to be a drug addict - which doesn't happen most of the time with druggie-films. druggie-films mostly constitute a drug-filled haze of people always in NICE BUILDINGS with CLOTHES ON and FOOD TO SPARE but always going through withdrawals and a never-ending sense of "I must have more {insert drug}" -- now you see that's pristine : that's cut/paste : i myself could have been a druggie - i guess all i need to do is steal and rob and get money and support my drug-induced habit of life : but that just doesn't sound like me : merely because i think withdrawals would be a fun activity. Hmmmm.

the movie made me think otherwise.
and it sickened me.

halfway through the movie i mumbled to myself " I'm going to burn in hell " - and Jimmoi looked over to me and said " what? " and i said " ah, nothin " - because i didnt know why i said that - after long internal debates and so on i came to the conclusion that i actually "felt responsible" for a drug-addict's piece-of-shit lifestyle... that with them commiting acts against themselves - throwing themselves into situations where only bad things can happen - i felt that it was my fault that they were doing those things.

but further introspection revealed that it wasn't that i felt responsible as much as i felt Jealous of the fact that they could make it so well in life and be so fucking stupid in the same light. how is it that they can go and support a drug-habit and have a house and so on but still not worry about things ( and what they do worry of is just "when is the next hit" ) and then i found my shining diamond-rock thing ( in a sense ) - and it gave me solace - and it fixed me.

I didn't feel responsible. I didn't feel jealous. I felt isolated. I felt out-of-touch with reality. You may be saying to yourself "but james-o, druggies are not reality" - and i looked back at myself and the world around me and i saw two distinct idealogies. the one : the american dream > land of white picket fences, three kids, a house and a wife - a good job - a tie - white shirt - glasses - work-a-day - buy a house-hold security system " There are bad people in the world " sort of idealogy. the nice one. the idealogical one. and the second being the "realistic" world - not as much as realistic as entirely pessmistic - the land of drug induced hazes where nothing makes sense and everything is a trip - where those you associate with will back-stab you for whatever drug it is they're addicted to - where people push themselves to extremes unheard of to attain goals which never are attainable - rags - blind - sex, and the promiscuious(?) usage of it to gain favors - ... dark... sick ... "not covered by the government" - fallen through the cracks - catering to the will of the afore-mentioned's dark-nightmarish-hedonistic pleasures.

i found conflict within myself. I am stuck between which reality i wish to "live" in - and so with my non-choice philosophy kicking in - i chose neither - fuck the both of them - i'll figure out things on my own. I have the mentality and morals of the fore - and yet am about as lazy and non-productive as the latter. and so no matter which reality i eventually get stuck with - i wont fit in - ... it's a double edged blade in which both sides slice my head off with a quick sweep. so looking back to my statement about "burning in hell" i realise it had nothing to do with either "heaven/hell/spirituality" - but as the life i will one day live - hell being life - life being hell. and no matter how much i want to be an ostrirage and stick my head in a hole - it wont stop. it never will.

i dont ever believe the "good life" or "the bad life" people are ever self concious of the things they do.
and maybe that's my problem - being self concious...
i need to just BE.

( reminded of mike's idea of having a redundtantly meandering "clockwork" job so you can lose yourself in it )

anywho - i'm entirely going off on introspective thought : so my question to those on the board is this :

What experiences have you had with drugs?

i'm serious.

soon i'll be posting my entire experiences with drugs here.
which is few -
merely because i never get this crazy infatuation with 'polluting the body' with foreign substances or 'becoming dependant' on things that are not of my own manifestation.

i'm going back to sleep.
i advise you all to watch that movie.
reguardless the adverse affects it had on me.
eh.