You may all remember way back in the day when Jeff posted that in fact he never went to college - and isn't there at the moment. In fact he isn't even in Seattle. You all remember? OF COURSE YOU DO. You remember when he posted that instead of going to college / seattle that he decided to live the rest of his days out by the ocean and work at a light house. Remember the day he posted his picture on the board and the look on his face was so giddy - so full of joy - that nobody suspected any different. And in case you don't remember that day ... I shall, from the depths of my saved files - dig up that very picture of him smiling and pointing at his lighthouse of joy and wonder.
yes...We were ALL happy for Jeff having found a place to dedicate his life too. A reason to live - to wake up each day. To monitor the beaches like nobody else had monitored them before him. But you see - I've recently uncovered a dark, dark secret that he's kept from everyone. In fact - there is a reason he's hidden it... which is obvious. He is ashamed. He has decieved us all into believing that he was a light-house worker. He has decieved us all into believing that he had a wonderful job at the light house... and most of all -
he lied to us about his happiness...
As he is MISERABLE.
Why would our beloved Jeff lie and decieve his way into manipulating the thoughts and feelings of us here on the board? Well I stuck a secret camera onto one of his fruity jackets a long time ago - and forgot about it. Obviously he throws his clothes around and so when I hooked up my digital equipment to spy on him at his light house just a bit ago - I was horrified. The camera must have fallen off of his jacket, or he just threw it on the ground - as you can see he is featured in this picture... but who is that other woman?
I quickly enabled the audio program on the camera and was stunned to hear
the following dialogue :
Large Woman : HONEY! GET ME SOME BEER!
A voice, sounding like Jeff : b ... bb bu... but it's... it's cold outside d.. dd ... dear.
LW : DAMNIT BITCH, HOW MAHNY TOIMS AVE I GOT TA TELL YOU? GIT DTHA BEER!
( Noise, sounding like beating of a fist against a large melon )
( Jeff yelps in pain, more noise sounding like running footsteps through a cave ensue )
LW : DAMN LITTLE FOREINGERS ... I AINT MARRIED HIM FER NOTHIN!
My draw dropped in horror.
I was stunned.
Jeff was married to this fat oaf of a woman?
And why were they in a cave?
I waited until he returned with the beer.
Jeff : here ... here is your ... your beer .... dear.... i ... hope you like it... i got you lite... because yo---
( a noise, sounding like a smack )
LW : I DAMN WELL HATE LITE BEER AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!
Jeff, crying : YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!
LW : FUCK YOU GIVE ME THE BEER AND GO PLAY IN YOUR FANTASY LAND!
Jeff : FINE!
( noise of a computer turning on and booting up )
Wherein the camera depicted Jeff online, at his computer - posting to the board about how he loved his life at the Lighthouse and how everything was grand and perfect and that the ocean was good. He then stopped posting and proceeded to boot up a game of " TheSims" ... Now you see - you may have seen his recent posted picture of his " Fantasy Land " as his obese wife had put it ...
but only I have acquired the TRUE nature of what his Dream World consists of.
In the picture is it obvious that Jeff has created TWO DISTINCT COPIES of himself. And they're obviously in love with eachother in a way that no man should love another man. You see? We must help Jeff! We must first remove him from this dark cave and large woman. We must then remove him from his computer fantasy land where he can love himself in manners unheard of! Sitting in hot-tubs with himself, both thinking of the same thing and completing eachother's thoughts! Giving new meaning to " You complete me " - Jeff must slowly come to the realization that his obese wife is not good for him, that nobody should live in a cave, and that no - it is not healthy to fantasize about playing footsie with yourself in a hot-tub.
Please call 1-900-savejeff and send me at least 5$ to my house.
I SWEAR I will use it to help Jeff out of the situation he has written himself into.
Really... I do.
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