Writing this morning.......................... Okay I made two posts today. A first and a second. The second was a poem, the first some literal thinking.
After I was finished with the literal thinking portion I had an emotional breakdown. My feelings of uncertainty,pain,alienation,despair,..etc became so intense that I was unable to think, walk, or control my own body in any way. I was curled up in a tight ball on my bed, lying in the the fetal position with my head in my hands, crying. I was emotionally overwhelmed. Returning to a state of control was a slow process. First I began to be able to think, and then I went into a process of translating my experience into thoughts. Being that I am stuck thinking in words, those thoughts revealed themselves in a structure which consists of words, however, the structure was certainly not that which one would normally use to describe something, thus was born that poem. The creative process of "self expression" relieved a great deal of my emotional burdon, enough for me to write the poem, post it and return to a state of normal self control. I do write a lot... and this is always the way in which I end up writing. Not always with tears and crippling despair, but sometimes with joy, anger,pity, hatred, apathy,... etc. But you see I do not write because I like to write or because I want to be a "poet". I write because I have to write these things that force themselves into my "soul" or whatever it might be... Honestly I think I am crazy and that I need a psychological evalution. I have a very slight grip on reality and everyday I let go a little more. I would bet that I am manic depressive, I do suffer from severe and often almost suicidal depression regularly. I also go through periods of entense joy at mearly existing... The worst part of all of this is that I think that if I am insane, or just in the process of going insane, that I have driven myself there through my own thought.... I am lost in questions... not metaphorically, literally.. The questions that overwhelm me do so in a literall sense, as in disconnecting me from reality while I ponder them and then returning me to a "new" reality, a reality in which the answer I have arrived at is true. The nature of many of these questions means that the inswers can often cause a very powerful emotional impact on me... ... I don't know, just FYI ......Mike