I sat in that empty bath-tub, after the cd had ended, for what seemed five minutes. It was where I use to spend most of my time, after draining the water and watching it slowly pull itself down - I'd lay transfixed onto the drain. Sometimes I use to spit close to it, and watch that slowly make itself down the drain. It was a good feeling, watching things slip away from me into darkness. I use to sit there for a long while watching things go down the drain.

When I first met Rachael, I sat there and, instead of spitting, I use to throw up. I don't know why. There wasn't any reason to, I was rather healthy at the time. I dont exactly know if it was self induced, the vomiting - but none-the-less I use to watch that slowly make it's way down the drain as well. Of course I had to turn on the water and help it on it's way, sometimes.

But today I didnt look at the drain. I just lay there. For what seemed for five minutes. " Goodbye, Cruel world. I'm leaving you today. Good-bye, Good-bye, Good-bye " - the CD spouted out. I laughed to myself. " Good-bye all you people, there's nothing you can say to make me change my mind, Good-bye " - and with that, I was left with silence. This is normally where they kicked in.

But nobody was home. My parents never stopped by to tell me how bad I was. I couldnt distinguish the difference between what was good, or what was bad, anymore. I didn't feel sick. I lay there, my back wet and everything else drying. I had turned on the fan. I cannot take baths without the fan on, I don't know why. It helps me dry faster when I lay there I guess. The faster I get cold, the faster I am compelled to get out of the empty thing.

It seemed like five minutes. And I was laying there, in silence. I said " Everything is ok, isnt it " to myself. My voice sounded odd. I didnt know if I was questioning myself, or making a statement. Or maybe a bit of both. Did I feel well? Or maybe even happy / was this happiness? Where was the internal backlash that always occured with 'good things' - where was my dampeners to make sure I never fell too far into ...

" Everything is ok, isnt it " - but this time it was inside my head.

Again, not knowing if it was a question or a statement. Looking for answers or stating a fact. My internal representations of mother and father where nowhere to be found. My chants weren't flooding in, and everything did seem " ok ".

I waited.

I waited for it to change.

I waited for what seemed five minutes, in that empty bath-tub.
with silence at my side, waiting for the backlash.
waiting for the sickness to come washing down over me,
start from my feet and play around with my gut,
only to jump onto my chest, and then land in my head.

but it never came.

I lay there for what seemed to me to be five minutes.
I got up, dry - and put my pants on.
I walked into here, my room, and glanced at the time.

surely something, somewhere, must be wrong,
right?

as how could one mistake two hours for five minutes?