I suddenly realized that I dont know who I am. I woke up this moring to an empty house, without a letter from anyone telling me what to do and when to have it done by. I realized Im getting married, Im taking remidial classes, hanging out with "friends," lieing to my parents constantly, taking PE and enjoying it, and am in the armed forces. Im confused as to who this person is. I dont remember waking up on a previous morning and saying to myself "today is the day that I will become a completly different person. Im going to quit taking hard classes geared toward college, avoid college completely, and change my entire "moral" being." I think I would honestly remember something to that effect.
Worse still more I had an epiffany (yes I know i spelled it wrong) -- Im actually holding down a job that I enjoy, and making VERY good money.
What ever happened to "me?"
Ive always been geared towards college, medicine, and well, frankly, men. Now I seem to have lost ambition to persue any of them. Instead Ive decided to go the complete opposite direction (with the exception of the men thing, Im not a lesbian, sorry boys)
Sometimes I cant sleep cause I have too much going on in my head. Tonight would be one of those nights. And the worst part is I cant even put whats in my head into words, which would really help me sleep.
I start to think about all kinds of things, and I really wonder about it untill it actually hurts my head, then I have to get up and do something... clean my room, the bathroom, do work, read a book, go online. all of the above.
I started thinking about my day. I had a really strong sence of de ja vou ( yes, I know I spelled it wrong, Im a german student not a french student) today, to the point of becomeing nausious. I actually had to leave the room. Worse yet, I had a dream/awake deep thinking moment, where I actually saw myself die for the second time. I had this dream about a month ago, and I woke up from it with that gut instinct you get, you know the one, when you know for a fact its going to happen. I actually threw up from it. I saw myself die agian today. And this time it was more in depth than the first time. I know it now, I will die before I turn 20. Im oddly enough beginning to accept this fact. Although the part that bothers me the most is that other people are going to die as well. I wont give you the gory details, but just know that there are going to be a lot of people very hurt, very soon. (not by me either you sick freaks)
This all should bother me, but strangly enough I just kinda have to keep doing things the way I usually do. Cause if I dont, people will think Im nuts. But when it finally does happen, someone is going to remember me mentioning this, and then they will wonder why they never thought to ask me more...
I wonder sometimes if its actually possible to think myself out of existance, like if I try really hard, I could just completely erase everything I have been and ever will be.
I think I know what I would do if I could do anything I wanted this very moment and then come right back once Im done.
If all good children go to heaven, then where the hell am I going?