I think I'm currently loosing my mind. It comes and goes, but it....??? I can't make sense out of half the things I keep thinking about.. It's like there is this big black wall in the way and I can't get around it, climb it, or ever go through it... and then it suddenly disapears. I want to be home right now. I think sometime in the next month or so I am going to reach what all my host club calls the 'Holly SHIT what the fuck have I done!' stage. That should be interesting. I hate being sick and tired.... but I'm hyper, confused, frustrated, happy, and depressed at the same time. GOD I LOVE LIFE. *lol* I can't seem to be sane at all anymore... what is it I am loosing with this that I am learning? I can't waite to find out. There seems to be few courses of action left concerning the chioces I have already discared along my chosen path... and yet there is the possibility of stepping off the path and into the foriegn for me. But I am afraid to. All my life I have been taught to be just 'so' and behave... I haven't to a degree, but in s sense that is what has helped make up me. What can I do.... that question keeps repeating in this song. I have a desire to learn all of those things, but I have an aknowleged fear of it all. It hurts me to hurt them... for I must to get where I am set to go, or however I go. If I make it all up and then learn to live by that, I am purely a lie. I am nothing but a thing holding on in a wind/cycle/life/time. I've let go with one hand of the thing that keeps me still in my life, and yet no matter how hard I try to take a step forward, I am restricted to that one step. To take another I must completely let go, and when I have, I suddenly find myself lost, and running back to that thing which holds me safe, grasping desperetly for fear of it. Then I calm, slowly inch away again... but in the end I always end up back there... crying tears and holding on for my life.

I'm to confused to think, yet think I do. It's splitting my mind in two. I seek to place the blame on someone else, yet there is no blame for me to place. It is merely how it is. Why I wonder, as I always wonder, am I so lost?! My immediate programmed respose... SHIT HAPPENS! :P

Damn you all, and damn me... that's all I see it can be.