Do you ever get those moods where you think to yourself ?? "I ought to restrain myself right now because I can tell the I am feeling a little out of touch with normal reality, and I know that I am capable of doing something that I will later regret and call crazy..."
Or into one of those moods where you think to yourself "Okay Damn't what the hell was I thinking, clearly I can jut trust my own judgement to make decisions right now, the last few things I have done were just ridiculouse, and here I am again off on these flights of fancy, daydreaming about impossible perfections as though they were possible....." Just getting so confused about everything somtimes and hardly being able to deal with life when even though you know what is real you don't know how real are your thoughts about it ................. ANd maybe I am driving myself crazy with emotions and questions and numbers and theories and and anda poems and... where is all the normal stuff in my life ?.. Like jobs and taxes and paperwork and friends that I don't creep out .... I NEEED drugs.. UGH
Ever been in one of those moods where you just have to think.."Wow the world is beautiful and here I am in it. This just all so wonderful, all this "is" stuff...."
or even " My life is hell, this world is hell.. constant self destruction, tears, pain, sadness, without love.. always being asked to do things I am not able to deal with.. I am in hell and I hate it ..... where is the door ?".."WHY CAN'T I DEAL WITH RESPONSIBLITY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE".. and sometimes I think that you are a clown put into the world to amuse everyone else..... UGH ..HELL HEAVEN HELL HEAVEN I CAN NOT DECIDE.. And sometimes I wonder seriously if I am delusional.. I have spent a lot of my life wondering exactly the reality of being "Mike" as compaired to my own internal delusional fantastic daydreams... I honestly believe that I am capable of anything, in possession of many talents, etc at different times of day............ right now is one of those skeptical times where I simply think I am less than average in every way " a complete bafoon" filled with hot air and waisted space, who makes itself a joke to the world by being seriouse about itself.. and that is just something I have to deal with now and again ....... Honestly I think this now and again ...... I wonder why people can't be nice to eachother just because they fundamentally are all human and are all therefore thinking emotional beings in a state of conciouse self awareness. All deserving of acceptance and understanding... People FIGHT over ideas about what is right, when I doubt the even understand that they are nothing but innocent children who are lashing out because of bad emotions built up over a lifetime of neglect and being fenced off from other people...... WHere is all the compassion in the world today ??.. and I don't mean an abstract world, I mean this one right here.. the one I wake up in every morning .. the one I talk to everyone in... WHere is the empathy ???... Why can't you smile and be humble and respectful and turn the other cheek to a child throwing a tantrum .... why not be patient and accepting ???.... I know that it would be great you know.... when I look at all the people in the world, all I can see are the tears and the hurting that they give to eachother every day "and my own"... Maybe I am crazy ... I am really starting to worry about it.... such is life is life when letting go of life forever and accepting I'm already dead some day .etc......................................... FIN Mike .... I cry over thoughts because human beings are nothing to eachother but big mean apes who have innocent children silenced gaged and buried in their souls ......................