I get bored with people over time, I know this. For that reason I eventually wonder away from people myself or let friendships fade. I do it unconsciously for the most part, but even once I realize what I’ve done I don’t try to resurrect my friendships; the lost causes. There have been a few people in my life who I have tried to hold on to, but by the time I did try to save the relationship, it was to late.

A**** from my youth, my family moved away from where I could see her. By the time my mom took me back to the old neighborhood, I found out she had moved the summer before.

S**** and M*****… both gentle and trusting souls. S**** my chow chow I named after her, my best friend. Meadow moved away with her family. I haven’t heard from her since.

L****** T******, I thought she was a great person. She ended up giving me a “three strikes” your out kind of thing because the way I acted and dressed embarrassed her in front of the ‘popular’ people at school.

T**, J*****, ‘Crazy’ *****, little ****y, and E******* all graduated last year. E******* wrote to me once last fall, but I never wrote her back. TomTom I still have some contact with, but not much.

A****, *****, and all the people I left behind in Sweden that I never said good-bye to, I only ever wrote the first two for a short while. Then stopped without ever giving them a reason.

_____________________, I care more for him more then all of the above said people combined. I’ve know _____, my ________, less than a year and I love him more than I know how to say. It hurts my heart to look at how much he makes me feel because I’m so afraid of loosing him.
I know that loving someone isn’t enough to make a relationship last. You have to have trust, communication, respect for the other’s privacy, and friendship. I think that these are the key four key things to a foundation of a long-lasting relationship. _____ and I have very good trust, our communication is pretty damn good at times but at other times I wonder where it’s gone, we have a mutual respect for the other’s privacy though I know I cross the boundary with him sometimes, and we don’t really have a friendship.
I know that I want to be friends with him. I want to go out anywhere or stay at home and be able to have a grand time with him, goof off, banter with him, relax in front of a movie, talk for hours about whatever…ect. Nevertheless we are very different he and I. He’s told me, written to me that because of our differences that he can’t act like a friend, or just be a friend. I think in some way I’m the same as he.
In the past few months we have both asked ourselves and eachother repeatedly if we should stay together. We both do this because we don’t know it if will last, and if it doesn’t, how much more will the other be hurt than they would be if our relationship were called off now. Then again, there is still that question of what if it does last? How great or long will it be if we stay together…?
As I see it now, without friendship, it won’t last.

_____ has proposed that we are just friends for a while and I will agree to this, yet I’m afraid. I cry as I read the letter he gave me, I cry now as I write all of this and think of him. In my mind though, I’m preparing myself to lose him. This scares me most of all. How is it I can do that? How is it I can say to myself, “Know that it’s coming, You’ll loose him, know it.” My mind plays against itself. My heart and my soul don’t know reason and logic as my mind does, all I really do is feel…. How can I be as I am, saying that I am the way I am… when all I really want is to be with _____ and say DAMN YOU to rest of the world or anyone, including myself for trying to take up apart.


[True or False? Then again, who really gives a fuck.]