January 7, 2002

I’m sitting here typing, wondering why I’m typing, as to why I’m typing and so forth... what random thoughts I have that run through my head... this computer word document under lines every single word that I type almost, only a few being left free from the peralis red line. It’s fun sitting here... class it is 35 minutes, and I am bored stiff... who knows what one is or what one does. One merely sits and thinks, writing random thoughts though in order it seems, not totally jumbled and incoherrent as they seem to me. I wonder about my typing, whether certain words I have typed are in fact spelt wrong... I think of one who is Alex known by name to me, but I also think of Mike Ehresman, Mike Rigney, Tom Tom, Rob Cail, Ryan Glen, Mat Bahnam, Nick Johnson... and others from my present and my youth... there also is the three true, Azshure, Meadow, and Autaunm... and there with the spelling yet again I am unsure. What is it that in this life makes me want to do things, to be remembered, to be forgotten... what is it that made me want to come and sit here and type other then bordom really..? That I may never know. LOL... life brings us many things, the devil on wings, the bringer of the queens... when I was on the train this morning, I was thinking about the man across from me. The train was full, which I think is to be expected, and we were near the doors that go out, in the little ’coridor’ there, and we were both facing a different window. I knew we could see eachother in them... each the other and his own, but we could also see out into the night if we really wanted to... I did and I didn’t... and so I gazed from one to the next. I had seen this man before on the trains that ever go from one place to another and I wondered at that. He was about 6’2’’ brown/brown, at least I think he had brown eyes, just a guess really though, and he was one of those people who are handsome in a way as to say that he had a ’manly’ face and jawline, and yet it was too much. Part of his cheeks to me looked to hollow, like they had been delicately carved away, and put along his jaw and chin. It wasn’t a funny face, but a harsh face to look upon... then I thought later as time went on that this would be a very interesting picture indeed... a person watching a person, reflected by there own one watching them. No words do we ever peak to eachother, that is not needed, though no true looked passed between us, and maybe I was entirely mistaken in thinking that that one was watching me in turn, yet is a thought none the less which I type here and will print, and maybe I will remember it and not just toss it out in the time ahead, and yet if I were to truely keep all the papers I have and will type in the future, then I am surely going to have rooms full of paper work in the years to come. Time passes, I now have 17 minutes left to go till my class starts. I think that I will try to make this one page, though I know not what I will type even as I said before. My heart is heavy with this life, and yet to many I am very young, yet unto me I am very old, being that my 17 ½ years are so are all that I have yet lived, but so it is. I have told many a lie in my life, and it is true that over time they do in a way ensnare you, but that is for another time and another telling of tales. I hope that maybe one day I can sit down with some beloved friend, or mayhap so unknown, but kind stranger, and tell the tell that has been my life... but I hope that if/when that time comes I will not so embelish the truth or tell the lies that have become my life, but the real story from past to present and then on. As a child I told many stories of fantascy, though I hardly remember them or of them. My Mommers does though... she said that I had mainy, but I also had favorites that would take place over a period of months or more. She told me not really that long ago before I left home for here in Sweden, that she wishes she had written them down, or at least parts of them. I think that I would have liked that and it would have been interesting indeed to see my thoughts from when I was so young and small upon the world, even as I am today, though time moves on so they say. I wish that for a while I could go back and see what I was like back then, so long ago when everything was entirely new and nothing seemed old, yet I remember it as old. When I was a child I would look in the mirror and wonder what I would look like when I was older, now that I am older, I wonder what it is that I looked like when I was younger, and what I will look like when I am in time, near the end of my days. That is all I have time for now, and that is all I have to say.