January 13, 2004

[The Solution]

First off... I think there might be something wrong with Jimmy.

Secondly, and far more important... I have noticed this air of animosity toward each other with regards to movies... some we like, some we hate, some we can't agree on...

So to fix this, and restore the balance of the board, I have come up with a great solution...

A Solution so powerful, that it might fix Hollywood even...

This solution is to create the WORST movie ideas imaginable... movie ideas so bad, that nobody will want to watch them... at the same time, I will thus be able to hold the rights to these movies, such that if Hollywood ever tried to make them, i could sue them and stop production...

Genius, isn't it? I thought so.

So to that end, I present to you all the first of these great WORST MOVIES EVER IMAGINABLE!, kicking off with:

Premise: A young Cuban boy, new to the country, must enter a cut-throat national go-cart racing competition in order to win the respect of his people and his new school peers, become accepted by his new homeland, and earn enough money to pay for his new life so that his mother doesn't have to be a prostitute.

Setting: The Meanstreets of the Slums of Miami.

Major Characters/Actors That (or possibly will) Portray Them:

  • Jonny Tito/Haley Joel Osment: Jonny Tito is the little ten year old Cuban boy who is new to the country of America. He speaks broken english and the other kids in the neighborhood want nothing to do with him. He even becomes oustracized by the Cuban kids when they see his mother trolling the streets as a prostitute.

    Haley Joel Osment will be cast and given Cuban-paint to look like a Cuban boy. Because of his phenomenal role in the Sixth Sense, he is the perfect choice to play an emotionally unstable ten year old boy of Cuban origin.

  • Marie Santo Tito/Jennifer Lopez-Affleck: Marie Tito is the mother to Jonny Tito. She finds herself abandoned in Miami after her husband dies shortly after getting off the boat from pneumonia. Uneducated, Marie Tito finds herself forced into prostitution to pay foor rent, food, and little Jonny Tito's love of pokémon cards. However, she often comes home beaten from her pimp.

    Jennifer Lopez-Affleck will play her as the estranged but tough-as-nails immigrant woman.

  • José Cruz Tito/Ben Affleck: José Tito is the father of Jonny Tito. He dies after getting off the boat from pneumonia he got while on the boat to America.

    Ben Affleck will play José as is part of Jennifer Lopez's contract where she will do at least five movies a year with her husband. He will also be given Cuban-paint and will play his role with a Cuban accent.

  • Juan Paólo/Vin Diesel: Juan Paólo is the pimp who constantly roughs up Marie Tito, who works for him. He constantly tries to make sexual advances on Marie Tito but comes up empty-handed, after which he flies into a rage and drives off fast.

    A perfect role for up-and-coming star Vin Diesel.

  • Jesse Paólo/Tom Felton: Jesse is the son to Juan and is the title holder of the X-treme Go-Kart Championship, the biggest and baddest Go-Kart Championship of all, which is held in Miami. He hangs with an unruly pack and though not known to anyone else, is not above cheating as a way of winning. He makes it his goal to undermine and destroy Jonny Tito's dreams of a better life.

    Tom Felton, who plays Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter series, is perfect for this role as a bad-ass ten year old with little to no scruples. With the right mix of Cuban-paint, he will look the part perfectly.

  • Kristy Janine Paólo/Hilary Duff: Kristy Paólo is the adopted daughter of Juan Paólo. She falls in love with Jonny Tito, but is forbidden from seeing him. Often times she defies her adopted father to see her ten-year old lover.

    Hilary Duff will play this role as great as she played in Agent Cody Banks. Because Kristy is adopted and a white girl, she will not require the Cuban-paint.

  • Kevin Trent/Frankie Muniz: The gruff but loveable thirteen year old Kevin Trent was the previous X-treme Go-Kart winning of years back. However he is too old to be a go-kart racing and thus resigns and is forgotten over the years. He eventually uses his knowledge of go-karting to help out Jonny Tito, though at first hesitantly. The two eventually become like brothers.

    Who else but Frankie Muniz could play a better gruff and unhappily forgotten thirteen year old boy?

The story begins with the little Jonny Tito sitting in class, trying to talk to some of the other school kids, who quickly make fun of him and call his mom a whore. He doesn't understand why, and goes off to cry in the library. There we are shown flashbacks of the trip to America. He later goes home and finds a crude drawing of his mother looking like a prostitute. Not longer after we find out that indeed his mother is working as a prostitute, making Jonny Tito cry, and want to throw away his latest Pikachu collector card. Instead he runs away from home with tears in his eyes. He then stumbles into a backaway where practice go-kart racing is taking place. He watches mesmorized. One of the onlookers makes comments, and it is revealed that they are practicing for go-cart racing season. The onlooker, tells Tito that there are plenty of cash prizes to win at the end of each race, with the largest cash-prize of 250,000 dollars given to the winner of the X-treme Go-Kart Championship at the end of the season. Tito thinks to himself that this could be the way to save his mother from prostitution.

Tito begins to plan, learning first what it takes to be a champion. He does research and finds the old previous winner, Kevin Trent - who turns out to be the onlooker from the street! At first Trent refuses to teach him the ways of Go-carting... but eventually decides to help the boy, seeing something of himself in the younger lad.

So the two train and begin to build the new racer, the Cuban SEA-GAR! Despite the car's excellent Cuban/German Engineering, Jonny loses the races he enters.

Meanwhile, things are getting worse. At school, more and more kids are finding out his mom is a whore. Then a boy named Jesse Paólo begins making fun of him for trying to race a go-cart to save his mom from being a prostitute. They all laugh and make fun of him.

At home, Jonny is saddened to see his mother come home one day with bruises. It is because of her pimp, Juan Paólo, who is constantly taking most of her money away that she gets as a prostitute. He says that only if she sleeps with him will he let her keep more, but she continues to refuse. However, the landlord wants his rent and she doesn't know where to turn.

Jonny goes running off, crying in the public library, when a young girl walks up to him and they start talking. She comforts him and they go on a walk around the town. She says her name is Kristy and she knows what it is like to lose a father. Her mother was killed and she was adopted by a pimp named Juan, who wants to use her as a prostitute when she gets a little older. She doesn't know who her true father is, but wishes she could find him. Jonny is saddened but vows to find a way to save her and his mother.

With his new determination, and dedication, Jonny goes back to Kevin Trent and they train some more, and begin winning new races. Jesse becomes worried and begins spreading rumors about Jonny's mom, but this only makes Jonny madder, and he ends up winning more races. He eventually places into the X-treme Go-Kart Championship.

Despite Jesse's attempts to win, and attempts to cheat with the help of his gang, Jonny wins the title and the prize money. He then heads home to tell his mom the good news and give her the money... only when he gets there, Juan Paólo is there at his home! Oh no! He is about to force himself on his mother. Juan takes the prize money and laughs mercilessly at Jonny. Now his hopes are dashed!

But just then a figure emerges from the shadows... it's José Tito, Jonny's dad. As it turns out, he wasn't dead, just very sick. A Cuban healer found him and nursed him back to health. At first he had amnesia but with time his memories came back to him. José Tito punches Juan, but Juan pulls a gun on him. Thinking quickly, Jonny throws his prize trophy at Juan, who flinches, giving José and Marie enough time to both punch Juan, which sends him stumbling backwards and out of the apartment window. Juan dies from smashing into his own car, which explodes and burns Jesse Paólo's go-cart in the process (it had been tied to the back of the car).

Jonny uses some of his prize money to track down Kristy's real father who lives in Tennesee. He didn't know that his daughter was still alive. They are reunited and Jonny's family moves up there too, where they all live happily. Jonny becomes a national pro-go-cart racer.

Isn't it just awesomely spectacular?! This movie is the epitomé of horrid wretchedness thrown onto an unsuspecting populace. However, now thanks to me, it will never see the light of day!

Celebrate, you ungrateful bastards.

No comments:

Post a Comment