His name was Jeff Paulino.
But Jeff had a problem that could be summed up into just three words :
He was fat. A big fat guamanian, as chubby as they come.
Seniors would laugh at him, entertaining the idea of how funny it would be to push him down stairs and watch him curl up into a ball like a pillbug, squishingly making his way down the stairs unharmed - as his body fat would protect him from injury. Silently he put all of his efforts into academics, and ignored the taunts and teases from his scholastic peers. He cursed them under his breath : " Curse you seniors! "
Eventually, being cast out from his own social order ( Juniors ) he sought refuge with those who didn't know any better ( Sophmores ) - and found two associates who saw past his grotesque weight problem. Andrew Wegenener and James Collins. Jeff enjoyed the company of these two - as not everything that came out of their mouths was " fat fat fat, overweight, fat fat fat" - and they maintained most of their belittling jokes to his ethnicity.
But deep down inside, Jeff knew he would never be able to strike the Senior's words from his mind.
" Hey he looks like he eats pies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! "
" HAHAHA, You think if we threw our shoes at him that he'd eat them? "
" Are you hungry? Huh, piggy piggy piggy? Are you hungry, are ya? "
" Watch out, Wide-Load coming through the hallways, BEEEP BEEEP! "
They echoed throughout his mind. Eventually this very board manifested itself, and Jeff found that he had a place of solace, a place to go to. A place where nobody would know that he was overweight and ashamed of it. The internet. With the help of the internet he achieved something that he thought he could have never achieved. He found a girlfriend. And as the time passed this girl helped him lose weight - and has become the Jeff Paulino we all know, love, and go to with our troubling problems because "he's such a great listener" - but there is a Jeff that none of you know.
A Jeff that only I remember. And I'm sure if you took his mother's teet out of his fucking mouth, Andy would remember too.
A Jeff that gorged himself on little debbie snack-cakes twenty four hours a day,
who couldn't eat icecream without extra whipped cream on it,
who enjoyed his fries with not only ketchup - but ketchup, sugar, sour cream, cheese, bacon, and grease.
who paniced when he found out that the food he ordered from burgerking, was in fact, NOT supersized.worried that eventually one day he wouldn't be able to bend over and tie his own shoes.
concerned that nobody would love him just because he could chew on his very own nipples.
bothered by the fact that nobody else could slap their bellies and make musical notes with accuracy such as his.
Remember his post about 'the angles of fat' ?
He came up with that, long ago, after staring at himself in a mirror, buck naked and video taping himself.
Remember his raging against the wallabies?
The wallabies represented much deeper seeded hatred. They represented Seniors, those who had mocked him.
Remember his study of the Toucans?
More like study of the creatures who could regulate their body weight, so he could emulate their eating habits.
Remember those men who were mysteriously murdered by a 'large guamanian' and nobody heard about?
Of course you dont, nobody heard about them.
So just you remember next time Jeff asks you out for tea or coffee late one night...
because deep down inside.
There is a Jeff from long ago.