August 06, 2003

The War Against California

You know... it comes to my attention that I hate California. Obviously. And I have complained ad nauseum about how much I hate California and the people that swarm out of there. Really, what good has come out of California. I can think of none. We'll... probably some... but surely the evil outweighs the good.

So to that end, I have decided to declare war on that bastard state.

Now, I tried, with my friend Harry Wapler, to have Congress declare war on Canada, but they refused. Some nonsense about not being about to declare war on a section of itself... bah.

Then I tried planting fake evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction all over the state. That worked for several weeks, but as a surprise to me, Bush figured it out...

So... as a result, I have been forced to put together my own special little task force, all with the sole purpose of destroying the Californian menace.

Now... this is not an easy task, mind you. I had to peruse all the people I know and weigh their strengths and weaknesses to determine who I should include for this unique task force. Finally though, I had my list of nine members:

As you can see... quite a formidable team I have formed:

  1. Jeff Paulino: I'm there cause it was kinda my idea to wage the War Against California.

  2. Jimmy Nicholas Miller: Jimmoi is another obvious choice because of his superior training in the Space Force, and because of his super human abilities (read previous posts for further info).

  3. James C.: James is along for the ride because of his superhuman power to claim to have brought about the results of any and all possible outcomes.

  4. Andy Wegener: Andy was tagged because of his German Engineering.

  5. Aaron: Well, Aaron and James were having a debate about movies and such and as a result he ended up coming along when we shipped out. When he realized what we were planning, he tried to bail, but I had jOe sit on him. I figured we could use another person. Shortly thereafter, Aaron and James resumed their debate.

  6. Joseph Benjamin Macauley: By this time, if you don't know why on Earth I'd bring the great human eating machine on a tactical strike against a nation, state, county, or personal basement, then you haven't been reading the boad long enough...

  7. Harry Wapler: Harry Wapler came along for the ride for a couple of reasons. First of all, he was on Jimmoi's starship as first mate, along with ButtLove. Secondly, he killed a fuckin' T-Rex once (see past post some long time ago for details), and finally... we need someone to report to the world the atrocities that California is responsible for.

  8. ButtLove the Chia: Ah, faithful ButtLove, Jimmoi's beloved pet that keeps him amused and gives him companion while he's flying in Space, protecting the Earth. He's also got special classified powers... funzo stuff.

  9. pikajOe: PikajOe is the offspring of well... jOe and a pikachu. It's a long... sad... scary... story. Either way... we have now the combined abilities of jOe, and... well... a pikachu. Really, it's pretty self-explanatory... so if you can't get it... then really... that's just sad.

Well, that's the team. Soon i'll post about our first battle in the War Against California...

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