[Synergistic]

A strange thought occurred to me...

but I can't remember it, so instead i'll post about this new idea I had...

Have you ever noticed how recent heros have a saying for when they are about to kick your ass. Hell, it's to the point where even non-heros and lay-people have those sayings...

Like, take for instance, Marvel's Hero, the Thing: "It's Clobberin' Time!"

OR there's Arnold's "I'll Be Back!", right before he comes back driving a car to ram straight into your chest cavity.

These "kick your ass" sayings are everywhere and come in different shapes and different sizes. I mean, just look at Pulp Fiction for a draw out, but nicely executed one from Mr. Sam Jackson. I mean, damn... it makes me wish i was black, had an afro, and a black suit so that i could quote Bible Scripture just before bustin' a cap in yo's asses, for realz...

I mean, even James has a variant... Zacho often heard it when he was down here, and it went something along the lines of: "It's ass-Reamin' TIME!"...

of course, that was less "ass-kickin'" and more... well, you know...

So to that end, I've decided to have my own, for whenever you people piss me off and i'm forced to open up a can o' whooooop-ass and whatnot...

and it shall be a great comglomeration of two other great sayings, so as to be able to hold in all of my great and thunderous wrath...
... and it shall be:

It's Pity Time!

That's right... a mixture of The Thing and Mr. T... two of the baddest of the bad-asses...

---

Now, with all the time in the trenches during this struggle with California, I've also had some time to realize something else...

Along with my great saying, that I use whenever i cut down some smog-breathin', ultra-yuppie, hollywood screenwriting, Gigli-producing Californian, I need a Pity-List, just like Mr. T had, back in the day...

That's write... a list of the top people that should watch themselves should they ever cross paths with me...

so, to start out Jeff's Pity List...

Let's introduce my first Pity: VERN FONK

Now, we are all familiar with Vern Fonk Commercials... I mean, who isn't... that bastard is everywhere you channel surf... unless your in Alaska, like some "supposedly" homosexual people, or Cleve-natti, like some "closet-longing for asian meat" other people... and you can't escape it. His latest Commercial series, going off of the Sopranos...

using the clever moniker: the Vernpranos, features two "wise-guys" about to beat some guy for crashing into them... or them crashing into him, i don't really give a rats ass... then they stop when they see he has a Vern Fonk sticker...

WHAT THE BLAZING, PITYING FUCK!? There is some real problems here people... First of all, what if that bastard doesn't really have Vern Fonk Insurance... what if he just has the sticker... I mean damn... I'll just get the sticker so that Vern Fonk won't come try to kick my ass... (which i'd like to see him try, and you'll understand more in a second).

Secondly... no... you know what, there is no secondly... there is no secondly cause those stupid commercials are pissing me off and i don't even care if they make sense or not anymore. OOooh, look, it's Vern Fonk as Forrest Gump... OOOH look, it's Vern Fonk as Tony Soprano... OOOh look, it's Vern Fonk as Eminem...

DAMN YOU VERN FONK.... how's about trying to do VERN FONK AS THE REAL VERN FONK!?!

Yes, that's right, I know you're secret.

For years, all of you have been duped into thinking that this:

this, balding man is the one and only Vern Fonk...

but guess what... he's not.

Rather... this lowly, viagra-munching man:

is the real Vern Fonk.

Doesn't it just taint your view of Vern Fonk Insurance...

Oh yeah, i'll Honk when I drive by Vern Fonk... right before I turn around and drive INTO Vern Fonk...

If i seem a tad bit irate, it's because I am... this lowlife tricking us... not to mention the fake vern fonk is some actor named Rob Thielke. Now this bastard is in a movie called "Doomed Planet", which looks like something that Something Awful would rate as probably a -40... perhaps even lower...

This man should not be allowed to procreate, if there were to be such a ban... since there is not, he is on my Pity List 2003.

Furthermore, I betcha that one of those two Vern Fonk's is Californian.

*Note: I'd like to thank Mr. Harry Wapler for his covert investigations using a small wireless laptop, while taking breaks from watching porn. Good work Wappler