Where did she go?
I don't quite remember,
Why did she leave?
I don't exactly recall.

I was thinking about writing a song about " Im dumb, white, and got nothing to do with my life "
most of the time I think that I'd have an easier life had I been black.
Then I'd dedicate my life to " FUCK WHITEY " or " THE MAN IS KEEPING ME DOWN " or " THOSE BE MAH NIGGERS "
or then some of the time I think that I'd have had it easier if I were a woman.
And then I would dedicate my life to " WOMEN CAN HAVE SEXUAL FREEDOM " or " DONT OPPRESS ME WITH YOUR PENIS "
but neither of these things apply to me.
I am white. And I have no heritage to speak of. And here I sit. I work at a box factory.
It isnt all that bad - then again - it is quite bleak.
Then what if I were Filipino? I'd dedicate my life to " ISLAND PRIDE " and " WE-S GOT-S TO-S STICK-S TOGETHER(S) "
Being white just seems to be the scape-goat now-a-days.
We are the " lost ones " - nowhere to go and nothing to do about it much anyway.

On the radio this morning I heard that you shouldnt eat bacon.
It might cause cancer.
Oh well.
The second thing you shouldnt eat was aspertane. I dont believe I eat that anyway ( nutrasweet ) - being it tastes like shit.
Then you shouldnt eat margarine.
If you want to know more things you shouldnt eat - try 1 800 592 HEAL
or at least thats what I believe the number was.

I've been thinking about myself - who I have "become" a lot lately.
and I realise I've begun to actually " care " about things. To be ... ah - I use to say it was " human "
Now I just think, as I have always thunk ( ah hah ) - that it is stupid.
I was overly-concerned about bonnie and her boyfriend / and whether I had actually offended the two of them.
Had I been me - instead of being concerned I would just dig myself deeper and laugh all the way down.
I was overly-concerned about bradbury and his seemingly disavowing of those I know, and the board itself.
Had I been me - instead of wanting to email him and see what the problem was - I would not give a shit.
I was overly-concerned about heather and her seemingly " Im sick for james but not for anyone else "
Had I been me - instead of thinking she was avoiding me I'd just not give a shit and continue living my life.
I was overly-concerned about if I was getting " assistant pay " at work - a whopping 15$ instead of the 13$ I get.
Had I been me - instead of concerning myself with fucking money I'd not care. Happy I have a job at all.
and finally -
I was overly-concerned about being overly-concerned about things.
This, I have realised, may be a sign of " chronic stress " - or some other bothersome diagnosis I could take drugs for.
I figured this from a radio commercial that ' more-than-spoke ' to me about stress, and worry.
It pegged me - and then it began to talk about how I could " get better " and " be better " and " not worry so much "
( being that if I took drug so-and-so and dont care about rectal bleeding, violent vomiting, or explosive flatulence )
and I laughed.
I dont want to " get better " and I dont want to " be better "
In fact - the more I think about it,
it seems I was trying to be normal.
to fit in.

fuck that.
fuck caring.
fuck the whole lot of it.

I want to call Rachael and set up a date with her this friday.
but I havent the proverbial balls to go and do so.
I know this is something I'd enjoy putting myself through.
being the masochist that I am.

... you know.
I think I'm just getting burnt out.