Fuck.

Okay...how is this thing supposed to work...
I type here...
Right...

Okay, hello all.

This is me: ALF.
yes i know I am attractive...
look at that crap they are having me were...you'd think I was a taliban terrorist or something...
But hey ladies, look at my large feet....oh Yes...large for you!

Do you know why I am here typing out on this garbage?
Because i was forced to.

That stupid dumbassJeff and his old man friend (don't ask me, I think he was snorting viagra when my back was turned), rescued me from my prison. But they said they'd only do that if I worked with them.

He also told me to write something here...
Its like i'm in prison all over again.

I need to get something straight first. I hate you all. No, I'm not trying to be cute. I hate all you people.
Do you think it is because i was captured by the military? Oh no...that was nothing at all...

It's this:

Look at them and their smiliing faces...they even forced me to smile...but oh if you only knew...if you only knew...

I crash landed...the first problem I encountered...
and it wasn't even my fault...
I was merely flying reconaisence and checking my scanners when something came over my radio...somethin called "80's Rock..."
whatever it was, it began seeping into my brain...causing delusions...hallucinations...
my brain began to bleed, my eyes bulged...
i could feel my cranium begin to swell...
and then i crashed...

And then i met that family...

Oh sure, at first they pretended to be kind and understanding...

They made me dinner:

They stuffed me and stuffed me...oh it was a fine first two weeks...
I was pampered...I lived the life...

But if only I would have run...
But alas, I didn't know, and that naive-ness was my downfall...

Things began getting strange...
They began to dress me up:


Holea? WTF?


I don't know why they made me dress up and go to that older teenage girls room...I think was one lonely desperate bitch...


First the dad made me buy him a present.

Then he told me to unwrap his...
I felt sooo violated that day.

But soon, they grew tired of me...
They found a new interest: goats.

Those bastard tanners, they turned me into the military. Still, I figured it wouldn't be to bad...no more having to be their sex slave...

I was wrong:

First their was the general

who would sometimes give me to his group of men...


I still scream at night.

But I escaped, free at last...

I hitchhiked my way across country, in hopes of putting those memories behind me...
But everywhere I went, people somehow recognized me...

During my stay in the military sex prison, those bastard tanners made a fortune off of my stay with them by turning their home movies into a TV series...

They couldn't even get my fucking name right! My name is not ALF you dumbshits! That was just the sex name they gave me when they made me scream in the sex dungeon of love.

Damn you all, its Gordan Shumway fuckholes! I hate you all.

I especially hate this fat bastard who saw me on the street and captured me:


He tricked me, making me think he was a kind person. After all, someone told me once that all fat people are nice because they have to be.

Apparently I wasn't the only individual in his prison:


Poor poor bastard...

But that's when Jeff and this old man came around. At first I thought they were part of the fatman's group, ready to have their way with me...especially the old guy. He kept fumbling with this vial of something. I swear it said Viagra on it...

They started talking to the fatman, and then gave him a donut. He dropped to the ground, salivating, and began chewing on it. Then he freed me and that poor asian boy.

I had to promise to work with him though briefly. Oh well...anythings better than that stinky fatman.

And so that is what I have to say...

But I have one request from all of you.

GET MY DAMN NAME RIGHT! My name is not ALF. ALF is an acronym created by a bunch of backwater hillbilly morons who couldn't understand that my name was Gordan. They thought it was some alien-speak.

You don't see me walking around calling you all HUMAN instead of by your names. Hell not even that...that would be a compliment. It would have been amazing if they at least called me by my species name...no, they come up with ALF...WTF?!?!

I was forced to use ALF because that dumbass Jeff said that you all wouldn't know who I was if I said this was Gordan. Dumbass.

I should start calling all of you SHIT (Sauntering Humanoid Idiot Talkers). Yes, I like that. From now on, you all are SHITs.

Hahahaa...stupid SHITs.

Guh, I'm tired. Now I'm going to have the one thing this miserable planet has to offer that is good.
I'm gonna go eat me some pussies...yeah.