September 17, 2003

ok. so we now have cable in Roy.
but first I would like to school you all in what Ive come to terms with sexuality.
at the foremost of the list is women. women are tricky creatures.
here are a few things Ive learned about women, and their libido.

1. Women want to be treated like shit - they will never outright tell you " Hey James I want you to treat me like dirt under your shoe, thats h.a.w.t." - oh no. Instead they'll deny the whole thing. They'll call you an ass and they'll say they hate you when its all battling themselves and the fact they they really want you to beat the living shit out of them and fuck them in the ass. This is what Ive come to the conclusion of because of the mentality of " Nice Guys Finish Last " - In the unlikely event you do not treat a woman like utter garbage, they'll throw you into the dreaded 'friend' category. Which is to say " Yes I will talk to you, no I will not fuck you or give you any sexual favors for candy. "

2. Sexual activity is most definately doubled in pleasure when I am in control. Take for instance the following images :

do you notice how happy these images make me?
Here I will make a graph for you :

as you will notice that I did not title this graph. This will make many teachers who taught me and SPECIFICALLY TOLD THE CLASS TO PUT A FUCKING TITLE ON THE GRAPH AND NOBODY EVER FUCKING DID AND THEY STILL GOT GOOD GRADES BUT NO I REMEMBERED AND ALWAYS PUT A TITLE BUT DID I GET BONUS POINTS? FUCK NO BECUASE THE CLASS WAS FUCKING INANE. In any event, if I did put a title to the graph it would be called " James happiness over bondage time. " or " Bondage goodness and happytime " or " Bondange and Good " or something. I dont know. Reguardless, we move onto number three.

.3 - which some of you will notice is actually three tenths of one, but for the rest of you will not notice and simply figure I put the period in the wrong spot - which I did, but then came up with a clever excuse for my mistake. Now, having come up with the clever excuse for my mistake, I have actually forgotten what numbe three was. Henceforth, we will move onto number four.

.4 - see above

5. Eating pussy. More and more I keep running into women who's male counterparts will not partake in such an activity. Surely men have gotten over the fact that they're licking a swollen open wound as much as women have gotten over the fact that they're swallowing a dirty meat rod! It confuses me so much how many men are still weary about this activity that sometimes I make a cute little vagina with my own hands and casually drag my tongue across and inside of my own two palms. Sure it tickles. Sure it gets saliva all over my hands. But you know what? When I get married my wife will be glad that I played with my false vagina hands.

6. I've suddenly realised that my post, howver long and boring and sexually tainted it may be, is full of sex sex sex. This may bother some people. So issue number six is specifically designed to appease and shut those fuckheads up.

7. Let me now deal with the obvious responses of " DUDE YOU DONT HAVE SEX HUR HUR " or " MAN I GET MORE SEX FROM MY FAT UGLY GIRLFRIEND WHO SMELLS LIKE URINE THAN YOU DO SITTING THERE TALKING ABOUT IT " or the ever famous, and my favorite : " YOU R HOMO " - To these I respond to, respectively - " In order to properly maintain a level of sanity and view sexuality as a whole, one must seperate themselves from the actual partaking of sexual events so that they do not become hedonistic in nature and drag themselves into never ending world of pain and pleasure. With this in mind, the probability of those actually having sex having any say on the matter is nil", "dude, your girlfriend smells like urine." and finally " I fucked your mom last night and she said I was homo too, mostly because I came in her ass."

8. marijuana. people who smoke too much weed are stupid. I'd just like to point that out.

9. more about the mysteries of women. I've also found that the more readily available you make yourself to a woman, the less she will want you. The trick is to be busy at all times, and ignore them. Or to be far away. If they cannot see you or cannot touch you or cannot actually grab your manstick of love and jerk on it violently until you are sufficiently gorged with enough blood in which to partake in the actual mating ritual which most people refer to as " FUCKING LIKE DOGS " then when they actually *CAN* get around you to do so, they will. Either that or they'll slap you when you whip out your little man and tell the woman ' get to work ' - reguardless of this, they'll still go home after calling you a grotesque pig and stick various objects into their slits of sexual pleasure such as champange bottles, baseball trophies, webcams, gallon bottles of orange juice, and three bags of marbles. You may not be getting action, but while she's rubbing the five inch tall g.i. joe against her vaginal love canal you can rest well at night knowing that she's thinking of you.

10. Women will always assume you are a dirty man. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO LIVE UP TO THIS ASSUMPTION. They will always play the lolita card on you. Always. There will always come a time when the mention of " a schoolgirl " or " cheerleader " somehow slips its way into your casual conversation with your female associate about video games ( HAH HAH HAH ) - and the next thing you know she'll be wearing knee-high socks, mary-janes, a pleated schoolgirl outfit, and a little-girl voice that she practiced for hours and hours in front of a mirror to get that perfect " HEY LOOK AT ME IM UNDER AGED " vibe to it. again, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to tell her that you have a special lollypop for her, or that she's been a bad girl and needs to be punished, or that you have some homework for her to complete. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

This constant notion that you will be a DIRTY OLD MAN comes from the fact that your female associate was MOLLESTED as a child by either HER FATHER or some other dirty old man, and from that experience when she was SIX YEARS OLD she has come to accept that ALL MEN would like to play around with little girls. Whereas this is mostly true in the south, this does not necissarily apply to all men. I, myself, find children terribly revolting and they make me want to vomit. Now vomit during sexual intercourse isnt necissarily a *BAD* thing, but have you ever tried to keep a stiff willie during vomiting your last meal? It is a difficult endeavor, I should say. Especially if you ate corn on the cob. Not only does the corn come out undigested, but jesus christ that Cob is a bitch coming back up.

I will continue with a follow up post later on today.

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