April 21, 2004

I'd like to stop and talk about movies...

Especially since that topic often sparks up heated debate between everyone about what is and isn't a good movie... with Jimmy and James usually taking flak for being overly critical or snobbish about movies...

But there is one movie i have in mind that absolutely... well it sucked.

That movie was: THE CORE.

That's right. The movie about drilling to the very center of the Earth to "jump start the core".

"Jump Start The Core" - now you know a movie is going to suck when that phrase is used in it.

Actually, you know a movie is going to suck when you hear that some jackass has decided to try to make a dramatic movie about a group of people sitting what is essentially a tube of metal drilling their way to the center of the Earth. I mean, c'mon! How can you make that dramatic and interesting? I've sat through family road-trips that were more interesting, and all I did was read a book and question why I was born to a father who thinks that Steven Seagal is a fucking great actor.

(He's my father and I have respect for him in that way... but STEVEN SEAGAL?!?!)

So anyway, the movie starts out with random natural disasters taking place... like people with pacemakers just up and dying... and birds going nuts and flying into people, causing havoc and car crashes. (I think that THE CORE was trying to explain the whole Hitchcock movie...)

Enter brilliant professor guy. He basically explains through the use of formulas and physics theories that the Earth's core has stopped rotating. To demonstrate, he takes a peach, cuts it up and begins explaining that the Earth has three layers.

I FUCKING LEARNED THIS IN SECOND GRADE JACK-ASS! But apparently the top heads of the government don't know that. They think the Earth is made of Cheese. Cream Cheese.

He then takes another peace, sticks a fork in it, then holds a spray can next to it. He lights the spray from the can and burns the Earth. His words, "This is what will happen in three months."

This was his great demonstration. A professor at a prestigious university with state of the art labs... and he couldn't even put together a fucking computer simulation model? Fuck, even a powerpoint would have been better.

So then, the military and Mr. Professor get together and visit this smart black guy in the desert who has designed a special sonic laser thing that can drill through almost anything. Yeah, a solution on how to get to the Core!

Remember how I said through almost anything... Well, this smart black guy also invented a new type of metal he calls "Unobtainium". That's right. UNOBTAINIUM. This stuff is so powerful, that the more stress you apply to it, the stronger it becomes. (Strangely, I don't have that much issue with this, because I actually remember reading that in theory that might be possible. Something about lattice structures and such. Ask Rigney, I'm sure he'd know more about it than I.) It's more the name. What the fuck is up with the name. If i envented some new material that could pretty much withstand ANYTHING, I wouldn't make up some lame ass name like that.

So anyway, they build their drill, and begin their decent into the Earth.

Now while this is going on, I'm wondering, what the fuck are they going to do to make the movie dramatic? It's a straight trip to the Earth.

Well, don't fret, Hollywood and Stupid Ideas to the rescue. First the hand-picked team falls into a Geode, in the mantle of the Earth. Right. Then, as they are drilling/propelling through lava, they encounter diamonds. Giant Diamonds. So as they steer away, the ship gets cut and another person dies. Two fuckers down.

Then as they get to the Core, they realize, the Core isn't like they though and they don't have enough nuclear power to JUMP START THE CORE! But then, they figure out a way to do it anyway, while trying to do so before the people on the crust (and for those of you who are Heads of the Government, that's that uppermost layer with the grass and trees and cows), decide to create an Earthquake in the Core using a sophisticated sonic thingie, which they had all along, but that will only make the problem worse.

To set off the nukes, one of the four remaining people must go into a superheated part of the ship to open up the bulkheads... because when designing a ship, you must always make one part of the ship a fucking DEATH TRAP that guarantees someone will DIE. Another one bites the dust.

Three people left, and they start sending off the nukes. Well, that's one fate plays a game and has one man trapped under a fallen nuke. Hahah bitch, you weren't the love interest so you know you had to die.

So guess what, that leaves only two people left. And by now i'm sure you all know which two are left... the girl and the guy. It's always the girl and the guy. And they make it out in the most impossible of ways. Propelled out a fissure in the Earth, all without the use of a drill, because it was damaged.

This movie was Armaggedon all over again, right down to those little events that made the job just that more difficult. It even had the people on the Earth trying to do a Plan B that wouldn't work anyway.

Now... don't get me wrong, I'm all for mindless fun movies. I enjoyed the Rundown. And even the first Mummy. They were dumb, and required no thought, but they were fun.

This movie? It was an Armaggedon ripoff with a worse cast. At least Armaggedon had Steve Buscemi and Bruce Willis.

It would have been fun to see The Rock in this movie, perhaps as the Professor. He could jump out of the vessel when they were in the Core and Punch Start the Core!

Who wouldn't go see that?

There is a line people... between good no-brainer action, and stupid shit that you can scrape off your shoe. Take a guess as to which this one was.

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