Episode I: The Beast Emerges
Before I begin these great tales, sure to leave one and all wondering around parking lots, dazed and confused, trying in vain to grasp the situation, I should begin with a prologue...
so thus...
Prologue: Free Food
Now...as you all may or may not be aware...our beloved friend jimmy had to up and go...for he was off to the airforce...
...or so you all thought!
for you see...though jimmy said he was going off to the airforce for free food--that was only part of the truth. Yes indeed he was going off to get free housing and free food...
but it was not to the airforce--
rather...rather it was to the United States Space-Force! For you see, jimmy was assigned to the USSF because of his incredible abilities to B.S. his way out of any situation...and of course because of his amazing ability to become this:
--and so begins our tale of adventure and mystery and of one tall asian man (who rides his bike too often) who may very well save the entire world...---
Episode I: The Beast Emerges
It is important to note here that jimmy has already finished most of his Basic-Space Training and has already been allowed to pilot one of the Space-Force's most powerful Space-ships. His daily duties involve flying around the solar system to keep an eye for any hostile E.T.'s...because after all...if aliens exist, there sole purpose in life is to destroy our planet and steal our resources...
...for the most part they are the pilgrims of Space...
damn those pilgrims...
But things can get pretty boring patroling the solar system...in Space...all by yourself...
so the USSF allowed jimmy to bring along two people for company...
now here you'd think, "oh hey, well that means that jimmy would bring along his best friends in all of the world...and Space...
James and Jeff...
well you were wrong...
maybe it was because i was busy in college that jimmy didn't even bother to ask me--or tell me that he was going to Space...i had to hear it from Harry Wappler (my good friend the retired newsanchor who now does underground news reports)...
and james was too busy promoting Amp because, as he puts it, "It's good fer ya!"
...regardless...instead of inviting us to go hang out in Space...he takes along my good friend Harry Wappler and his pet ButtLove.
Yeeup...jimmy usually patrols around jupiter and uranus (come on...in a post about Space, you know i had to throw that one in).
Of course, he will sometimes make pits stops on other planets to leave behind wisdom and gifts from his homeland Earth:
However...a dark force is slowly encroaching upon our beloved friend and compatriot...
for even as we speak...this deadly force of unspeakable power and an equalled hunger for the blood and flesh of all life slowly makes its way to our area of Space...
And perhaps...perhaps the only hope for us all...is jimmy
Suddenly, as jimmy pears out the front of his Space-ship's window, nearly blinded by the behemoth being's power, his greatest fears start to seep into his body. In the pit of his stomach, jimmy knows he's seen this...THING...somewhere before...
So he flips on his scanners...and to his utter dismay...he realizes the truth:
It is her...it is the beast from the past...the one who nearly destroyed them all...
As far creeps upon him, a new sense of urgency and determination also fill his mind...perhaps its because of what this beast has done in the past to him and his friends...namely james...
or perhaps its because...the beast is just plain fat, and jimmy really does hate fat people....
but whatever the reason, jimmy steers his Space-ship straight toward the beast, charging his weapons for a full out assault, as Harry Wappler and ButtLove prepare themselves for a fight...
as his Space-ship flies toward the behemoth...old visions of his last encounter with her flash in his mind,
like a painful reminder of just how dangerous and vile she is...and why she must be destroyed....
Stay Tuned for Episode II.
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