August 02, 2004

The Old Shirtless Man

"Meaningless Work"

Working at Hollywood Video... you tend to meet all sorts of people.
Some are rather cool, and you don't mind helping them, talking to
them... whatnot. Some are just there, and they come in, grab their
copy of "Paycheck" and walk out the door.

And then there are those groups of people that suck on so many levels
it makes you question why God decided he wanted to fill the people
with humans and not duck-billed platypi.

I would have preferred the duck-billed platypi myself.

Group 1: The "You Got Served" Crowd
These are those people who purposely rent the shittiest movies
around... purposely. They must know the are going to be bad, and yet
they rent them anyway... Now, I'm not trying to sound elitest when I
say this... these are simply those movies that EVERYBODY just
instinctively knows are not going to be good. We all have that
instinct... it's like our Spider-sense for movies. A little tingling
in the back of our collective heads that says, "This movie is going to
be the shittiest movie in existence... turn back now!". We all get
that with movies like 'The Core', 'MI:2', '2 Fast 2 Furious', and 'You
Got Served' (as well as it's sequel: 'You Got Served: Takin' It To The

Yet, these people have some genetic flaw in them that makes them push
past instinct to watch them. It would be one thing if they were
writing a report on shitty movies... or perhaps watching it, fully
knowing it will suck but wanting a cheap laugh anyway. No... there
are these people that watch 'You Got Served', and actually enjoying it
for its merit... as if it had merit.

Group 2: The Bitchy Wives Club
Ahh, these are a particular favorite of mine. These women come in,
and automatically you can tell they are not going to be pleasant
people to deal with. They have that 'fat-woman's scowl' printed
across their face that says, "Give me my popcorn and my Junior Mints
and movie and get the hell out of my way or I'll eat you!". They get
pissed whenever they can't find their movie, and even more pissed when
you help them find it because the fat on their face has obscurred the
viewing capabilities of their eyes. They are angry at the world
because they were once the hot cheerleaders who got saddled with kids
after doing the football team and they aren't pretty anymore. Instead
they've got kids running around the store pulling videos off the
shelves and sticking God-knows-what in their mouths, while asking to
get the latest copy of 'Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen'.

Group 3: The Frat-Guys Squad
Honestly, I don't have as much a problem with these guys as I do with
the other groups here... yeah they are annoying as fuck, and yeah they
don't like paying their late fees, but at least they tend to go about
it in a different manner. They tend to try and talk their way out of
anything, and for a moment it is fairly humorous, until you start to
smell a burning odor, and you realize that they are using all of their
reserve intellect to try to get out of a 3.79 late fee.

It's even worse for the female employees as they have to sit there and
listen to these guys try to flirt their way from a hundred dollar late
fee to a three dollar one.

Group 4: Old People With Checks
This group is by far one of the most tedious. Now, not all of them
use Checks still, but it kind of puts you in the right mindset...
which is anyone over the age of 45-50 who thinks that because they are
old, they are automatically right and don't have to be humble and can
demand that you do anything they want for them because they are old
and fought in the Great War... and wrote Checks for all their ammo
they bought.

I don't mind Old People. Some are funny, and have awesome stories...
but some... Ohhh some of them need to just skip the last few remaining
years of their life if they are going to make us all want to skip the
remaining years of our own.

Group 5: The Conglomerates
Finally you have those people that don't fit nicely into one group or
another, but instead decide to be multi-grouped pisser-offers. I'm
talking about the Old Gay Man Who Ruins Your Movie type. Or the
Bitchy Old Wife of an Ex-Frat Guy. Old the Stinky Possibly Homeless
Old Man Who Flirts With Thirteen Year Olds.

I can't stand them. I despise them. First for being pieces of crap.
Second for not fitting into the pre-designed categories I have made,
making me have to define a new category for them. Who do they think
they are? Listen to me Gay Man Who Ruins My Movies... if you ever
ruin another movie for me, I'll hijack you and drop you in the middle
of Redneck country... I'd like to see you rent a movie about young gay
boys out there in Greenville, Mississippi. I'm sure Richard M. Bergis
would help you out.

I don't mind gay people. Some of them are cool and funny, and not
just the lesbians. What I don't like is people ruining my movie,
hanging out around the store when we are trying to close and I want to
go home, and then acting offended when we want them to leave because
of our need for sleep.

Where was it written that simple part-time jobs like Hollywood Video
and Target had to have really shitty customers? Where? Why can't
they all be cool people?

No comments:

Post a Comment