volunteering to go to the desert. after watching one too many episodes of BAND OF BRUTHAS - which in fact is actually band of brothers but throughout the whole show I enjoyed thinking of it being bruthas and all of the main characters being black people and saying things like " SNIPER ON THE ROOF, NIGGA " and " I GOT YO BACK " and introducing eachother from where they are from with names like " Compton " and " South Bronx " and eating government chicken and watermellon - however I digress.
As to my insinuation as to running to the military like a little schoolboy who gets picked on everyday and then runs home to mommy and cries and then his father ( the US MILITARY ) comes out and lays down the law on the boy and beats his ass blue ... shit I'm going off topic again. We'll deal with something simple. Movie Reviews.
in this film you'll find yourself, for the first half of the film, confused on what exactly is going on with the 'timeline' of the film. Initially I thought that it was going in reverse - like memento : but around halfway through the film you realise that it is just 'chopped up' like pulp fiction - only not as good. Benicio del Toro plays an ex-con who crossed-over. Some of his lines about Jesus, God, and Faith are lines that will forever haunt my memory - and he does a most excellent job of acting them out. I actually have heard rumors of Academy nominations floating around in the air. Some girl's husband and children dies and she becomes a widow - and man oh man is that god damned widow fuckin' hawt. Turns out she falls in love with this duder who isnt that good looking at all and throughout the whole film I kept thinking to myself " Ah man I am so much better looking than that guy, c'mon - you know your hawt widow ass is yearning for a good dickfuck, why not come over to my place " - but unfortunately I didnt speak those things outloud and only thought them - and also : the widow couldn't read minds so she never really did consider coming over. In any event : things happen in the movie, and it is really dramatic. In the long run it is a really good film if you want a real good 'reality' movie. If you wanted things to explode, chase scenes that drag on longer than ten minutes, or some sort *SUPER COOL ACTION* - skip it. If you want a movie that even made me feel ( if just a tiny bit ) remorse and sorrow for lives of other people, this movie is for you.
- Thirteen -
Imagine that you're a woman for an instant. And if you're already female, imagine that you're not the stupid fucking cunt that you are and imagine that you're some other woman that I'm about to describe to you. Imagine that you're in your thirties or fourties and you have a younger daughter who is, in what I like to call "Prime Insemenation Years", Thirteen years of age. Now imagine this bitch wants to be little miss popular and fit in with all the girls who sleep with black men. You're spending your time smoking cigarettes and trying to raise your child on your own - all the while trying to fuck some guy ... I don't know exactly what was going on because I was too busy having it play on fast forward x4. Let me tell you something about fast forward x4 - its twice as fast as x2, and you still get to hear the people talking while you watch the film. So you get a calvin/chipmunks effect. Throughout the whole film you get to watch some whiny little whore complain about the following things : not fitting in, what clothes she has to wear, her mother, her period, makeup, her little brother, blah blah blah blah. All of this until she meets some cool girl and steals a wallet from some old lady and they " GO SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!! " - where they buy six pairs of shoes a piece and she finally gets accepted into the cool club. The rest of the movie goes downhill because she doesn't get raped - finds solace in drugs, tries to commit suicide because her cool friend fucks some black man, and something something I dont know I didnt pay attention. If you are looking for a movie that'll waste a good part of your life that you can never get back, although is a good movie to say that you saw and that it really opened your eyes to the trials and tribulations in which a woman goes through at a young age so that you can get some bitch to suck your cock - it's a great movie. Shit. Maybe if you're a woman you could wear a strap-on and she can suck your plastic ( are they made of plastic? ) dong and you can call her a dirty slut, but then you'd have already been 13 and you could bond with her on an entirely different level than some man.
- Kill Bill VOLUME FUCKING ONE -
I'm going to say this here and now, anyone who says Kill Bill is better than Pulp Fiction is a " ITS NEW SO IT HAS TO BE BETTER " cuntbag who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the wall. Uma Thurman ( you'll notice she is in the writing credits ) was terribly miscast in this film. Of course, I am not an Uma Thurman fanboy who wants to bend her over sappy tree stumps. Lucy Liu, however - is one hot woman. I found her extremely attractive in Payback. Speaking of Payback, between the two of them ( Kill Bill or Payback ) - I'd rather watch Payback, I'm not exactly a Mel Gizzy fan but fuckin Lucy Liu is hot in that film too. Jesus fuckin' christ Lucy Liu is hot. Um, yeah. This film has action and swords. Speaking of swords . . .
- Azumi -
Now if you want some sword fighting action, this is your god damned film. Directed by Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura and shown with subtitles this movie is fucking badass. It has swords, it has blood, it has assassins and ninjas. It has poor innocent people being slaughtered by bandits with swords of doom and Azumi isn't that bad of a looker herself ( although definately not as good looking as Lucy Liu ) - in any event I saw this movie and thought to myself " This is the movie that Kill Bill attempted to emulate " - and it holds true to it's genre. Kitamura also did another film by the name of Versus, which I am most definately going to have to see.
Next up will be Scary Movie 3 and The Last Samurai.
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