[Jeff's Pity List #2]

Now, I know you were all thinking that the next person on my list would be Nelly...

And in truth, it was supposed to be, but that got messed up because I decided he was a special case to be focused on.

So instead, the next person on the Pity List will be none other than Mr. Fast and Furious himself: Paul Walker.

"Paul Walker", you ask... "Why Paul Walker?"

Well, watch JOY RIDE, and then you'll have yourselves an answer... as if Fast and Furious and 2 Fast 2 Furious weren't bad enough.

First of all, let's talk about 2 Fast 2 Furious, as I always meant to talk about that piece of crap, but never got around to it.

How to start off... well first of all... 2 Fast 2 Furious already blows by removing the one actor who actually had some... resounance, in the first movie. Vin Diesel.

With him gone, your left with Paul Walker. Oh, and that other black guy... I don't remember his name. I think it was Tyrese... but I don't really remember, nor do I give a crap.

So the movie starts off with a street race, which is appropriate enough I suppose, since the movie is about illegal street racing...

and the illegal street race, which i must point out at this point must be being hosted by Bill Gates, because these people all have suped-up cars... like... I know people who street race want nice cars... i understand that. I sympathize with that... but these cars... had so much work done to them, that you have to wonder what these people do for a living to be able to afford it - and this question will come again in a second.

So Paul Walker strolls in... er, drives in... err... fast and furiously flies in with his car, and the race starts...

... and the movie takes a downhill plunge from that point on.

During the race, they seem to find all the back streets throughout Miami that have absolutely no other cars, no other cops, no other pedestrians... AT ALL. I know it's late at night... but walk around any city, ANY WHERE, and there will be SOMEBODY... SOME CAR... around. But not in the FAST AND FURIOUS city of MIAMI... WHOOOSH!

I mean... they are driving everywhere, taking turns... all that good stuff. Now at least in the first movie, they kept it to a straight-away. For illegal street racing, that just makes more sense. Well, with Vin Diesel gone, that small shred of common sense went with him.

Then during the race comes the NOS. We all remember NOS, don't we kiddies? Well, they sure do. Bam! It's NOS time... which translates to... Bam! It's WARP SPEED TIME!

Seriously. Once you hit the NOS, the surrounding environment becomes lots of tiny little blurs and you begin to travel the speed of light. Hah Einstein, your little theory of realitivity didn't take into account for NOS, did it?! Didn't think so.

Well, there are so many other bad points to this movie that I should really continue this review in a separate post, something titled, the truth about NOS... VROOOM!

Plus it's getting off topic... about how Paul Walker is a horrid actor and a horrid human being, and we should pity him for his patheticness.

Now he's making Timeline. I can only imagine how horrible he's gonna muck that up. I bet he travels back in time... fastly and furiously.

At least one thing is good. He turned down the offer to be Superman for the next Superman movie. One reason... he didn't want to tarnish his reputation cause he wants to make lots of money. (Too late there asshole!) His second reason... he thought Aquaman was better than Superman.

Fuck you Walker! I'm not a die-hard fan of Superman... but AQUAMAN?! What the hell? For the longest time Aquaman was a little pansy sea-version of Superman. If you thought Superman was a boyscout... then AQUAMAN was the gay boy-scout leader. Then DC decides to up the ante by makin' him edgier with that hook for a hand. Yeah... and giving him long hair. Yeah... that really works... real FAST AND FURIOUS! AQUAMAN. I was hoping he would have said Batman... or Wolverine... or even BIRDMAN. BIRDMAN beats AQUAMAN. That's how sad AQUAMAN is. Oh, I can communicate with Dolphins...

Now, don't get me wrong, I like Dolphins enough. Smart creatures and all... but when you're fighting DarkSeid or some hostile alien force, you tell me how a fuckin' Dolphin or Shark is going to help you.

AQUAMAN: Must fight flying saucer... but too weak... must call on the Dolphins...
~Dolphins... attack flying saucer for me... jump... jump high...~
DOLPHIN: ~I hate you AQUAMAN. Slave-master Bastard~

I hope, in all honesty, that they decide to make a movie about AQUAMAN, so that Paul Walker will play the role, and this way the world will see just how much both Paul Walker AND Aquaman suck. And this time Paul Walker will suck underwater, instead of on the streets of mythical Miami, a city so happenin' and lively, that people apparently go to sleep once the sun goes down, to make room for the thousands and thousands of rich street racers, led by Ludacris (which i have to say, was the only redeemable character in the movie).

I hate you Paul Walker. I hate you, and I Pity You.