[Here] (thinking) {I} *being* &tragic&
*and* {am} &and& (feeling) [In]
&beautiful& [Life] {dwelling} (emotion) *creating*

[ = 1, { = 2 , ( = 3 , * = 4, & = 5 ....... breaking through language .....

(Trying) to define myself is trying to pinpoint myself trying to place me
Trying to see myself like (something else) itself like (looking outside of me)
Looking at myself I can only see myself (looking back at me)
(Trying to) define myself i see myself as seeing myself seeing myself seeing myself .... as seeing myself (see me)
Trying to (define myself) I see myself as seeing myself trying to define myself
(I am lost) in questions .............. Read between the lines

Random

I decided to post here, because i needed a break from the monotony of studying and dorm life. Plus, it feels good to post something while i stare out of my window.

I have decided to start learning HTML again. I figure, since i'm an administrator, and currently the only one...though that will change soon i imagine, i should learn html and whatnot. Plus, i want to learn it out of curiousity. Also, since i have webspace, i might as well put it to some use...right?

So that is what i am going to do, i'm going to work on learning HTML and building a website. Its gonna suck, of course, but hey, what else is new. Maybe even, i may plan on using that space for slugs.blogspot. It was something james was always talking about, moving the site and everything, to a better server. What better than my webspace, i suppose. We'll see on that one though.

It won't be anytime soon, so don't worry about changes.

'Sides, maybe i, and the other administrator (most likely you bradbury), can come up with a new design for slugs.

Ahhhh, big dreams, big dreams...

Big dreams that will most likely die in a night or two...but hey, for now, big ol' grande dreams they are, no?

For the Boswanians¹⁹

Man oh man... ya can milk anything with nipples...

Now now, be nice Bonnie. Your spelling isn't exactly grade-A material either. =p

Mike, do you know Forth?

uh-huh. Yeah.
Damn.

Anyhow.

Jesse-{or anyone else that choses to do so, for that matter}-
I need a set of http error pages.....you know, just something simple that says (Error 404 - File not found - Et Cetera.) in a manner that looks good with your site. I need them for all common http errors (400, 403, 404, 500, etc) Also, I'm working on a cgi bin. Email me, it's in a dir that only the root user can place files in, so we'll need to work something out.

How many of you will make it Sunday?

Later.

Lunch Card

My comments about society and its influences weren't so much directed toward you (Tarwyn) as just my generalized thoughts on the subject. Your post did make me think about society's roles in our lives and such, as well as a slight debate i had with jimmoi once about how responsible we are for our actions. It all ties in.

I can't find my lunch card, which is really beginning to get on my nerves. (Wow, "lunch card", reminds me of elementary and middle school.) Its a card that lets me ride the bus and has money deposited on it, from my tuition and housing costs, so that i can get something to eat at the various cafeteria's across campus. Now i can't find it, and i'm rather hungry. Such is the way of life. There always has to be a tension that needs to be solved.

Damn you Sigmund Freud and your tension/pleasure principle theories!

Anyway, enough of that ramble for now. (I just got out of Theories on Psych, so my mind is still semi-preoccupied with that line of thinking.) So far is seems like Bradbury or Mike as an administrator. Sorry Michael, but i doubt its gonna be happening for you anytime soon. We'll see though.

Think of it as if i'm doing you a favor. If i made you second administrator, then you'd just be traveling down the same road as your brother. Do you really want to go down that road, and just be a carbon copy? That'll just strengthen that whole "middle child" complex that you probably have going for you.

However, if i am ever in the need of a fall guy or hitman...

I have to remember NOT to abuse my powers as a psychologist later in life.

For the Boswanians¹⁸

All I have to say about the last two above post is.... DO NOT LET HIM BE AN ADMINISTRATOR!

Moving along...

Those are some good points Jeff, but if they were directed at me, you misinturpereted one or two things I said. I didn't say I was detaching myself from society, and if that is what I implyed, then I wrote it wrong.hehe... :) I am being me... but within society. I have people around me who accept and understand that I am who I am. (a crazy, mentally deranged american girl) I am learning to be who I am. It is simpler here in that essence because there is no real social pressure to be such and such way. Not at the school I am attending anyway. The little there is (there is always some...hahaha) isn't directed at me because I am an outsider. They have excepted me, but they know I will leave. I have no reason to gain a status in any social circle, and so I find myself with a few people who are total strangers coming up to me and telling me their life's story. Rather interesting actually.

I must go now... for now. hehe *smiles*

If we must have a new administrator, I say Bradbury or Mike. Because I don't think they would mess with things to much. That's why. :)

Mouthwash

I decided to go ahead and skip my first class after all.

It was just too rainy to want to go to that first class. It was probably a mistake though, since it was calculus, and i am still on the "trying to remember" phase of my calculus education.

Instead, i got ready and now i'm sitting here typing and reading posts.

Social expectation is an interesting thing. I am almost sure that everyone goes through a phase where they totally forget about what other people think, which is, in my opinion, completely healthy. It gets unhealthy when you turn into John Doe (from seVen). However, society still shapes everyone...even when you try to break away from other's expectations, that very act is shaping you in a sense. In the end, i think it becomes more of a choice issue, as opposed to creating a new identity. You choose to either be guided by society in one aspect or another.

Hmm, what else. Oh yeah, i swallowed mouthwash while i was getting ready this morning. My stomach is in a state of unrest as a result of it. It's mostly because i haven't had anything to eat except for mouthwash. (It was mint though.)

That should be a lesson to me to NOT attempt to shave while using mouthwash. Should be, mind you. More than likely i will still continue to use mouthwash and shave.

Hey, i'm trying to be efficient.

NOTE: Has anyone come up with a nomination or idea for a second administrator? If you have no idea what i'm talking about, then read yesterday's (OCT⁹) posts, especially james and mine. I don't much prefer this solo administration position, not that i can't handle it.

For the Boswanians¹⁷

What questions would you ask, if you could ask them? Is there an answer to any question... and if there is, aren't more questions merely raised by this one single answer? We do not seek answers in life, we only seek questions...

hahaha... I am becoming paranoid about this board.

Bonnie - you said that I should "you should DEFINUTELY not give up on school in America." I'm sorry to have to say this to you Bonnie, but I gave up on the American schooling system, at least all the aspects/parts of it I was involved in a LONG time ago. They never really encouraged me or others to go after the things they were good at doing, or enjoyed doing. THey tried to supress individuals who stood out in most instances.

It is like I have been suffocated all the years of my 'learning' (schooling) period until now. Today I did my musical re-enactment (SP?) with my english group and it was great! Last night I got stuck in a little room for several hours by myself while I was waiting for the others in my group to get done with there singing/dancing lessons so we could practice out routines, but I wasn't really bothered by that at all. I had my project to work on, and so the time flew by as I waited. While I've been here it has inspired me more to go off and do my own kind of studying and research on things that interest me. I have and am becoming more of an individual of the system day by day. I am learning that it is a great thing to be different, and weird. That it doesn't mean dittally squat if others like me or not. That I do not need their approval to be who I am and want to be.

Before I came here I made a promise to myself to be just 'me.' I wouldn't adapt my personality to suite anyone except myself. And I have done that. At first it was odd for me to act how I wanted all the time... and not just be a 'little' weird, but fully unknown to the point where I was myself. It amazed me that I could go day in and day out without even trying to be what others wanted because I had done that for so long.

This last year before I left for Sweden, I was already changing into myself. Many of my supposed friends didn't like it because I no longer pleased them. I didn't try to be what they wanted. I even started to be my real self around my mom... and for me that took a lot of guts.

I think in the past month, I have grown happier about myself as a person than I have in the past several years. The school I'm going to is very special, even for here in Sweden. The students that go there are who they are for the most part, and the fact that I was the same way, and even more so then some they have recently told me it surprised them.

I don't lie to these people at all. If they ask me something and I don't want to answer, I tell them I won't. I have my days where I'm grouchy or angry for no apparent reason... but then again we all do at times. If I had been back home there in the ol USA, I would have still acted happy for others so as not to upset them. Pushing aside my feelings in order to keep everyone else happy. Now I don't do that, but I don't blame anyone, or try to make them feel bad because I'm not in a good mood either. I simply tell people that I'm in one of my worse moods and please don't bother me right now. They respect that. And I respect them.

Enough said. I've wondered somewhat all over the place, but oh well. I've said what I have to say for now, even if it makes no sense to anyone but me! :)

Rain

It's raining. I like it. Just sitting out here, looking through the window, covered with rain. It's soothing...

Hmmm...there's actually a part of me that needs soothing apparently...otherwise i would not find the rain soothing. (random analysis)

I don't want to go to class today. I'm thinking of skipping it. That and because i don't have an umbrella. Damn. Its one of those days i just want to sit in and not go.

I better get ready for class.

For the Boswanians¹⁶

This needs more thought than action to complete on my part. It no longer is going in the direction that I had saught it to, for it has taken on a life of it's own. heehee... what more unexpected things will it bring to me?

Social Paradigms

I was sitting here, looking over some stuff, books and whatnot, as i clean up my room, and i remembered something that i wrote down earlier today as i was sitting outside of the cafeteria on campus. I was just finished eating a Tuna Sandwich, and i had an urge to write about stuff. This is a part of what i came up with:

I look around and see all these strangers and I feel like talking to them all. This is my curiousity. I'm not really afraid to do so either. It is more a matter of how such an attempt would come off. If I walk up to some guy and started talking, how will he take it. In this day, will he assume that I'm trying to sell him something, or have him joing some organization. What would I say to him anyway? That's another issue to consider. You can't start a conversation without something to say. I could just make idle chatter, but idle chatter annoys me. It feels so contrived and forced upon both the situation and the participants in the situation.

...and then, what if I went up to a person and that person were to be a female. I feel equally comfortable talking to them, if not more so. I find them to be fascinating. It could be because I am a guy, so I know about guys in general. My friends are mostly male as well, so I could learn whatever from them...social habits, psychological lines of thought, etc. Women are different. (Maybe not so in a qualitative or quantitative way though.) I am not one, so it is best to assume they are different and explore how. Not different in a bad or good way, not in a disadvantageous or advantageous way, but in a neutral sense. To assume that they are some altered form of man would be, in my opinion, erroneous and a biased way of taking in information.

So what then... I approach a female to begin a conversation, and what will she assume. My assumption, which has the potential to be flawed, is that she will assume I am "flirting" with her, in some low-toned courtship ritual, as when male birds fly up to female ones. Is that truly what she is thinking? I have no positive way of knowing. I am merely being guided by assumption. Even if that is not what she is thinking, it no longer matters. My conversation henceforth would be an intricate dance so as to downplay that belief that she believes I am "flirting" when rather I amm "socializing". (This may not always be consciously driven either, and many times I suspect it is not.)

What then? Do I discard the very idea of going out to a stranger and starting up a conversation of discussion. As stacked as the decks are, I should very well NOT. How else does learning take place. Better to play with a bad hand then not play at all...all that stuff. Besides, I most certain would not prefer talking with no one. Who then would validate even existing, if all I did was sit isolated. I might as well be dreaming.

-I have no idea how I came to this line of thinking, but now I should get to class where I will do more theorizing.

That is a part of what i wrote in my journal. If its not very coherent, it is because it was not planned out, and was written outside, on a slightly chilled day.

I have been accused of over-analyzing things, people, situations...

as of today, i can more clearly see the basis for that accusation.

That, and sometimes i write some odd stuff in my journals.

For the Boswanians¹⁵

And then there was one...

Shocking news from the front.

James is no longer a slug.

And he says that he will not be checking the board again, not for awhile.

I have some doubt in that statement though. To him, i wonder if this is a drug, this ability to post and read other people's posts. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to read once in awhile. Hell, maybe he'll eve pull a steven on us.

And then i also suspect that this is something new he has planned, in which he is observing how slugs goes without him.

Regardless...

i guess that leaves me the sole administrator.

That is not something i am comfortable with.

I don't know if you all remember, but i was quite adamant, back in the day, about there being either no administrator, or more than one, to keep each other in check, that sort of thing. I also felt that it should be an administrator that we trusted and who didn't take it upon themselves to edit or censor other people's posts much.

Having no administrator won't work, because sometimes things happen that require someone to fix them. That was james' job. Mine was more to have a spare administrator. Also, i have been planning on bringing people to the board. (I have a new idea for that too. I plan on leaving little flyers and leaflets around with the website for others to stumble across. It's still in planning.)

Anyway, on to the point i was getting at.

We need a second administrator...at least that's my opinion. Now since administrators have control over the board, i suppose i should put it to a more "democratic" system and ask two things:

Should we have a second administrator, or just go with one, and wait till james "possibly" comes back?

and two

If there is to be a second administrator, who should that chair go to?

Hmm...yes, quite democratic in fashion, no?

We'll see how this plays out.

(Special thanks to james for shakin' things up.)

For the Boswanians¹⁴

You know, in retrospect, there were some indications of James' departure....he has been rather....?lackluster?

Hm...either way, strange days.

Later.

Hey Mike, what might you be doing this weekend....?

Steve:
Would you be so kind as to make reservations for Paintball on Sunday? Would be much appreciated.

Oh, Jesse, go with Win 2k Pro....stay away from the server family for workstation use...a bit unfriendly and whatnot.

Later.

All activity has been reduced to the empty and mundane. I have been trying unsuccessfully for the last several days to cure myself of this melencholy boredome.
Not long ago I remember thinking of an activity and being able to say "that sounds fun.." and for the purpose of some kind of fun I would engage in that activity. That isn't quite right, rather, I was able to, for reasons I no longer understand, to find worthyness of actions in themselves. Now I have reached a point where ingaging in any activity has been only a futile attempt to relieve myself of boredome. I have been doing things, not for themselves, but simply to distract myself from the melencholy. As soon as I get started I have the overwhelming feeling of the pointlesness of what I am doing. It as as though nothing interestes me............ hmmmmmmmmmm...........
I suspect that relentless questioning of myself, my motives, my actions, and my beliefs has debased every aspect of my life. I have successfully removed every bit of "contentedness" from my life....... ugh...... How do I fix it ????

Regards ............. Mike

A two dollar bill says you never saw this coming.

I'm leaving the board.
my decision is final.
yes, I'm being a whiney little Aaron - but it is not because of any social interactions in-as-much as it is that what I could post would be harmfull to my currently ... I dont know.

Bradbury / I havent gotten around to reserving paintball.
Have Steven do that for you.
Just leave a messege I'm sure he'll reply to it.

Dont worry.
I will probably " be back " ( meaning I force Jeff into inviting me again ) in no less than two months.
I wont be checking the board either.
It has become a sick ...
sick ... contraption.

I find myself still confused.
and sick.
so terribly sick inside.

so.
keep tight.
buckle up.
dont expect many board "changes" anytime soon.
and try to convince Jeff to adding people onto the board /
so that when ( if ) I return I can boot them off on technicalities and be a real big asshole!

WHEE.

Skool

Ach. I hate this. I hate having my class at 9:00 in the morning on tuesdays. (I know that many of you going to bethel now hate me for complaining about that.)

I woke up with the thought that class started at 9:30 today. Nope, it doesn't. It actually starts at 9:00 on tuesdays. However, i totally forgot that one. You are probably wondering why i am here typing this then, if its 9:16. Simple. I need an excuse, and i figure if i come in for class at 9:30, then i'll be fine.

But i'm still planning on leaving in a second. I just had a compelling urge to post something...anything.

Thursday there are no classes, a day for reflection at the university, since its the one month anniversary. That means that basically across campus people will be partying and getting drunk all over the place.

Rememmmber....

Yeah right.

However, i suppose this makes for interesting observations on people. Drunkness and whatnot. I realize now that i have never seen a person get drunk. Never witnessed in "real-time" what a drunk person is like...a happy drunk anyway. Kyle, my roommate, and some of our friends, are planning on going out and partying, which includes drinking. I am thinking of tagging along.

Actually...another thought comes to mind. I should try and drink something. (Well, that made me sound...oh what's the word...pathetic...) I've never experienced that...and it would make for an interesting post about the world of being intoxicated.

I don't know, its an interesting though to consider... And it would make for an interesting psychological/personal sociological observation. Eh...i don't know. I'm not sure if i totally like the idea. Personally, i like that i have control of my facaulties at all times. But then maybe it is something i should experience.

I'll give it some slight consideration as i head off to the world of academia.

For the Boswanians¹³

Uung... I went to bed at 2am or so.. and it's fucking 8:15 in the morning. Why the hell am I up !? Something was nagging at me to get my ass out of bed, no clue why yet. Probably the empty feeling in my stomach, don't recall eating anything since Saturday night at work.

If I can't be warm and toasty in my bed, at least I'm warm and toasty in my chair - space heaters rule.

Urg.. spaced out for a few minutes there... I'll go cook breakfast.. yes... food.